I have been lurking for a long time but I haven't been posting very much. I fear that I am nearing the end of the line, so I am looking for any and all opinions as I feel my story is a little different than many around here.....

My D-Day was 10-19-02. My WW moved into her own place on 10-25-02 and has been there since. I believe she began an EA around 6-02 which developed into a PA anywhere from a month to two months later. She is still involved with OM to this day, nearly a year after the A began.

Sounds serious? Well, since the day that the A was discovered, WW has been insisting that it isn't about OM at all. She has been insisting that she is wrestling with the idea of being single vs. married. She is 33, nearly 34. I am 35, nearly 36. We have no children and have always planned on having no children. That has never changed for either of us and I believe that to be very true on both ends. Our marriage became a little distant emotionally over about the last year to two years prior to her affair, we have been married for almost 9 years and been together 12+.

During the time of our separation, the longest we have gone without contact has been about 2 weeks. I have initiated all contact between us for the most part, primarily through e-mail. We have gotten together only twice during this time to actually see each other. Once for about 4 hours in February and we spent an entire Saturday together in March. Beyond that, it has been relatively cordial e-mail communication and very little telephone contact during the time of our separation. OM is still in the picture, although WW continues to claim that it isn't about him- rather her desire to be married whatsoever. No, she hasn't dated anyone else during this time. No, they do not live together either. She has repeatedly told me that he is not her future and that she doesn't look at him in that way whatsoever. I have steadfastly refused to believe that she wasn't serious about him, although she has never wavered in her claims.

I have really focused on doing as good of a Plan A that I could during this time, with the little that I have had to work with. Yes, I made the typical BS mistakes for about the first month and a half- anger, accusations, LB's all over the place. All of this occurred before I found MB. During the time that I was making my mistakes, WW wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. She was remorseful and guilt ridden, but didn't want to communicate and when she did was very short and unfriendly. Thankfully, MB taught me Plan A and I have been doing far better for the last 4.5 months. I haven't made progress with WW, but at least our communication is far more frequent and much more cordial. When I e-mail, she responds almost instantaneously. I cannot complain about that at all. When I call to leave a message, she calls back quickly as well. Again I cannot complain. It is more difficult speaking to her than e-mailing as the conversation can get somewhat clumsy, but nevertheless I know she is trying her best at all times.

O.k., the bottom line. During our last date at the beginning of March, I gave WW a deadline (I know this is a MB no no) of the end of April to either choose to work on the marriage (MC) or to proceed to divorce. She has sporadically spoken to her IC during the last 6 months, but we have never been able to go to MC as she does not see how it would help. Since my "deadline" proclamation, we have had more communication than ever because we have sold our home and it has been forced upon us to communicate more frequently. I thought it was going well, I thought things were progressing toward MC at the end of April. I had given WW HNHN to read and she did so, she also read SAA as well. About 2 weeks ago she even had a session with SH as well, and then suddenly things took a turn for the worse. Over the last two weeks I had felt a bad "vibe" coming from her since the SH conversation (no I don't blame Steve) and this past Monday by e-mail of all things she told me she had made her decision-she wanted to proceed with a divorce.

Why? Here is where the "intangible opponent" enters the picture. I got together with her and had a long talk about everything. I firmly believe her now when she tells me that OM is not a factor. I am most positive that he is companionship and friendship for her and little else. I do believe the A is physical, but I don't believe it will be long term. My intangible opponent that I cannot battle is her lack of desire to be married. Not just to me, to be married period. She told me that she wants to be alone, she just wants to be single. She said she has tried to convince herself to try, but she can't go to MC and fight for our marriage when her heart is not into it. I do believe she is telling me the truth, I really believe that OM is nothing more than the catalyst for her to leave the home we shared together. Some may categorize what she did as an Exit Affair, but I had given her plenty of opportunity to divorce over the course of the last 6 months and each time she said no- that she needed more time. I do believe she has/is struggling with herself, I do believe she wants to make the right decision. She refuses to blame me for anything, although I realize that I have to take some of the blame as I was not perfect. But she just claims that a marriage is not what she wants, she wants to be single and alone. She doesn't want the commitment, she says she will never re-marry. She has nearly zero friends where we live, her only real friend right now is OM which is obviously problematic. Her 3 best friends are all from High School and live out of state, 2 have always been single and one is fairly recently divorced- again another problem. I left her place and Monday afternoon called my attorney and started the divorce proceedings. Although I love my WW with all of my heart, I truly felt sad for her as we were speaking as I could tell she really was struggling with this decision internally. She admitted it could be a MLC, but the bottom line was she felt this was the best thing we could do for the both of us.

I didn't sleep a wink on Monday night and got up in the middle of the night and re-read her e-mail asking for a divorce. In the e-mail, she frequently used the phrases "right now", and "at this time". It hit me that the deadline very well may have completely backfired against me as I knew that it might do. I hadn't given her an option other than divorce if she wasn't ready for MC, so she felt that was all that she could do. I sent her an e-mail on Tuesday morning and asked her if the reason she chose divorce was for me, so that I could have closure and move on. I also asked her if maybe she needed more time, if possibly a legal separation was what she would rather have than a divorce. I explained to her that it would give us each financial protection and the ability to live our lives more freely (at least me if I chose to do so), but it still left a bond between us and could be ripped up at any time. I suggested we try this for 6 months, and then re-evaluate where we were in October. I told her there really wasn't any downside to this, we could look back years from now and say a separation instead of a divorce was the best thing we ever did, but it was nearly impossible to ever look back at it with regret. Neither of us is in a hurry to re-marry, so neither of us should be in a hurry to divorce. I sent the e-mail and waited for her reply. She came back with a resounding yes and said it was a great idea, and asked how we proceeded to make this happen. Tomorrow afternoon I sign the legal separation papers to begin the process.

We have decided on a 6 month separation, and we will have zero contact by her choice. Why? Because she wants to use this time as a trial divorce. We haven't been in NC for more than 2 weeks during this time, she wants to go in that direction to see if she misses me. She wants to see if possibly "less is more" for her and maybe the thought of "what am I doing" and possibly losing me will give her a change of heart. We have tried everything else, this is about all that we have left. I have told her that I would basically Plan B her during this time, but she was more than welcome to contact me if she wanted to get together or missed me for any reason. I'm really not that concerned about OM, yes I wish he was gone and I hope he does go away- but this isn't about him. WW needs to discover if she does want to be married to me, or if she truly needs to move on with her life and be single. I have 6 months to hope she has a change of heart, NC is going to be a struggle for me as I miss her very much- but the alternative is a divorce if we don't find out if she misses me. She has had fleeting moments of wanting reconciliation over the last 6 months, but those moments always passed rather quickly. I told her if she had a fleeting feeling that she wanted to see me, please don't be afraid to call as I will be there for her if needed. I truly have no reason to believe she will call, this is probably nothing more than an exercise in futility and a long shot at success. But it is all that I have left with her, I really want my marriage to work but I cannot do it alone obviously. I know that allowing her to contact me isn't the "Plan B" way, but I just don't think in this instance that I am competing with OM any longer. I am competing with my wife's heart and desire, the intangible opponent that I referred to....

If you have made it this far, thank you. If you have any advice or insight- please share as I could use the help. I have been a loyal husband these last 6 months and throughout our entire marriage, WW knows that I have done my best and that I don't want to lose her. But I just don't know how I can win this fight, I'm not battling OM- I'm battling what is inside of her.

<small>[ April 18, 2003, 12:24 AM: Message edited by: sadinaz ]</small>