(I also posted this topic over on the Divorcing/Divorced board, and I'm getting some rather harsh replies from people who don't know me at all, so I'm curious what you folks think over here.)

I was at a small social gathering last night, and in the midst of one conversation someone asked someone howcome a certain couple split up. The answer was, "Oh he had affairs on her."

As many of you know, my H has already taken to telling his parents, his brothers, 1 of his grandparents, his aunt and uncle, not to mention about 5 people he works with that I cheated on him, and we're only separated at this point.

He said he had to tell them the truth b/c they all would otherwise assume he cheated on me (with one of his two female friends). In fact, when he told his mom we were separated, her first question was if he was having an affair with one of them. His brother's first question was, "Well which one is it?" (that he was having an A with). My point here is he didn't just tell people because, "because he felt he needed to be open and honest with them..and so that they could be supportive of him and his hurt..." (as one poster said over in D/D).

So what do you plan to or expect you will tell people about why you divorced? Do you plan to protect your former spouse's reputation, or do you intend to tell the blunt truth? Why?

I feel sick inside imagining my H telling everyone and anyone for the rest of my life that we got a divorce because I cheated on him. I know I'm not supposed to care what other people think, but it hurts nonetheless to be looked down upon as such a horrible human being. (Yes, I know I should have thought of that before I cheated on my H.)

Jen

<small>[ April 19, 2003, 11:39 AM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jen Brown:
[QB
So what do you plan to or expect you will tell people about why you divorced? Do you plan to protect your former spouse's reputation, or do you intend to tell the blunt truth? Why?

[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jen,
Since I have children, I am in a different boat. Because of my children, if we get a divorce,I will not advertise why. The important people in my life know that my W had an A.

Now, Jen, I have a question for you? If you divorce what are you going to tell people?

Jen, you will not be defined by your past, but by your future. Have you learned from this? Will you take steps in the future to ensure this will not happen again?

No matter what you or your H tell people, if you get divorced, someday you will meet another man who you love and respect. And he will probably ask what happened with your first marriage. If you love him, you will tell him the truth. And if you have truly learned from your mistakes you can also tell him that with conviction, and I think it will cease to be an issue.

Michael

I just tell people she left.

If we start discussing, it, I tell them she ran off with her bf.

Not many people don’t know at this point because no one has seen her in 4 +years, so it is really a moot point.

Michael,
Since I have children, I am in a different boat. Because of my children, if we get a divorce,I will not advertise why. The important people in my life know that my W had an A.
Does this mean that the children don’t or won’t know about the affair?

Does this mean that your children are NOT important in your life?

If they don’t know about it, what do they think about the last two years and what has been going on?

A good reason for telling them is to let them know that people (even parents) are not perfect. You are teaching them life. You are teaching them to handle difficult situations.

Hi

After 2 years of trying to save my marriage, I gave up and filed for divorce because then I could file on the grounds of his adultery and not him filing after 2 years separation (UK Law) So- my explanation is because he is off living with another woman- which actaully all friends and relatives including our children know anyway! I don't see why it should appear that we just 'fell out, couldn't get on etc when I tied a 110% to save this m.

Jante

Thanks for sharing your perspective Michael, Chris and jante.

I guess one of my biggest frustrations is I have tried very hard to make it clear how remorseful I am to my H, and how much I want to make this M work, but he's still keeping me at a distance and is very undecided, to the point where I fear divorce is iminent. I ended my A with D-day, and I am NOT living with an OM. Yet my H still seems to feel compelled to tell people I had an A.

I think part of his MO here is he hopes to frustrate me enough into filing for Dv because I just can't take waiting anymore, then he can tell people for the rest of his life that I left him.

I don't think it's fair that he may tell the whole world that I cheated on him and so we divorced, and it leaves out the fact that I am (was) willing to do anything possible to save our M, but he wasn't.

But yes I know, life's not fair.

Anyone else care to share what you plan to tell people and why, just to satisfy my curiosity?

Jen

Hi Jen,
At first I didn't tell anyone about the A because I was ashamed, like the A was because something is wrong with me. But as time went on and many incidents I finally started telling more and more people. Now, I only tell those close to me. I don't go blabbing it all over. But that was the reason for our divorce. I love my ex and I wouldn't do anything to disrespect him but it is just the fact.

