I am so angry at WS, and tired of the BS. I am having a hard time being kind after long plan a.. and his continual blaming.

I am backing off and leaving him alone, and he is not showing a big interest in time with me alone, he wants the kids , not me... when that question was addressed in counseling.. he says he loves all of us the same- me and the kids, but in different ways of love...

Well he only wants to do family stuff, never alone stuff.. and hates R talk, and likes to blame me if there is an issue.

he is also lying to me about some big and little things.. that are still going on, or have gone on.. no more A for now as far as I know, but we are farther apart than ever... except that he goes to weekly counseling and is willing to talk.

I have drawn more boundaires and he is angry at me... I feel that maybe b/c of my boundaries ws may give up and find someone who will live with him the way he wants to live.

Thanks, H

Hi Honey!!!
I'm sorry you are going through all this.

I think it is perfectly natural for people who are not used to boundaries to get very angry when you first start implementing them. Its kinda like they are testing to see where that boundary line starts and ends. For so long they drove right through them and treated you like crap that this is something new for them. He might just likely give you up for someone who is like you use to be (boundaryless) but keep in mind that if he was happy with that person then there would not have been an OW during that time. So he may go seeking out that type of woman but he will not be happy with her and go seeking out another OW. Hopefully, as you are drawing boundaries and you become a healthier person he will eventually start appreciating and loving the new you and desire to be that way too. Boundaries are a way of loving yourself. You are learning how to love yourself while at the same time teaching him how to love you.

As far as the lying goes make sure he doesn't think he is getting away with it. Don't argue about it just point out the facts: what you said is not true and here are the facts. I don't appreciate being lied to but I will be patient with you as you try and figure out what you want.

I hope this helps. Hang in there! Remember you are not wasting time because you are growing and becoming a new person as you go through this trial so no matter how it turns out, you end up better.

Thanks to you both, Jazzey and Ilove, Oh I miss you I love! So glad that you take care of you for a long time now!

Sad that ws can be such JaXX , such a pity. I loved him so so much, and he is hurting me so so much.. it is unbelieveable- and I hate him for it!

I still have love in my heart, deep, but this JA, is really blowing some steam... awry- I am soo oosooooo mad at him and very angry at this point... why oh why do I get the cr++ of life shubbed at me?

Why? B/c I take it?

Don't know anymore, just sick of it.

f him- oops can you tell I am mad?

bye for now, h

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Honey:
<strong>I have drawn more boundaires and he is angry at me... I feel that maybe b/c of my boundaries ws may give up and find someone who will live with him the way he wants to live.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good for you for drawing those boundaries Honey. Those are for YOU and were long overdue too. If your H has a problem with them, then really, that's HIS problem. I'm not trying to be crass, but to hit the nail on the head.

And if he finds someone else who will live with him the way he wants to live, that should be okay too. After all, it is NOT the way you want to live. You've made that quite clear throughout your time here at MB.

If your love bank is draining as much as it sounds like it is, now would be a good time to move to plan B. If anything, just for your own sanity. Jim is fence sitting, and you're not giving him any reason to think that he can't "have it all", b/c quite frankly, right now, he does. And he doesn't deserve it. He hasn't come close enough to earning it, IMO.

Karen

Honey, I don't know if I could be of any comfort to you right now, but I wanted to pipe in and tell you that where you are right now is exactly where I am.

I can't really even believe how similar we are. I am so angry at my WS and I've finally had all I can take. He is defensive, angry, totally not remorseful, and in complete denial about A. The only thing that is different in my case is that OW is in another country and I don't have visual proof or a P.I. to investigate for me.

We have gone to Christian counseling but there is nothing they can do except take our money, if WS is going to continue to put up the Great Wall of China. This is such a hard lesson for me in letting go of any expectations for recovery. WS says he wants to work it out but no actions to back it up. Ws lies like I've never seen before too and that REALLY ticks me off.

I have been a weak a** in enforcing boundries and it's gotten me nowhere. I'm learning as I go. BUT in my situation WS is living in a house down the street from me and he is always around! I realize now that if I am even going to have some form of civil conversation w/him, one of us needs to be out of sight. This has been a major source of stress for me.

Topie25 is dead on in that you MUST move into a plan B. You are going to lose your sanity and dignity pretty soon if you don't. You won't have any respect or feelings left for him also. And you'll carry around this baggage w/ you b/cause you didn't process this all properly.

The hardest thing for me to come to grips with is that there really isn't anything I can do as long as WS is still in this mode. I have been so angry and hurt the past couple of days especially. I hate this feeling. As angry as you are, try to stay focused on you and the boys. I wish all the wonderful people here on MB lived close to each other. I'd invite you all over and we could have a couple of drinks and go out on our boat and just relax!!!

Just a final thing... I love what Jazzygirl quoted...If God brings you to it; He will bring you through it. I am going to write that down and have that w/me at all times. THAT WILL KEEP MY EYES OFF OF WS AND ON HIM!

God bless you girl and know that we all are praying for each other.

ljkm3,

Thanks for the support.. I appreciate it. The most action in improvement I have seen is in the boundaries.. but I still fear I may lose him.

Thank goodness today I am feeling kinder and more gentle and less angry toward him.. it gets very hard.. when he refuses to do simple restoring steps to our M... or simple honesty, etc... but insists that he is... blah blah..

The boundaries are so scary to place up.

But how true it is that we do not want men who do not resepct us and proper boundaries, etc.

I strongly strongly advise the book- Boundaries... please take a look if you have a chance, it will help you.

Hugs and Prayers, May Christ be with you.

Honey

<small>[ April 20, 2003, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

Hey Honey!

I know it's been forever, but I just wanted you to know that I was out here thinking about you! I haven't logged on in over 3 months!!! But you were the first one I wanted to check up on. I'm sorry to here about your anger, and unfortunately it kinda justified so it's hard not to agree with you and just let you vent. But I was glad to read that your feeling more caring and gentle now! I hope you keep up those boundaries, they ARE important!

HUGS and thinking of you often!
PQ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am having a hard time being kind after long plan a.. and his continual blaming....he is also lying to me about some big and little things.. that are still going on, or have gone on...I have drawn more boundaires and he is angry at me... I feel that maybe b/c of my boundaries ws may give up and find someone who will live with him the way he wants to live. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> it gets very hard.. when he refuses to do simple restoring steps to our M... or simple honesty, etc... but insists that he is... blah blah..

The boundaries are so scary to place up.

But how true it is that we do not want men who do not resepct us and proper boundaries, etc. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wholeheartedly agree with every word that I've quoted. I feel quite the same and here I am the FWS, and my H is the BS.

What you said about him finding someone else without boundaries to be with....that's why my H loves his female friends, they're like well-trained dogs for the most part, or so I'd like to believe.

He got SO upset with me when I got wise and put up some boundaries. So stupid me, I tore them down and was "nicer" to him, like he asked me to be, and things are a mess again. I have to put my boundaries back up.

Keep yours in place Honey. And as I've been told so many times in the past day or two, focus on you, and hopefully he'll come around.

Take care,

Jen