Hello,
I have lurked here off and on, posted a few times during a time where my first love and I were ending a 1 year emotional affair. I was the one who ended it, because I couldn't deal with the guilt and it hurt so much to have him back in my life again knowing that we could never be together. I felt as though, I was given a second chance and wasn't about to pass it up. I loved this man very much at one time and found that I still do. I always thought of him from time to time for the past 24 years and three years ago today there he was. We were high school sweethearts and for lack of maturity( I was 14 and he 16), it didn't work out. I never forgot about him and it took me a long time to get over him. Anyway, when he saw me again, he said he had to appologize for hurting me back then, that it was a promise he made to himself if ever he saw me again; so he took the chance to call me since he knew where I was. We are both from the same town, our parents live a few blocks from each other and from our past, we have the same childhood friends. We are both in the same line of work and may see each other from time to time and are happily married. He has a 5 year old and I have a 12 year old. I've been married 9 years, and he 18 years.

After that first phone call 3 years ago, we got to talking more and more, updating each other about what we were up to. We both found at some point in time, that we were about to cross the boundaries of frienship. I allowed myself to have an EA even though I knew it was wrong. There is no other way to justify it, other than, finding him again after all these years and to our surprise that we were still very attracted to each other. Soon, we discovered we still loved each other, and were filled with regrets; We agreed that this was a passing thing, but if we didn't get over these feelings in another year, we would have to do something. Which means, leave our spouses for each other. On top of all those great feelings, I also began to experience an incredible amount of guilt and shame. I couldn't even face my husband who is the most wonderful respectable man on this earth....... I wanted to tell him, but I was scared of what he might do to me, my OM or us... OM didn't have as many fears as I did, and still was persistent, but he was struggeling too. I tried to break things off. I did everything, change phone number, cell number, told him flat out not to contact me anymore and none have worked.

It has been 2 years now, and because my H and I were facing other issues involving trust, he asked me if I had in anyway, been unfaithful and I couldn't lie. I said yes..... I thought that was the end of me or us. I know I put his mind at ease when I told him that I was putting it all behind me, that it should have never happened but it did. That i would understand if he walked out that door, I probably would want to if I were him. But to my surprise, he said that his love for me won't change anything, that we will get passed it together. I've talked to him about it, but had to stop, as I could see that it was hurting him even more. So, I do my best to deal with this on my own, becuase I don't want him to know that my feelings have not changed for OM. I want them to so badly, but just cannot get over him. I try to put blocks on email but end up taking them off... OM writes now and then still, and we profess to be friends, but I think its part of letting go "our way", because writing a no contact letter or shutting the door altogether just dosn't seem like something I can't do to a dear friend. However, if it will put my mind at ease from obsessing about it at times, I would do it. What else can I do? So that brought me here, but first, has this ever happened to anyone, or do you know anyone it has happend to? Also, both my H and OM are getting passed it; It seems to be my problem... My H gives me everything both emotionally, physically and financially... or we give to each other. I was having severe inlaw problems at the time though, that were very hurtful and did to some extent use that as justification. Anyway, I seem to be the one who is still struggeling with it... even though, I know I want my marriage more than anything, I can't help but still hope that my OM and I could have a future together later or till he writes again.... At the same time, I don't want to hurt my H or my 12 year old child or anyone for that matter....... what is wrong with me? Am I really that selfish? Okay.......... let me have it......... I just want this to be over and donw with this forever... and am willing to do anything.........What are your suggestions?

Thank
MJ

<small>[ April 17, 2003, 03:44 PM: Message edited by: MissJasmine ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know I want my marriage more than anything, I can't help but still hope that my OM and I could have a future together later or till he writes again.... At the same time, I don't want to hurt my H or my 12 year old child or anyone for that matter....... what is wrong with me? Am I really that selfish? Okay.......... let me have it......... I just want this to be over and donw with this forever... and am willing to do anything.........What are your suggestions?

Thank
MJ</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What's wrong with you? You're still in the fog and until you END ALL CONTACT WITH OM your situation will remain the same. It's been stated ad nauseum so many times, that until there is no more contact with the OP, there can be no marital recovery. You are only fooling yourself that you can continue being 'friends' because you two are more than that. As you are painfully aware, every time there is contact between the two of you, you end up back to square one. The answer is simple although it's implementation is far from easy, but IT IS A MUST if your marriage is to survive.

MJ:

There really is only one thing you can do, and I think you know it. Stop all contact and tell your H everything. So long as you hold out this absurd hope that your CHILDHOOD sweetheart (because that's what it was) and you could get together someday, you will eventually turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Cut it out.

Your H sounds like a good man, though he may have a bit of a naieve view of his own M. You owe him your respect, and the honesty and integrity of being able to let him make his own life-altering choices, even if that means leaving you. It doesn't sound like he's likely to do that, though, and if you tell him how you feel now, he can probably help you to get the kid sweetheart to stop trying to contact you.

All my best,
-Qfwfq

You are fogged out babe. You are putting a relationship you had when you were a mere child on a pedestal. Fantasy? You bet.

Do as you please, but know you will hurt many innocents.

Wow, that was fast...... thank you all so much. I am struggeling now but I am willing to do what it takes, your suggestions are already compounding what I need to do and I dread it....but if it will help me get passed this, I am more than willing....

