Hey gang.
Thanks for helping me with my last problem some time ago. Here's my new problem
My W and I have known each other for 5 years and married now for about 6 months. During that time early on she once went out drinking with a group of my friends at a bar and she had a little too much. In a nutshell she came home feeling so sick and didn't have a good night detoxing herself. After that she said she was bever gonns do that again as it made her feel real sick to even think about drinking anymore.
At her bachlorette party she got somewhat drunk, but had a designated driver, whom which I trust very much to watch over her and that was okay.
She went out on my best friend's wife to be's bachlorette night and drank with the girls and got into more trouble than I want to bring up again, but solved that problem on the boards here.
Recently we went to a party and she got drunk again (pretty much a drinking party with some good friends). I watched her that night to make sure she didn't go crazy and when the evening was over she of course passed out in the car, but nothing bad. The norm for having a bit too much.
The thing that gets to me here is that she never really used to go out and drink with friends. I am not much of a drinker myself and could tell you everything I've ever had ONCE: One beer ever, one strawberry dachary, one strawberry margarita, and a Mike's hard Cranberry drink, all on different occasions. I really don't care for alcohol, nor do I let that be the primary focus of having a good time. The only thing I need to have fun is my friends and some good laughs. I don't understand what is so wonderful about going places to drink and hang with friends. It's just not how I function. My wife has told me that she knows she can't handle booze very well and I already knew this and of course admitting it is great, but I worry so much if she goes out and does this stuff if she doesn't have a strong designated driver to help keep her in line. She says she does well with hard liquor better than coolers and such... sure maybe she doesn't feel sick at all, but still makes her equally intolerant after a while.
Why does drinking have to be part of having fun? I can understand doing it socially and in moderation is okay, but when you know you cannot control what you take in it really worries me.
Last night was her best friend's birthday and she was going to take her out to dinner. The plan was that my W's best friend was going to meet up with her boyfriend (also one of my best friends) and then my W was going to leave and head home for the night. I had been at an event I have been planning weeks for with some friends of mine that we did all day for things we usually do for charity or to put some smiles on kids faces donating our time dresing up as characters we like to do in our spare time. I previously told my W that I was going to be there all day and didn't know what time in the evening I was even going to be back, but said to make sure she had a good time with her friend's birthday dinner and that I would see her later and she was completely fine by it because she supports what I like to do and was completely cool with it.
Well I got home earlier in the evening, very tired and this was just before my W's best friend came over so she could drive her to dinner. Before that my cousin called and one of my best friends came over (the one who's the boyfriend of my W's best friend) and we were going to hang out for a while this evening while she was gone and just hang. When my W's best friend got here and in her talking to my W in another room momentarily they came back in and my W said, "Okay, you're meeting us later." I was thinking, "What?" She knew I had planned to just stay while she was going to go out and have fun just as ladies and have a good time going to dinner. I told her that I said I didn't know if I really felt like going because I was feeling tired and had a hectic week getting organized for it and that also my cousin was going to be coming over and that was all cool and she didn't take it harshly at all and said that was fine and saw her to the door as she left with her friend.
My best friend came over after they left and we were going to hang out for a while before he was going to leave and meet up with my W's best friend (and at that time was going to leave and come home so they could have their time out) Later my W's best friend called my best friend who was over at my place and said he had to bring me down there. She seems to like controlling what people do and have no one have a say. Anyway he got off the phone with her and I said I couldn't go with him because my cousin was on the road and I wasn't going to leave a note on the door and say, "Sorry! I went out to this city with my other friend" and sent my cousin home. My best friend said, "Okay cool. I'll let them know. No biggie." Later my cousin finally showed up and we were hanging for a bit. Then my W calls and said, "You gotta come down here!" And I told her I had my cousin over and we were hanging out. "Well tell him to come along!" And I already told her I didn't feel like driving all that way as I was really tired (had nothing to do with not wanting to be with her) and was just wanting to stay at home and hang out. She got upset and said, "Well fine then I'll just watch ___ and ___ sit here and make out and I'll just a couple waters and go home." in an angry tone. Then I said, "You want me to come down there so you can have some drinks?" And she said, "Yeah and then you can drive me home." and then I said, "You said you were going to take ____ out to dinner and then when my best friend showed up to meet her friend there you were going to leave for the night and come home." and then she got upset again and eventually hung up. After I got off the phone I asked my cousin if he wanted to go out and he said that was fine, so I called my W up feeling guilty (which I shouldn't have been feeling) and asked where they were and that I'd meet them there and bring my cousin along. What I didn't like that this point was the lack of respect that I honestly didn't feel like driving out late in the evening being tired from my event I was at all day, while whenever I ask if she wants to come along on something or call and ask if she'd like to meet me with my friends down somewhere and she says she doesn't really feel like it or is tired I hold nothing against and say okay then that's fine if she's tired.
