Help! My wife is in withdrawl from her affair (discovered in August, last sexual contact 3 weeks ago). She has been trying to break contact with OM for the last few weeks, and the first week she proudly reported how well she was doing. Then the last two weeks have she has become silent about it. I dare not ask, as not to Lovebust. She had said there was only casual contact at work. Today, she called me when she went out to lunch to report exactly where she was going. I got a bad feeling, so I drove by the OM's apartment only to see his vehicle there. I drove in and found my wife's vehicle parked around a corner...so not to be seen from the street. I got out and went to the group of apartments and hollered her name...she came out in after a few minutes. She couldn't have been there more than 20 minutes, and the first thing I asked was "Did you F*&# him?" She said NO, besides, I'm on my period. Then she started the "I'm sorry, I know you are right for me...I'll break it off with him" story. The same one I got when I went to see a divorce attorney. I don't really believe her, and I'm afraid I have no choice but to proceed to Plan "B". I just don't think I can take any more, and I don't want to love-bust. Any help or opinions are NEEDED!

This is the right time for Plan B, when you can't take it anymore. You will have to be strong as she will probably run to om. It will be up to him then to fill all her needs. Right now she is getting them all filled by the both of you.<P>It is very,very hard, but if you love your w this is about all you can do at this time.<P>Will she attend counseling ?<P>Will she leave job to break all contact?<P>These are the other things needed to get your marriage back on track .

We have been to couseling together, now she is going by herself (she claims there are things she cannot say in front of me). She is having a hard time breaking from OM, she wants to remain friends but I can't see how we can ever make progress with him so accessible. I've asked if she would change jobs to physically get away from him, but she says she can make the break while still being near him. She knows Harley's principle, and me belief that a complete split is necessary, but she doesn't have the stregth to do it.

Intuition--<P>When you feel you cannot take any more, and can remain firm in your convictions, you are ready for Plan B. Not before. <P>At this point, sounds like she's not ready to give up OM. She's deluding herself into thinking they can still be friends, or that she can still work with him...it's actually a rationalization to remain close to him, but to pacify you also. Won't work. But you can't make her do what you want her to do. Horribly frustrating, isn't it?? <P>What could these things be that she is unwilling to discuss w/counselor in front of you?

My wife doesn't want me in her couseling sessions because she is talking about her feelings for OM. She says those are things that will only bring me more pain (like that is possible). <P>Another question, If I stick in Plan "A", how can I continue to not love-bust, and try to meet her emotional needs when I'm getting hurt so badly by her actions with the OM? It tears me up that she cannot see this guy for what he really is...

These are things that you do need to hear, not details, but why she found another man.<BR>Then by working on yourself to correct these problems you will be able to win your w's heart back. But you can not lovebust as she will use this to justify the affair.<P>It is very, very difficult not too, but you you have to put her first, you cannot think about your feelings right now.

Intuition --<P>Watch the confrontations of OM. An immediate, big time LB. I know -- I did it myself. But, I also know what drove you to that moment, and I don't think that I (or many others on this board) would have reacted differently.<P>I may be in the minority, but I WOULD like to hear what she has to say. I am of the belief that you cannot real fix what you don't know is broke. But, don't hold your breath.<P>Sheba, Susan, and a few others have made it clear to me that you have to walk the fine line between showing interest in your w, and not pushing her too far (and, hence, away). Sheba in particular impressed upon me the importance of remaining positive, supportive, and creating a safe environment where your w can come to you without feeling threatened. It's not an easy balancing act.<P>Only you know if you have to shift to Plan B. At this time, would that drive her further away? <P>Also, you've got to do a self assesment. What drove her away from you? What's the root of the problem? The affair was an effect -- whatwas the cause? You cannot wait for her to tel you. You've got to try to find it yourself and her (when she's ready) confirm your suspicions in her own way.<P>Hang in there. And, keep your chin up. It ain't easy...!<P>-- keystone

Keystone - we have 2 small children, and we put our relationship on "autopilot" for the last 2 years. No dates, no time away from kids, no flowers, no love notes...you get the picture. This guy comes along and tells her she has beautiful eyes, and she's hooked. He is doing what I should have been doing all along. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't meeting many of my emotional needs either, but I think we both know how we got here. Now she says that she is scared to go forward with me because she doesn't have the feelings for me that she has for him (excitement, sexual lust). I know we can find the magic in our relationship, but with him in the picture it is a painfully slow process.

keystone is heading you down the right path. My two cents--follow that advice! <P>A thought...I don't really think WHAT you talk about is actually the lovebuster, it's HOW you talk about it. You have to perform the ultimate juggling act by switching places with your spouse during conversation. Ask yourself--how I just said that, could be it hurtful?<P>I read a suggestion for a communication technique. Index cards, both have 3, draw on one a + (for positive or good feeling), the 2nd a - (for negative or bad feeling) and the 3rd a zero (for neutral, or unaffected feeling). Have a 4th card that says "floor." One starts the conversation--they have the "floor" card, in essence, the speaking floor. Speak as concisely as possible to start...example: "I didn't like it when you came home late. I felt sad." Then pass the floor card across the table. The other speaks: "I understand you didn't like it when I came home later than I said. Why did you feel sad?" Back and forth, brief sentences. The purpose is not to solve the problem, but to address the feelings. With each comment, the other holds up a feelings card, depending on how each comment made them feel. Try to stay on-subject until feelings are shared.

Communication is key, and however you can open that channel up is good. Lucks has a good idea, but BOTH SIDES have to be game for it to really work.<P>What you say has a lot of similarities to my story. Two wonderful kids, 15+ years of marriage, college sweathearts -- and too many years of neglect. A fault that so many of us have fallen into is that we've grown complacent with our marrriages. Neither side puts forth much effort to keep the fire alive. We just assume that everything will go along great without any special effort. <P>Surprise! Meet the MB Forum!!!<P>You've gotten thru the self assensment. Now you have to make the corrections that you are conscious of and hope that it is percieved in a positive way. Can't push to hard, or too fast. My W also says that she sees my effort, but continues to resent the fact that I didn't show the effort a while ago. Now, she doesn't know if or when she will have feeling for me again. <P>Sound similar?<P>Thank God for this site. It's the one true place that I feel that I can get real and sincere feedback. It's done SOOOOOO much good for me -- so much more than counseling. Well, that's another thread...<P>-- keystone