My h this past weekend dropped a bombshell on me. Said he was thinking of divorcing me (everything was calm we weren't argueing or fighting we were laying on the beach). Then he gives me these ultimatiums, and expects me to make my decision over night but how can i process anything he said to me in a 48 hour period. So i wrote him this letter asking him why. He told me that the situtation is over and that he changed his mind he didn't want a divorce so i am sitting here trying to figure out how to accept that. Because you don't go from thinking about divorce, and giving ultimatiums to i change my mind. Not as quick as he did, and the thing is i could accept and trust the fact if it came from a heated moment but it didn't it came out of no where when everything is going good and calm.

So last night he was acting as nothing happened like divorce has never came up. I was sitting there thinking how can this go away with out us talking about it. How can my H expect to tell me this and then expect me to act like it never happened i just don't understand. I am afraid to bring it up because i am afraid of the outcome but i need to put my fears aside so i can get to the bottom of this.

there is alot i haven't told you guys because when i started to talk about my situtation (on emotional need forum) i was asked if i was making it up. so i just didn't finish telling the whole story.

four years ago i met my H and at first i wasn't interested for he was an old man and i was a young girl (H is 46 i am 24). so i blew him off then after a couple of meetings (a year later ) i finally got to know he was a great guy then one thing led to another and i asked him out. we dated for about a year and i he asked me to move in so i moved in and at the beginning of the next year he asked me to marry him i said yes as up to this point he was not controlling in anyway. so we got married in that june and that was last year over. the past year he has lived in another city because he got offered a job. and without me likeing it i stayed back because he asked me to he also cheated on me in that time frame. he has tried to control me by telling me i was not allowed to go to bars i was only allowed to go out with the girls if it was to the movies or something like that. our sex life has diminished to nothing. i have discovered that i don't know who i am and as i find that out he is finding out that i am not who he met fell inlove with and married that i am totally a differnt person now. see when i first met him i only made decisions that i knew would make him happy and as i started to want to make decisions that would make me happy he didn't like it.now i am just trying to find out who i am and i feel bad that he has to go through that with me but that is what husbands are for and if he was going through this i would have to be supportive of it. so that leads us up to the present day and you know that part so i hope that i can get some help and get some advice and someone to give me some support because i really need it.

thank you
stephanie

Dear Stephanie...

basically it all comes down to communication and communication skills...

that's where the root of all your issues lay...

And so regardless of what else you decide or commit to...you must first and formost decide that you and he need to learn HONEST communication...

I think you both need a couselor to assist you with this...and I think that you deal with the communication part before you address the affairs...his controlling...you needing to find yourself...

couples are a team that work together...and the two of you have yet to accomplish that task in any area of your marriage...and and until you get together...and begin to work together..nothing will get better or get resolved.

start there steph..see if he will go to counseling with you..if not find one for yourself...and go from there...

ARK