So we got there and when all of us were walking outside I told her that later I wanted to talk to her. She got snippy and asked, "Well why don't you talk now and tell me so I can be angry now." And I said I'll talk to you later. I'm not pissed or anything, I just wanted to talk to later. She demanded I say what it was and I then told her that I hadn't planned to come out here tonight and I was a bit upset on not accepting my answer for not wanting to come down at night that I drove out here, basically the issue of respecting one's feelings (and I said it in a friendly tone, not angry the least). She got very angry and without me saying anything else she quietly, but angrily said, "Go home. I'll have fun by myself then." "I'm not going home. I came out here already and I'll hang out with you guys for a while." and she said, "Just go home." I went to go sitdown with my Wife, friends and cousin and she didn't say a word. I quietly just said, "Look, if you called me because you want to have some drinks and want me to drive home then I'm happy you called because I don'tw ant you driving in bad condition. I wan't you to have a good time with your friend so have some fun! That's cool." When the waiter came to ask what we all wanted I just said I'd have a water and then she said she wasn't going to have anything. She got up and said she was going home and stormed off. I quickly got up and ran off to talk to her and ask what was going on and she just said, "I just wanna go home, just go back with your friends and have FUN I want to go home!" I got in the car with her and demanded we talk about what was going on and she said that it always seems like a hassle for me to come down and meet her somewhere and anything she wants me to do is me having to go all out of my way to do (which isn't true! I do stuff for her all the time and we go out and have fun... I hope!) and she said, "All you want to do is just sit on your lazy _ss all night and do nothing, so get the hell out of the car and let me go home!" I knew she had her shutoff switch activated so nothing i could say would change her mind, so I couldn't do anymore and just got out of the car and her demanded request and she drove off and went home. I went back in the restaurant and got teary because I was wondering what I did wrong. I seem to be confused or missing out on the full info. I was later told by my W's best friend that she really wanted me to come out and spend some time with her. It sure didn't come off like that. Things would ave been different if she said, "Please come down here. I'd like to spend some time with you here and it would be fun." That is not what she said to me at all. Sounded like in the very beginning this was no big deal and that she woukd just be back later in the evening. I even told her not to rush and have fun with her friend!
I just don't know what I did. I feel so crappy though, but ipon talking to everyone at the table at the reataurant and after feeling distrot over everything they said there's some communication problems that she's having with me and that I'm not kept in the loop about stuff. My W's best friend even sympatized with me as she didn't know I wasn't told anything. She thought over a week ago I was meeting up later with her and my wife at the plave they were at. No one told me. I like to know what's going on personally and don't appreciate things being kept from me until the last second, only I don't seem to be given a choice, just that I HAVE TO, and I shouldn't if I don't want to.
I don't know what to say. Ultimately I have to talk to my W and make her believe me and talk and she needs to be more in the open with things as she is with her best friend.
Anyone been in this sort of thing?
In addition to previous things said, I'm not a drinker. I don't like to go to social events that involve drinking. I never did enjoy it. I like to hang out with people and have laughs or go do things that are fun aside from needing to drink. She rarely ever did anything drinking related, but seems to more of a thing to do now than ever and it really concerns me. She's not an alcoholic, believe me, but she needs to be control herself as well as respect my feelings when I respect hers and don't pry any further if she honestly says no.
I need to really figure this out. Sorry for the length of this message. Hope someone could shed some light here.
Thanks so much. This board has been very helpful.
Spirit of Ben
