Hi
Let me bring you up to date. The last time you all heard from me my H had been arrested. Well to make a long story short, he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. However, he had a warrant in NY, (20 min from NJ) so they extradited him there from SC. It wasn't a criminal case, suspended license sorta thing so therefore he was only sentenced to 90 days.

Well he is due to come home next week. And after finding out about everything with OW and him being arrested, I did go out on a date with someone I've known a very long time. My husband called my cell phone during this time, (yes he could do that from jail) and heard the guy in the background. He had been telling me he REALLY wants to work on his marriage and not runaway from our problems by dealing with OW, but since he heard the guy he has been EXTREMELY overbearing. He writes excessively and I now have a block on my phone so he cannot call collect.

I am not dating the OM or anyone else, and at times I do think about reconciliation with my WH, however I need time and not so much contact with him. He now says all the things I wanted him to say during our 9 months separation. "He loves me very much, he wants to have another child, ( I was preg during separation and had an abortion)he wants to start over, etc etc etc." I don't know what to think or believe.

Why should I believe anything he says? I am very afraid of going back into that horrible marriage that we had. (arguing, name calling, fighting and yelling) He seems sincere, but he also seemed sincere when he told me there was no OW. He says that I seem emotionless and I am. I just don't have the same feeling for my WH as I did before. I just don't know what to do and need help from you experienced MB'ers. I promise I am here to stay and will not disappear again.

Thank you and God Bless

LHE-

Welcome Back!!!

Good to hear from you....I've often wondered how you were.

Your LB is emptying. That is why you feel this way towards hubby. Was this OM thing just a "date" or is there an emotional attachment there. If there is an EA, then you need to end that before you can figure out what is right for you...

Here's how I see it:

You have a H that has bad behaviors. You need to ask some hard questions.

1. Do you WANT to save your M?
You can regain those feelings of Love, but it WILL take a committed effort from BOTH of you.

2. Are you willing to take more abuse, consciously knowing that he can NOT change his behaviors over night but knowing that the CAN change if he is willing?

3. Do you WANT to risk getting pregnant and finding yourself in that exact same position again?
I know how much pain you went through when you made that choice...would you do THAT again?

4. Is he willing to sign a POJA? Practice Radical Honesty, seek counseling?
ALL of these things will be a MUST if the above scenario's are to change.

Answer these with a clear mind (and heart) and you will know what to do.

I hope it helped.

Hi Luv,

Well I certainly agree with Kily. She has raised some good questions worthy of consideration.

Now don't make your answer based on anyone elses' opinions. Make them based on your H's actions.

So he is now 'reaching' out to you. This is good and let him know so. Also let him know that since trust was damaged (due to A and other things), it will take a bit more for him to get his family benefits back. While you are not discouraging his positive remarks, you also need to protect your safety. So ask him what he thinks it would take from him to help you feel safe and secure in his presence. What is he willing to contribute to restore his value to the family?

Be kind and not too demanding but do not waver from your family's needs.

Words = actions = family.

hugz,
L.

Don't want to put a dampening on everyone's good advice but WARNING! Men in jail are lonely and the only thing they have time to do is THINK! He maybe sincere in wanting to work things out, BUT he may be saying it due to loneliness and the extra time he now has on his hands. You don't know what or if he is writing to OW and saying the same things. I have heard of Men just wanting to have SOMEONE/ANYONE on the outside to write to them, take their phonecalls just to feel that outside contact. I know your H is only doing 3 months, but just be forewarned and keep you eyes open to the possibility of it once again being all TALK. JMO

Words are cheap, it's his actions that will tell you if he truly means what he says. So before you decide to accept him back into your life, make sure that he walks the talk by sending a NC letter to the OW, being accountable for his time and whereabouts, and committing to a marital recovery plan a la MB. If he balks at any of this, then you will have your answer as to the truthfulness of his words.

Keep us posted.

Hi,
I thank all of you for your input.

Kilyyyyy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

How are you? I am so happy to hear from you. I will read up on your posts to see how everything is going.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you WANT to save your M?
You can regain those feelings of Love, but it WILL take a committed effort from BOTH of you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honestly, that is a touchy feeling for me, as well as scary. How will I know if he is really committed to us? Sometimes I wish more than anything we could start over and work towards our M being "normal" again. Then sometimes I feel as if I am drained and don't have the energy to try again. However, it may not be fair because sometimes when we do speak I may seem to him to be eager to work on our marriage, then other times I prob seem to be distant, aggravated, and totally blase.(sp)I think I need to be a little more consistent with my feelings in order to actually be taken seriously.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Was this OM thing just a "date" or is there an emotional attachment there. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was a little of both. At that time it was a date, but after conversating for awhile and "hanging out," I realized it was becoming an EA and stopped it. We are still cordial but we do not converse via the phone nor do we hang out anymore.