For you it sounds like it was very short-lived and you are now remorseful. I think once you make peace with yourself and you forgive yourself, then you won't worry so much about what others think. I think if you can get passed the secrecy and think that you are human and you made a mistake and your are working on become better then you will not mind so much what others think. Its really not about your H and what others think but it is more about you and what you think. You have no control over what he or anyone else says. Just try and live with the worst scenario (the whole city knows) once you've grieved and healed passed that it can't hurt you. But this post sounds as though you are holding on to hope that no one else finds out and that is not likely to happen which is dragging out your healing process. Just my opinion although its not worth much.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris (CA123):
<strong>Michael,

Does this mean that the children don’t or won’t know about the affair?

Does this mean that your children are NOT important in your life?

If they don’t know about it, what do they think about the last two years and what has been going on?

A good reason for telling them is to let them know that people (even parents) are not perfect. You are teaching them life. You are teaching them to handle difficult situations.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Chris,
to answer your questions, yes our children know. They don't know the nuts and bolts, but they know enough. They are the most important people in my life, and yes, they deserved the truth. It was very hard, and the little that they know and understand has made thier relationship with their mother very hard. The decision to tell our children was made jointly by my W and I.

For the sake of my children, if we divorce, the reason I would not advertise it is that I don't think they need to have everyone knowing why their parents split, given the circumstances. If someday they chose to tell people, then they can.

Hopefully, it won't come to that. But everything I have done up to now is for my childrens best interest, and everything I do in the future will be for their best interest.
Michael

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You have no control over what he or anyone else says. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">True, all too true.

I shouldn't worry about what I have no control over. I often lose sight of that. Thanks for pointing that out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But this post sounds as though you are holding on to hope that no one else finds out and that is not likely to happen which is dragging out your healing process. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup, I am holding onto that hope. It's the eternal optimist in me. I don't imagine I will be able to fully heal until my H decides to "take me back" and really work on this M, or he decides to Dv me. I am waiting for him on his timetable unfortunately. If I don't wait for him on his timetable, that means filing for Dv myself, and giving him the chance to tell everyone for the rest of our lives that I left him. I don't want to give him that opportunity.

Jen

If people are asking him about those other women right away, do you think there's a slight chance they are not surprised you had an A?

Don't beat yourself up so much Jen. It kills me! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Jen, as much as you hate to hear this, your H has every RIGHT to tell people the truth, that you cheated on him. I'm NOT saying it is the RIGHT thing to do necessarily, but it is his right.

In the same light, you could answer the question as that you've D'd (should that be the outcome) b/c you made a mistake, and had an A, in unknown retalliation of years of his EA's and porn addiction.

Either way is (to a certain extent) mud slinging at the other person. The most honest and truthful answer is that you've both made terrible mistakes in the M, and neither of you can come to terms with repairing it... or something like that.

Now, more to your question (and none of that reading between the lines stuff <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). How do I answer to why H and I are getting a D? Hmmm... to be honest, I've been thinking about that for a long time (well, ever since you posted the initial question <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

For the most part, my life is an open book, and I'll tell anyone who will listen, the gory details of the "whys" we are going through a D. However, at first, if they ask, I just tell people that my H had some very serious problems, and wasn't able to commit to working on the M with me. I don't feel I'm doing any mud slinging by saying that, and yet it's still VERY MUCH the truth.

I still believe that you're taking on far too much guilt over your A's Jen. Your H is just as "guilty", and quite possibly has some addictions to boot! His porn use and alcoholism are EXTREMELY SERIOUS issues Jen, and should not be taken lightly in the whole picture. So try to give yourself a break, okay? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Well I suspect that if he has already told non family members then the word is out anyhow. Especially given the fact that you two are seperated and he is more than likely being seen with another woman.

Well, I guess I know I shouldn't beat myself up so much. Reading so many posts (on other threads) from hurt BSs probably doesn't help me I guess. But our situation is unique.

Some good news. I had a really good visit with my MIL today. In short, she emphasized how my H wouldn't be in such emotional turmoil if he didn't still love me. It's also very evident from our convo that she, my BIL's, and my H's four grandparents very much see how remorseful I am. So if they see it, my bet is my H sees it too, and just is still struggling with his pride and stubborness, etc.

