All -

I am really having some uncomfortable thoughts and just wish to explore them here.

On my drive into work this morning I started to wonder why I am bothering to waste my time trying to reach X. I keep thinking about his actions towards me and I'm starting to realize that it's been over for so long and the attempts that I have been making are just desperate actions from someone that just doesn't want to let it go.

I look at how mean he has treated me, and instead of paying attention, I've been looking for the littlest of straws to give me hope that he still has an interest in me. Why?

It seems like it's part of the same cycle where I have been begging and waiting, and he lives the way he wants....so let him. I just hate that this still has so much power over me when he is living life so perfectly. I'm frustrated that I seemed to mean so Little to him that he could just get over it so quickly...

I don't think I will be sending him anything. I think I'm going to continue moving away and cut if contact as much as I can. The only time he wants to talk to me is when he needs something. He can start talking to his future W from now on.

Why am I emotionally swinging so much? Am I close to closure with this or will I keep swinging?

<small>[ April 18, 2003, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

I don't know if my advice is right, but it is how I feel. If he treated you so badly and is getting on with his life, you should probably get on with your life. Find someone who will treat you right and respect you. Not someone who only comes around when he needs something. It sounds like you might go on feeling the way you are feeling for a while. It takes time to get over someone. It sounds like though you are getting closer to closure by moving away and cutting off contact, that to me is a good start. Get away from him get him out of your head. Find someone who treats you the way you should be treated. Best of luck to you.

Kily,

For me when that happened,closure was a few months away. Unfortunately my mind and heart were not in sync and that kept me swinging on that emotional roller coaster.

I kept praying for a calm heart and a clear mind. It was vital to my survival. The WS was swinging in many ways and both he and the OW were trying to take me on their ride.

U see, the A does not last unless the BS is tortured and threatened. When the BS learns to get control over their own lives, the A starts to die. Why? Because it is no longer a threat. The BS either goes into recovery with the WS (turned back to H or W), the OP goes away or the BS moves forward with SEP/D (initiated by either the BS or WS). Either way, the A is no longer the threatening A to the M. It has the opportunity to turn into a R or even M and then their (the WS/OP) has their vicious cycle to live with.

If the OP/WS built their A based on BS bashing techinques, the A may die sooner. See when the BS removes themselves from the A equation, the A is inflated and loses it's punch. In my case that is what happened. PBR (OW) hated it when the WS ran out of things to bash me with. She would even try to 'remind' him of his stretched truths and her quickturn lies. Between the 2 of them you'd think I was some sort of real NUT! But I wasn't. They just needed to see those 3 fingers of blame point back at them.

When my mind and heart reached that piece of knowledge together, then closure came and I was able to choose moving forward. At that time the WS kept trying to come back and eventually he came home. Not after many false recoveries but that's the way mine went. See it was not so much up to me except for me to decide when enough was enough but even I couldn't rush the syncing up of the heart and mind.

It took time. Don't stress. Realize this and use it as a goal. It may help.

take care,
L.

Good answer, Orchid.

I find that's true in my sitch as well, even though it was very different from your own.

All my bestest,
-Qfwfq

Hello kily,

You are swinging but your feet are closer to the ground than you think, IMHO. Don't be afraid to cut that rope. We get so used to suffering and being mistreated it seems like that's the way it is supposed to be. You will know when to cut the rope and you will take a tumble. But you will get up, dust yourself off and move on. It will be ok. Hang in there.

-Luki

Why am I emotionally swinging so much? Am I close to closure with this or will I keep swinging?

As you begin to distance yourself, you will miss contact. I would think you will still be swinging for a while, but the arc will get smaller and smaller.

Kily, you are Ok. I know you don't feel like it. I know you still wonder what is best sometimes. I say you are Ok because you are processing things at a normal ( or better) rate.

Some posters may get a big grin when they this thread, as they have been trying to get this same idea ( that you began this post with) across for quite a while.

As far as being close to closure - you are CLOSER. Does that count? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

All kidding aside, it may take quite a bit longer and you will think about it all your life, but the pain will subside and go completly away in time. I make this prediction based on what I know about you from reading here, and I believe it to be accurate.

SS

<small>[ April 18, 2003, 01:58 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Kily,

I am wondering what you are REALLY trying to get out of this.

Are you maybe needing to salvage this R, just as validation of his forgiveness? I may be wrong, but something tells me that deep down inside you are needing to "feel" his forgiveness, in order to truly move on. You are measuring his forgiveness by the level that your R returns to.

Kily, you know that the forgiveness is a GIFT from him to you in response to your remorse that you show through your actions. It is not, as harsh as this may sound, something that he OWES you in return for your remorse.

You are truly sorry for your past actions. I don't think that anyone here questions that. Now, you need to realize that your being sorry/remorseful does not guarantee the outcome. There is no guarantee that your xBF will reciprocate.

Find YOUR peace in YOUR being remorseful. NOT in your xBF's acceptance and forgiveness. Your sense of peace has to be found in YOUR heart.

Not in HIS heart.

HCII

Tantric-
Thanks for posting. It's hard to put your feelings out there for everyone to see. I'm swinging right now on whether to send it because everything seems to be dismissed by ex - that's more fear talking than anything. I think in the end, it will be my closure letter - no plan-b just simply this is what I will miss, I remember with clarity and I'm glad that you were a central part of my life. I wowuld not be KILY if this R never happened.

Orchid-

I hope that I'm closere than we both think and I pray every day for peace. I will keep what youu've written in my mind so I have something to hold onto during the dips.

Q- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
You've been such a resource for my growth. I hope that I have returned the favor.

Luki-
My fear is diminishing as my legs grow stronger. I understand things differently than I did even a week ago. I certainly can see YOUR perpective much cleare than I did when you stood on your two feet. Thanks friend...

SS-
JL hasn't posted sp I can't tell you how much of a grin he had! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

THank you so much for being my shoulder. You have really tried to understand me and help. It has certainly given me comfort during the trials. I think I am a lot CLOSER than any od us realized and THAT is a good thing. I think that tearing this apart, abnd exhausting EVERY avenue like I have, is my way of getting to the point where I won't look back. I think that this time when I finally cut the ties - I will have no regrets or guilt. Just the education that I neede to improve my life and my kids life....

BOO!
I found it. I'm just trying to exhaust all possibilities for my kids sake. One thing that his not fogiving me has done is it has created this attitude that I should give up things to make X happy. An example is today's holiday.

I'm expected to swallow my own plans and give DS up because I had an A and destroyed the family. As long as he holds himself in this ANGER mode, in his mind he can get away with this thinking....

Kily's not plyaing by those rules anymore and I can honestly say that by asking for what I needed, and calmly backing my desires up with facts, I did NOT feel guilt when he had the tantrum.

I am close and the arcs are swingging less.

Happy Easter to those that practice..

kily:

"Q-
You've been such a resource for my growth. I hope that I have returned the favor."

Many times over!!! Have a Happy Bunny Day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

And today is the one day when it's OKAY to put ALL your eggs in one basket!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-ol' Qfwfq

<small>[ April 20, 2003, 09:56 AM: Message edited by: Qfwfq ]</small>