My angel Orchid,
You probably don't know how much of an inspiration you are to me. I have read so many of your posts and you give me strength I didn't realize I had a few months ago.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Also let him know that since trust was damaged (due to A and other things), it will take a bit more for him to get his family benefits back. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay. My H will be staying at my Godbrother's house when he is released. I live in NJ therefore he cannot be released to my home.(they will be in NYC) He has asked me can he stay "home" with me sometimes, while trying to repair our marriage. Would he be getting his "family benefits" back if I allow him do so without any real consequences regarding A? (Does that make sense)

Trying:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know your H is only doing 3 months, but just be forewarned and keep you eyes open to the possibility of it once again being all TALK .
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You must be reading my mind. I feel the same way alot of the time.

TMCM

Thank you. I am trying very hard to be patient and wait and see what happens.

^bumping^
Also, can someone recommend some things for my WH and I to do after he gets home. (books, questionaires etc..) I am still kinda new here and would like to know what may be best suitable for our situation.

Thank you.

^^^^bumping for some answers^^^^^^

luvhazel,

I would take a completely different approach on this whole issue and shift your focus....

First I would want to know things like...

what are his exact probation restrictions...

I would put a ban on ALL relationship talk...

what are his employment plans...and how is he going to financially support his son

I would set clear limits that his first and formost responsbility is to his son..
that he needs to have and act on a clear and concise plan on how to be father to his son long before the two of you even begin serious work together...
that he has to put up or shut up on this arena
and that to build a relationship with you he has to stop bringing pain to his childs life...
and then...once he has proven that he is committed to his child...and only then...and if and only if he has shown himself to be reliable, consistant and decent and this arena does he even stand a chance of building and working with you together...

NO staying in the house...let him visit...let him build things back up with the little tike...

I don't think you are in any state to discuss the two of you on any deep level...
words are cheap cheap cheap and it is through our actions that define our characters...

If he wants it he needs to work on it first...long before you sign up for the program..
be supportive, be friendly, be kind...not in a stuff your emotions and ignore them...but more in a I'm not gonna waste my time and energy until I see actions that say it is worth my investment....

dang straight it is an ultimatum....but is of such grave importance...

this one needs to be a dad to the child he has before the words new baby even cross his lips...
and if he doesn't grasp the significance of his role is his childs life...then you know there is no point to anything else...

don't let him bog you down in these huge grandiose wishes of a great marriage..
give a starting point with unlimited potential to show and prove he gets what really is important in life...his son....then his son's mother...then all of you together...

long slow baby baby steps....

he better get his butt in couseling.
he better be truthful about all legal aspects
he better have a plan for employment
he better learn to be a dad....

blessings to you
ARK

Hi

Ark, thank you sooo much for your wonderful advice-I just have a couple of questions:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> what are his exact probation restrictions... I would put a ban on ALL relationship talk...what are his employment plans...and how is he going to financially support his son </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn't know if you were asking ME these questions or if you were telling me these should be MY questions to my WH. Anyway, as far as his restrictions I am not quite sure, but from the past he will most likely have to keep a job. This is the second time(first time 2 yrs ago) we have been through this, this is why I am taking baby steps with this one. One thing I can say is the language is different.

The first time even though he had left, and wasn't there financially when he returned I accepted him with OPEN arms. There were no consequences, no counseling, NOTHING. I was just happy to have him back, and he was telling me with no real sincerity that he was sorry and wants to try again. THIS TIME, BIIIG DIFFERENCE.
Honestly he is much more sincere and has more direction as far as what he needs to do on his part to try to make this M successful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If he wants it he needs to work on it first...long before you sign up for the program..be supportive, be friendly, be kind...not in a stuff your emotions and ignore them...but more in a I'm not gonna waste my time and energy until I see actions that say it is worth my investment... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OMG, great advice, I agree 100%. I have been very comfortable stating my boundaries, what I will accept and will not accept, and mean it. Although this time he HAS been there financially for me and my son, (thoughout 8 mon sep) it doesn't matter. I deserve more. I deserve my husband to be a family man, father, friend, as well as emotionally supportive.

I have no "real" family, am an only child and just lost my MOM to lupus. (she was only 48yrs)I have made it VERY clear that COUNSELING is the only road we can take at this point.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't think you are in any state to discuss the two of you on any deep level...
words are cheap cheap cheap and it is through our actions that define our characters..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Counseling is not a good idea?? I thought it would be beneficial to the both of us and maybe helpful to us in regards to the direction our M could go? Whadda ya think? Should I not at least try to think about saving M?

Again, thanx for such great advice

Sorry luvmy

those are questions I would want you to know...it is confusing eh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I really don't think the two of you should go to counseling together at first...and that is just my opinion...but this guy has burned you bad several times right ...??

and now he wants to change...well then he better find a counselor...make it clear to his counselor what he desires...and work darn hard at it...

What if as soon as released you two enter counseling together...and three days, weeks, months,...now that he is not in jail...he changes his mind..

Make him do ALL the work initially..you can wait a month or two to really assess things...that's my suggestion

Oh definately think you should try to save your marriage it it is what YOU want...but I would see how much a leadership role he is going to take and maintain in this...if you do all the work and become the driving force..it is no different from before...

ARK