She was so helpful and encouraging today. She's still going through living hell without my FIL around but she gave me some advice today that seems so simple and smart. I told her how I've kind of backed off on my H, I've stopped sending him notes, or calling him very often, b/c he said if I put too much pressure on him, he feels like running the other way. She said don't stop doing nice things for him or asking him to do things, the worst thing he can do is say no. She thinks I should keep the pressure up, and hopefully he'll give in eventually.

I hemmed and hawed for weeks about going to plan B, but I am SO thankful I never did it. I know the right thing is to be persistant and patient at the same time, and be as loving as I can to my H. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him by my side. I know I still love him. I know I want to make him feel that he can trust me and be happy again. I guess I just have to keep praying for patience!

Thanks again folks,

Jen

I'm so glad you got to talk with your MIL. I love mine, she is one of my best friends. I'm sorry to hear you didn't get too nice of responses on the divorce forum. Just remember those people don't REALLY know you and they are posting off of their own emotions and experiences.

I hope you have a nice Easter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think the most honest answer is something like "We were having problems, & we both made mistakes in how to handle them. I made the mistake of not realizing it and doing something about it, she made the mistake of finding someone else."
I don't know...I guess each situation is different; but Jen; you can hold your head high. This will not define you. And to those that it DOES define you...well, those are not the people you might find your future partner from.

Jen

The first person H told about my A was my mother - beat that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My behaviour was appalling, but look at H now - is he behaving any better, and what actually led to the breakdown of our M? Lots of different things, but for H it will always be my A. He will tell his friends what he will, as I will tell mine what I will. I have been open and honest with my friends and not shied away from the responsibility I have to take in the breakdown of my M.

Not one person has criticised me - not one. They see my regret, my remorse and my shame and even one of my dear friends whose H had an A said "Lisa, who am I to judge you". Inevitably, H's friends will be supportive of him, and probably say "What a cow, how could she do that do you, how terrible for you". You know what? I don't care really. H is a master of disguise, I'm sure he won't tell them about his violence towards me, his constant debt, his distance when in Germany etc. etc. Life isn't a dress rehearsal, it's not tit for tat.

For me, I find that I have to be honest, completely honest with people now, because if not, it was caught up with the old Lisa that was a liar and a cheat. Does it make me feel good? No, but I know where I stand.

Lisa

Hi there Jen,
I follow your threads quite often although I rarely reply at all anymore on MB. It's just a matter of time in my life- and not having time to respond much.

I separated in 2000, I was the WS. Our divorce was final in August 2002. My exH has told very few that I had an A. He's a very kind person, and I still really love the man. I have told a few close friends, and my family knows--the 'real' reason, although we'd had struggles off and on throughout our marriage. I still feel my A was me going off the deep end, so to speak, and I certainly don't wish to broadcast that around the city. It's the biggest shame of my life, really. Gosh, people don't ask "Why?" too much, Jen, not nice people--anyway. Nice people tend to be more sensitive and non-nosey.

As far as people here and there in our lives, no one has ever asked me 'why' as far as the divorce goes. This is no one's business, is it? I think that a simple response is the best one, or else as Miss Manners says to say to nosey people, "I beg your pardon," or "Why on earth would you ask me that?" What's wrong with , "We grew apart, and couldn't work things out." I see no reason to air everything to everybody--especially when it's all said and done and people have seen the huge mistakes they've made. You're a former WS, you're not carrying on now. Why should you and I forever mention our huge mistake?

It's late at night, so maybe this hasn't made sense. Forgive me if it doesn't. Take care Jen and know that I hope all the best for you.

BTW-based on the other thread I read here . I think your H still cares about you, but I think you should 'back off', like some other person suggested. It will make you more appealing, indeed! Like they wisely said, "A puppy will quit running away when you quit chasing it.."

Take care,
H_P

Thanks for your post hopeful_person. It's so good of you to stick around and continue posting after your Dv was final, and try to help us still in the midst of this mess.

Indeed, "we grew apart" is a nice, short but truthful response. I like your "Miss Manners" reply for the rude and overly inquisitive ("Why would you ask me that?! That is none of your business.")

Your post makes sense, even if it is later at night!

Thanks for your thoughts on what to do right now, about backing off. Really, it won't be that hard to do, I'm so sickened by his behaviour, his choice to invite a woman he just met into our home for a drink late at night. What's tough is cutting out R talk, when I really would like to know why the heck he decided to do such a thing.

Jen