I just need input<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

1. what about the kids<BR>2. her needing things from me<BR>3. watching the kids for her<BR>4. do I tell her wjy I'm doing this.<BR>5. what about the holidays<BR>6.<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P><p>[This message has been edited by brownphd (edited November 11, 1999).]

Hi Brownphd -<P>Why are you headed to plan b tonight?<P>You have to just step back a little - I don't think that you can emotionally handle plan b.....<P>Can you start smaller than a plan b?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Brownphd -<BR>I have followed your posts off and on. guess my one piece of advice is don't just go to talk to wife about plan B. Plan B is something you just do - for you. And as for all the details, you should think about those and put them in writing before you go to see her. Otherwise you are likely to lose your resolve and come away with a wishy-washy non plan b.<P>Specifically:<BR>1. Kids: set up a visitation schedule. She has the kids right? Suggest in your letter a schedule you can adhere to (e.g. every other weekend and one night during the week) for them to stay with you. This is preferalbe to you going there to see them.<P>2. Too bad. That is part of plan B. She needs to get everything from OM.<P>3. What is ok for you? When H and I first separated he saw kids only on his set days and at their school/sports events. I did my things during the time he was scheduled to be with them. This is part of getting her needs met elsewhere - she doesn't have a built in babysitter anymore. Just make sure you do see kids at your regularly scheduled times. They shouldn't have to suffer.<P>4. Absolutely yes! Along the lines of: I want to work on our marriage. I am committed to changing the things I need to about myself and to meeting your needs. It is too painful for me to continue to see you while you are involved with OM. When relationship is over, i want to rebuild our marriage, etc.<P>5. Sorry, this is tough... no good advice here.<P>But I hope this is a start. Most important - put it in writing and then NO CONTACT except about the kids. If you do not feel ready to do this you are not ready for Plan B.<P>Good luck,<BR>Starpony

brownphdt,<P>I really don't think you need to be in Plan B... from the last few posts that I've read of your's I think Sheba is <B>way right</B>!<P>Take a few steps back...<BR>Catch a breath or two...<BR>Say a prayer or three...<P>And when you wake up tomorrow... think with a refreshed mind.<P>Smile... <P>Jim

Well thanks for the advice. I went to see her and got cold feet. we talked a little and she said it would be better if I got the kids at my house not there.<P>I pushed way to hard . After her ordeal this past weekend I paniced. I felt more emotional about this than she did I think. I'm going to take a step back for awhile.<P>I did tell her since she was so honest about the whole thing I would be honest with her. I told her that I did see someone for a short while since our seperation. I also told her that I broke ot off cause I felt like I was doing her wrong. she said I should. what about her. her mouth opened and crap came out. The look on her face when I told her showed me it bothered her alot.<P>Anyway I am backing off for now, but will not stop being nice to her.<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

brownphd,<P>Keep the faith and back off. We just CAN'T solve this for our S. Sorry, I want to "fix" things, too and often our pushing just makes things worse.<P>I know this is hard, but try to be patient. I feel like I have been waiting such a ing, long time - its been 7 months since I found out. Only choices are to give up or wait and work on yourself. I am doing the latter. <P>Thinking of you tonight...<P>Roll Me Away

Hi Brownphd -<P>Thank God, you got cold feet!!! I have been waiting for you.....and hoping that you wouldn't do it!!!<P>Why the switch of kids arrangement? <P>Being nice to her is great...you need to do that - not only for her and the kids, but cuz you want to. Just let her make some contact initiations for a while.<P>How do you really feel right now?<P>We're here for you, you know that!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Sheba, I guess I feel alright. As far as the kids go this is her idea. I agreed, and for thanks giving she said she wants me to come there eat visit a little and leave. She also said that. she talked to her dad and pissed him off the other day. He asked her somthing about me and she said " I dont know ask your buddy" meaning me. I never had a relationship with her father now I do.<BR>P.S. the D papers I was supposed to sign are still sitting on the bar, JUST DON"T KNOW.<BR>I am going to stay back and see what happens. A good friend called me tonight. we were talking and I told him that I wanted my wife back. He said he had heard( they talk alot). I also told him I was backing off. he said sometimes that all it takes. I hope. <P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P><p>[This message has been edited by brownphd (edited November 11, 1999).]

Hi Brownphd -<P>Well you sound better than the last few days...Good!!<P>Your friend is reaffirming that she is feeling a little pressured...so, OK now you know that the backing off is a good idea. Take this time to relax your emotions a bit..... It's not easy, I know that!!<P>See how you were making yourself crazy about the darn papers and they're just sitting there!!! You don't know what will happen so don't get worked up about the what ifs!! <P>Slow and easy......keep yourself steady and you will gain strength. <P>This is good and I am so glad that you didn't say anything about Plan B!!<P>You need some rest for yourself...this will help you also. <P>Just know that if you want to start trying to move things along with Wife again too fast...talk here first, OK?<P>We are with you, you're not alone in this, believe me.<P>HUGS,STRENGTH and PRAYERS,<P>Sheba

As I back off should I quit asking them to dinner and the other stuff I was doing, and wait to see what she does.<P>things she does like she did tonight is: I called her today to see how are baby was (hes got an ear infection). She told me that our oldest son was going to the creek with her grandma. I said I guess i wont be seeing yall tonight then ( I see them every thrus.). she said I guess not. well she called and asked If I would watch the baby while she went to the store,(at her house). why does she do this. She dont want me there then askes me to come. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut while I'm there though...lol<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

brownphd -- Your W is confused about what she wants, plain and simple. There is no simple or easy answer to surviving this in tact (as a couple that is.)<P>Take care of yourself. Get the rest you need and work on yourself, then when your W does need you more you will have the strength to help her and your marriage.<P>I hope this makes sense, my mind is a bit frazzled this week.<P>God Bless

I don't really have any input or advice to give you. I just wanted you to know that you and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep trying and love your wife but don't forget to love yourself too.<BR>God Bless.<P>------------------<BR>NICOLE<P>

Brownphd,<P>If I recall correctly you were separated from your W for almost 10 months with little or no contact, is that correct? Why do you think you needed to go to plan B? It would seem to me that what your relationship needs is more involvement, not less. That doesn't mean pushing but it does mean Plan A and contact as much as you and W can manage without one or the other feeling smoothered or pushed. Do you know what I mean?<P>She seems to want you around. Your Plan A'ing is working but she needs to feel she has some control of the situation. It seems to me she feels that if she grants every request then she is admitting that what she did was wrong. I think that is why you are getting such mixed signals. Try to be her friend not her H or lover right now. You have done a very good job, with the abortion issue. Keep friendship in mind first and foremost and show love.<P>It seems from your posts you are making progress.<P>Good Luck and God Bless

Morning Brownphd -<P>Yes, stop asking her to dinner and the other stuff..<P>Don't call unless there is a legit reason....like checking on the baby was fine.....but not to "see how she is, just to say Hi or if she needs anything"!!!<P>Let her call you and fill you in if she wants....<P>Be kind and loving, but not consuming!!<P>Set up a set schedule to be with the kids....it wasn't right that she let your child go with someone else on your night to be with him. But with the way things were (nothing scheduled really!) perhaps it was no big deal.<P>But it is a big deal that you and the children have a set time with each other - not just at her convenience and if she feels like seeing you. Set this up - especially now that she wants you to take the children with you.....<P>This kind of structure could be good for things.<P>Take some time to refocus your thoughts - you need to take some stress off yourself....<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>