Catamount, I see that you also had the experience of the HS Sweetheart it. Please don't take this wrong, but are you saying that what she has right now is fog or fantasy and not love, if she is with her HS sweethart now? I wonder about her relatioship now, if it was all a fantasy or fog, that being the basis of thier relationship will cause even more problems later, thats what I fear... Could you please tell me where I can read more about your story? Are you okay?

Thanks you guys are great........

MJ

<small>[ April 17, 2003, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: MissJasmine ]</small>

MJ;

End it now. Go to your H, talk to him, let him know everything, and commit to working on your marriage. Commit and DO it. Without the distorting lens of having the "childhood romance" around. It's the ONLY way it can be fair to you, your H, your family, and to the OM.

Work on your marriage, discover what is wrong for both of you, and make an effort to change it. If you find, after having done this honestly and with your full committment for some time, probably with the help of a MC, and it just cannot work, then divorce. Divorce as friends, knowing you both did your best. Have that certainty in your heart, otherwise, no matter what happens, it'll haunt you forever!

If it does not work out, and you divorce, then go and find your "knight in shining armor", but make sure HE'S also available first.

Darlin' my W thought she could "see if we worked out" while still in touch with the OM...and it cannot possiblty work out when one of the partners has one foot here and one foot there. One part of the empotions here, and one part there. Now we're divorcing; and everyone's hurting...REALLY, REALLY hurting. Her OM is ALSO her childhood sweetheart, by the way.

Do you think she could possibly have a beautiful relationship with the OM? Knowing she didn't try her best, knowing she didn't give it all? Forever wondering if it could have been, might have been, should have been?

What do YOU think?

<small>[ April 17, 2003, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

MJ

The reason so many people have responded so quicky is that they have hope for you. You sound like an intelligent woman. You know what you are doing is wrong and you are lucky to have your H who is a great guy (in your own words).

Everybody here doesn't want you to go through what they have been through - Space, Q TCM as BS (not sure about Cat) and myself as a FWS and now a BS. From whichever side you come, let me tell you, the end result is the same - devastion of your own life, devastation of your spouse's life and devastation of your child's life when Mummy and Daddy split up. Its ugly, very ugly, believe me.

Space is right. Do whatever you have to do with a true heart to try and put things right with your H, and you can only do that without any contact with OM. Keep the block on the e-mail, write a NC letter, and believe it in your heart. Sure, he's a dear friend, but one that would potentially wreck your life and your family's and his own. With friends like that......

It is hard, I really do understand (believe me, I still think about OM, wonder, have feelings), but it is harder knowing that my H couldn't forgive me and has been unwilling to work on our M and is now having his own A, and deeply unhappy he is too (by the way, it's not that great for me either, but hey I'm surviving <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Take care and wishing you well from London.

Lisa

Spacecase,
Thanks for your input, is your W with the HS sweetheart now?

I am thinking of your suggestions too and need to sit back and meditate on those last questions, which I am aksing myself now...

Lisa in London,
I am so very sorry that it backfired, it seems that revenge is almost instinctual with these situations. My H wanted to hurt he OM and I can't say I don't blame him. Boy what a mess I've made..........

Thank you all again
MJ

<small>[ April 17, 2003, 04:21 PM: Message edited by: MissJasmine ]</small>

Dear MissJ:

I am sorry you find yourself in this confusion.

There are several things you know however:

1) You know you have a wonderful respectable H who knows about your A and wants to show you love and care.

2) You know you can raise a child together with H and provide all of you with shelter and a home. You have stated you each provide the other physically emotionally and financially.

3) You know the OM will contribute to the demise of another's marriage. As well as, destroy his own.

4) You know he will be willing (maybe the truth would be if he did leave) to disrupt his 5 y/o life for his own feelings.

What you don't know:

1) The OM's ability to work with you to maintain a home and raise a child.

2) If all the parties can put the past hurts aside to provide a nuturing environment for both children involved.

3) What the long term effects are on both children.

You are carring a fantasy that may not last in the real world. Are the unknowns worth the risk.

Is it not much easier and safer to fix what is wrong in your M?

I pray you make the best decision for all involved.

All my best

Jack

<small>[ April 17, 2003, 04:24 PM: Message edited by: willmakeitwork ]</small>

End it now....I ran into my HS girlfriend three years ago...said i was sorry for hurting her almost 20 years ago....led to coffee...drinks....EA....PA....ruined my life. You have a chance to end it now before its too late, don't make the same mistake i did. You can't be 16 again, your thoughts for him are not based in reality. My wife is wonderful but she can't get passed what I did. She has had two EA's and asked me to leave. We are in counselling and I have realized what I was lacking and have made alot of changes in the past 3 years, but it doesn't look good right now.
Trust me your feelings aren't real and I wouldn't want anyone going through what we are going throught right now. You can stop it....just do it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MissJasmine:
<strong>Spacecase,
Thanks for your input, is your W with the HS sweetheart now?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, she's not. This is a complicated situation, and I don't want to go into the whole story here, but believe me: this has changed our lives and we're surviving. But we have no idea what this is going to do to us, our children and our future. All I can say is that a family has been broken up, everyone's hurt, and if we're getting anything positive out of it, that is because we've worked very, very hard for over 18 months to not let this destroy us. But there will undoubtedly be fallout we cannot yet even imagine. Of that I have no doubt.

Hi MJ,

Thanks for asking about my story. Here is a snippit:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=34;t=000991#000000

Sounds like you're on the right track....good luck!