Hi there,
Just recently found this site and was blown away with the information. I wish I had found it years ago - it might have avoided so much heartache in my marriage.

To be brief: after 4 years of marriage and the birth of our first child I had a brief affair with a co-worker. Neither my H or my emotional needs were being met by each other and rather than deal with it together, I turned to someone else. It is a decision I will regret for the rest of my life. It's now been 4 years since the affair, we have seen a cousellor and worked on our marriage, and we are determined to stay together. However I still work at the same place. I changed departments which has greatly reduced my contact with the co-worker in question - I have little to no contact and do not have any lingering feelings towards him. I am committed to my H, but he understandably has issues. Work functions are a no-go and in low times, this issue is usually brought up.

After reading many of the concepts and articles on infidelity I am seriously considering leaving my job - for the sake of my marriage. Although we need to work at improving the time spent together and truly meeting each others needs, I feel that this might still be needed.

My question is, after 4 years, will this decision mean anything? I would really appreciate thoughts from parties on either side of the situation.

THX

Jewlie,
For me, if it were done for the sake of the M and your S. it WOULD mean a lot...even after all this time.

If you're both working on this together, and he's also read the material and learned, he'll know what it means, and he'll appreciate it. It would mean a lot to me, a gesture like that.

Actually it would mean EVEN more after this amount of time.

It would mean you haven't forgotten the pain the affair caused.

But most important of all it shows 4 years later you still have your marriage as the highest priority.

I agree with Stunned Dad. After this long I think it means even more.

ditto <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thank you so much for your replies. I was amazed at how much sense the move made. I am almost embarassed that it's taken so long to realize how much pain this must have caused for my H. I had convinced myself that we would still have lingering problems even if I left my job, so why leave it. I can know see how wrong that was.

At the moment I'm the only one looking at Marriage Builders, but I am sharing its concepts with my H.

I am planning on going back to school in Sept 2004 and was going to leave my job at that time (if I'm accepted), however I realize that I need to act now. I told my H that I wanted to leave my current job now and find another one and if I go to school, I go, but if that doesn't work out - at least I will have this new job to work on. Although he is not a very emotionally demonstrative person, it was very obvious that he was happy with the idea. I wanted his support on this move and he gave it to me. We did not discuss the "true" reason for my recent change of heart, mainly due to time restrictions, however I do want to express it to him.

Any suggestions on how I should bring this up. As the A is not a daily topic in the household, I almost dread bringing it up (the ole can of worms idea).

Thanks again for your wonderful posts.

Jewlie,

I don't know if you've read anything on the website other than the forums, so, I am going to cut and paste the URL's to make it easy for you and your spouse.

First you and your spouse need to understand the Marriage Builders Concepts, and how Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages. One of the things that Dr. Harley does with his Basic Marriage Building Concepts, is to restore the marriage from an Affair. What is an affair? Is my spouse having an Affair? Am I having an Affair? What must I do?

Once the both of you understand the Marriage Builders Concepts you will then, ONLY, able to begin the end of the hurt for everyone.

There are Steps to Recover from an Affair. But first you must understand why all of this happened and how are you going to Survive this Affair?

There are many parts to an Affair. Whether the Unfaithful Wife the Unfaithful Husband, or the Other Person the process to end the Affair and Restore the Marriage is the hardest and the most stressful thing in your life that you will do.

Coping with Infidelity, Part 1: How Do Affairs Begin?
Coping with Infidelity, Part 2: How Should Affairs End?
Coping with Infidelity, Part 3: Restoring the Marital Relationship.
Coping with Infidelity, Part 4: Overcoming Resentment.

Also, you need to understand completely, What Plan A and Plan B? are.

Accepting the basic Marriage Builders Concepts will help both you and your spouse make the necessary changes to make each other happy again.

How do you make your spouse happy when you don't know what makes them happy? Try and understand how to fill their Love Bank.

Understanding your Love Bank and that of your spouses will help both of you understand each others Instincts and Habits.

When we understand what our spouses Instincts and Habits are and we can see how they react to triggers that affect their Love Bank, only then will you and your spouse be able to understand and fulfill each others Most Important Emotional Needs.

Before trying to understand each others Most Important Emotional Needs, you both need to understand what the description of each need is.
Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration

You and your spouse need to click and print the following Questionaire's:
(Print 2 copies for each of you and take your time filling them out, alone, in a quiet place where you have time to think.)

Emotional Needs Questionaire
Love Busters Questionaire
Personal History Questionaire
Financial Support Questionaire
Recreational Enjoyment Inventory

When you both finish the Emotional Needs Questionaires, both of you need to look at The Policy of Undivided Attention.

With all of this attention the two of you are giving each other you will undoubtedly encounter Love Busters.

What are Love Busters? Here is a short list to better help you understand what Love Busters are and how to avoid them:
Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

How do you communicate that your Emotional Needs aren't being met; or that your spouse is continually Love Busting? To communicate to one another you need to understand
Four Rules for a Successful Marriage.

The four rules are:
The Rule of Care.
The Rule of Protection.
The Rule of Honesty.
The Rule of Time.

Also, you both need to practice The Policy of Radical Honesty.

The First Part of the Policy of Radical Honesty is: Emotional Honesty.
The Second Part of the Policy of Radical Honesty is: Historical honesty.
The Third Part of the Policy of Radical Honesty is: Current Honesty.
The Fourth Part of the Policy of Radical Honesty is: Future Honesty.

When you are truley ready to restore your marriage you need to understand and construct a Policy of Joint Agreement between you and your spouse

Under the POJA, you need to understand what The Giver and The Taker are.

Once restoration begins under the Policy Of Joint Agreement (POJA), you and your spouse need to prepare you minds for marriage to be able to negotiate under the POJA. To negotiate under the POJA, you and your spouse need to understand the 'state of mind' the marriage is in.

The First State of Mind in Marriage is Intimacy.
The Second State of Mind in Marriage is Conflict.
The Third State of Mind in Marriage is WithDrawal.

Some issues you might encounter under negotiation are also listed.
How does one spouse lead the other back to Intimacy?
The Policy of Undivided Attention.
How to Survive Incompatibility.
How to Overcome Annoying Behavior.
What to Do with an Alcholic Spouse.
Can a Marriage be saved by one Spouse. (Part 1)
Can a Marrage be saved by one Spouse. (Part 2)
Having Trouble with the Policy Of Joint Agreement?
Following Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation.

So now that you have a basic understanding of what is going to happen in the process of rebuilding your marriage, you should seek additional counseling first as well as support in the Forums. You should contact the Harley's for counseling. Also, the Harley's recommend some informative books to help you restore your marriage.

So who is this guy Dr. Harley anyways?

If you have anymore questions, feel free to ask your questions, no matter how small, silly or stupid you think that they are.

Welcome to MB

note: Although I put this together in a handy quick reference page, none of the above is the work of my own. It is the property of Marriage Builders, Inc.,

I agree with everyone about the idea of doing it for his comfort.

Reverse the situation and put your H at work with someone who he had an affair with. Would his leaving the job help your feelings and insecurities about his work, the OP and your marriage?

It would be a wonderful relief of worry knowing that my W did this for me.

Is it going to be hard for you to find work in your area or line of work if you decide to follow through?

When are you planning to follow through? Let us know. Welcome to MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jewlie, How are you doing?