Hello All…

It’s been 6 months since my H’s affair started. She works with him, but in different city. He traveled to see her. They went places like Florida couple of times together. She came over to Canada to visit couple of times. The gifts were endless. He bought her flowers every week, lingerie etc. He even spent valentines with her, left me home with the baby. We are married for only 3 years and our marriage went bad in such a short time.
Now he said he ended with her, saying that it does not make sense as they could not be together. He said that he has not seen her since March, but I know he flew to see her in April. He also bought her flowers at the beginning of April. They used to talk several times a day. I know that during the Easter weekend he has not talk to her at all. I feel that he is in deep depression thinks about her all the time. He is going through withdrawal, and is very depressed. He started to talk to me, but our conversations are very limited. I want him to tell me where we went wrong and if I am the person he want to spend the rest of his life with. He tells me he made a mistake and that he never really loved her. That he felt that our life was boring and he wanted a different life- he liked sort of single life style. He was partying a lot, not coming home until late last night. Did not feel responsible for anything at all. Did not help me around the house or with the baby. I wanted him so badly, he was living at home all this time, we even slept in the same bed at all time, but I felt that he was not present. Now he promises me that he is going to make up for what he’s done. He said that he loves me and that he would never leave me. But when I told him that he hurt me deeply he said if you can’t forgive me then tell me now, it’s like saying either forgive me now, or I am going back to her. We are going on vacation in 4 weeks (his idea). He tells me he loves me but I don’t feel it. This word does not have a meaning to me when he says it. Will it always be this way. Will I ever believe him again. Can he be trusted? I have mixed feelings now. It seems that we are on our way to recovery, and I know it will be tough, but I feel that he came back to me only because it is the right thing to do (he said that himself) not because he loves me. How can we be happy knowing that he did this, that he does not love me. I mean he says he does, but I do not feel his love. Will this change?
He wants to make love to me every night. It seems to me that he misses her. I am not sure if he thinks about her during sex? I am not saying anything, but I would like him to talk to me. He came back to my life, and doesn’t even want to talk about the whole situation.
He is going to a job interview at her work place. Applied long time ago, says will not move there, but still is flying for that job interview. Probably wants to see her. He’s got her house key, I asked him to get rid off it. He said he’ll return it to her. Then said he will see her. I think he will see her and I am afraid they are going to sleep together again.
How can I get my H to talk to me? I want to be happy again, but I can not do it without him talking to me why he did this to me. Should I wait, until the withdrawal is over. He claims that he still want to be in contact with the girl, wants to talk to her couple of times a week, I said no way, but he insists they are friends and he needs to talk to her. How can I work on our marriage if he want to be in contact with OW.
Sorry for my thought being all over, but I am at work and was typing this very fast. Any thought, suggestions, support appreciated

First let me say that i am sorry that you are going through this. Secondly, there is no way you can work on your marriage as long as he is still in contact with OW. Calling her, seeing her, emailing her, NOTHING! If it is over why would he be interviewing at HER PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT. That is a big flag that he is in a real fog! If he were really trying to work on his marriage he should not be flying to an interview. If he is really working on his marriage then NC is a must.

I won't go as far as say that contact = failed marriage, but No Contact should be one of your requirements for working on recovery. Until NC is in place, it's debatable if real recovery is even started. The only time it shouldn't is when the consequences (e.g. no income) of NC would present a greater burden to the recovery than the contact.

My suggestion is to work out what you need to work on the recovery. What are your minimum requirements? You should probably work with a pro on this. Some suggestions: cancel the job interview; no "friends" crap / NC; marriage counseling. There's more, but it will probably be hard to get it all up front. For example, a "No Contact Letter" may not be worth the cost to get it right now. You may want to start off with just enough to get through recovery.

See if he'll verbally agree if a recovered marriage is his desire. Then ask him what his plan for recovery is. Also, develop your understanding on why these requirements are needed for you and be able to explain them to your H in the best way. This part will be tough because of the fog-filter clouding your H's reasoning.

The sex thing is up to you. If you do, it will probably help your H get over OW and feel more for you. But it's potentially ruinous or your feelings, so it can be a tough call.

Handle the key yourself. Offer to use some verifiable service and be a good sport about sending it off. Or put that issue off until later. Letting him take care of it is a much lower third option.

Some other suggestions: Figure out what things make you feel loved. Let your husband know what they are. It may seem forced to both of you, but usually the benefits will accrue. Be specific. Start easy and work your way up. Filling out the EN questionaires is one way to go about this. Being really self-aware is helpful.

Examine your communication skills with H. Can you control your behavior that may turn him off? Are you aware of any Love Busting behavior on your part? Go figure, but there's a Love Busting questionaire you can fill out for this.

Start talking about less arduous stuff. Sometimes talking about past relationships before you met is a useful way to practice relationship talk which can lead to talk about the A. But the important thing is to make it safe for H to talk about his feelings.

H may be back only because it is the right thing. Whatever. As long as he is back and able to work on recovery. A good recovery will develop other reasons to stay. Already your H is talking about other reasons he is staying. If things don't change 3, 6, 12 months down the road about why he is staying, then I'd worry.

Boy, each one of these areas could be a whole thread in itself, so take each one as a starting point for discussion with others or a professional. And it's hardly exhaustive, so look for tons of other ideas.

But the important to understand and come to beleive is that it is possible to recover trust and feelings of love. But it takes work on both parts. It may or may not work, but at the end, you'll know that you tried to be the best wife and mother and can be a role model for your kids.

Good luck.

ugggh THISIS

So good to hear from you...

There are huge huge red flags all over your post...and I tell you this as a warning...and as a way to empower you....

But when I told him that he hurt me deeply he said if you can’t forgive me then tell me now, it’s like saying either forgive me now, or I am going back to her.

You must learn very quickly to dance around his insane comments and learn to turn things back on him...
his responsiblity...
not yours....
you better learn to babble back as well..

recovery built on a false foundation is never good.

I hope you re-visit this statement...with him...and set very clear limits and boundaries...

tell you husband, dear...the issue is not whether I can forgive you or not...I am certainly capable of forgiveness...the issue is whether you are going to do ALL the work necessary to earn my forgiveness....

tell him that if his plan is that you just accept all his behviors and shove the whole affair under the rug..that you have decided to save yourself from more pain than his actions have already caused and he can pack his bags...now...

I am telling you...accept a recovery that does not deal with and address these issues and you are dooming yourself...

look how many people come here years after infidelity and their lives are still in pain...and while i am no champion of beating a dead horse...ignoring issues and just acting like they never happened does not work...

He wants to reconcile...he better be ready to work at it..

he wants you...no contact....
he wants you...no job interview.
actions speak louder...set what is acceptable to you..it doesnt make you controlling...these demands are reasonable...and logical..

thisis....don't settle for the marriage pre and during active affair...(although seriously question if affair is really over.)...

shoot for the one you want and envision...

<forgive me or I'm going back to the OW>..what a line of doo-doo...what an asinine threat...
sorry but that one burns me...and if i were you it would motivate the heck out of me...to not live under a threat like that...sheesh.

ARK

Agree with ark.

Reconciling with you means no contact.

No interview for job working where ow works.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
etc. etc.

Praying for recovery for you. Please re-read arks post.

No recovery until no contact. ACTIONS speak louder than words. I agree with arks opinion of red flags. Plan A.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

oops. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

<small>[ April 22, 2003, 12:25 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>