Hi everybody, I hope you had a great Easter break. A brief update:

As per my last thread, separation now seems inevitable. We had a (last) session on Friday ("Good Friday") with the MC (at his request). I re-iterated that I can't continue to live with her whilst she is in contact with OM, that this is the line in the sand. That we both are to blame with regard to the circumstances which led to the Affair, but that she has to take full blame & responsibility for the affair itself, and more importantly, now for not giving our marriage a chance. That having lived in continuing betrayal in excess of 12 months is simply enough for me. That, by simply living together with me, she isn't really giving our relationship a chance, but continuing to betray herself and me.

The MC then rightly concluded that he doesn&#8217;t really have a mandate anymore, and that he still thinks there is <strong> something </strong> between us, that it is a real shame to see a couple splitting up when both are being so hurt in the process. (to the contrary of some couples, where one spouse is happy to leave the relationship, we both are very hurt by the prospect). Anyhow, that's how we ended our MC sessions. I mentioned that from my point of view, I am happy to re-engage the moment I know there are only 2 in the relationship, not 3. With that there was nothing more to say, and we left, I refused to sit in her (my!) car and walked home and tried to drown my sadness in too many pubs along the road.

On Saturday then I confronted her with my findings from my chat with the solicitor, and offered her essentially all of our assets, basically capitalising child support and maintenance as well as the asset split in one clean break. I couldn&#8217;t resist a few snide remarks that OM surely will be pleased having won the big prize in the lottery, after which she broke up in tears, saying that it was never about that. I know. But seeing how OM will eventually benefit from my sweat and work, from my fathers and grandparents inheritance is just a bit too much.
I told her that the next step will be that we would have to agree between us the basics, and then I'll get my solicitor (or hers) to draft a deed of separation, and then that's that. She replied "I am not sure if I want this to happen".

On Sunday, WW suddenly had the great idea to invite two couples with their kids, both longstanding friends of ours. Now, I don&#8217;t understand&#8230;&#8230; why on earth would she do that, with me and her playing the happily married couple? She needed to invite one guy to give a reference for her citizenship application, but still, she could have just gone to him. Well, the guests came on Monday and guess what, we *indeed* had a pretty good and funny evening, laughter all around, and you know what, WW and I made a great couple (???). This morning I tried to cuddle her - no echo, pretending to sleep, switched off, as usual.

Today or tomorrow she will meet her solicitor. It's in her hands now; if she cant commit to a relationship with me only, unless a miracle happens, separation will pretty soon become reality.

Thanks for staying tuned. To be continued ....

<small>[ April 22, 2003, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

Nick,

You sound like you are in a good, strong frame of mind. I know how hard it must be to hold the line when you see (and so does she) that you can still be a great couple, get together with other friends and really enjoy eachother's company.

I have a feeling that things will start to happen for you, one way or another. You have made real decisions about what you are williing to tolerate, and they are decisions that feel right for you. They are not threats to your WW. I think you are in a position of power in your life...not power over WW, but the power to creat the life you want.

Also, you sound like you are dangerously close to losing all remaining love for WW...time to step back in order to preserve what is left.

I recognize your issues, as I am at a similar stage myself. Ready to move on with life without WS, albeit reluctantly, still receptive to spousal change, but not willing to live in limbo forever, at any price.

Good luck.

It sounds like you are right on point. A marriage relationship is about 2 not 3 people. It still sounds like she wishes to be a cakewoman by having an OM and a husband and respectibility at the same time. If she
after 12 months is still not willing to give up the OM then what you are doing is correct. You have a right to love and be in love with a wife who is not in love and seeing another man. It is totally disrespecting to you as a man, husband and your marriage. Either she believes in a marriage that is restricted to two people or not. It is time for her to grow up. It is a shame that she in the end will be rewarded for this duplicity. Stay strong and resolute for you deserve better than this and to find happiness with or without her. You were a full person before you met her and you will be a full person after. I wish you luck.

Thanks Eleanor - yes, despite all, I don&#8217;t feel too bad. But you know, it comes and goes in waves. There are times, I don&#8217;t deny it, when I am gripped by anxiety, grief, anger and sadness. What's your situation now?

Bryan - thanks for your contribution. You wrote "It is a shame that she in the end will be rewarded for this duplicity" - I disagree. In the end, what goes around, comes around, you know.

WW went to see (her) solicitor yesterday, who apparently was pretty useless. We again had a chat, she said she went for the A as our relationship was "hopeless", that she "doesn&#8217;t feel anything for me", yes indeed "doesn&#8217;t feel anything at all"; I kept re-iterating that I simply cant understand why she doesn&#8217;t give our family a chance. But you know, after 13 months I am really getting tired of reasoning, pleading, cajoling etc. But again, she doesnt want to take a decision, pleads for more time, less pressure, etc.

Interesting: She said she "was forced into the affair" as "she was emotionally alone and desperate", that "he made her feel like an independent, strong person". I asked her - and? Was it the right decision? She answered: I don&#8217;t know. So much about remorse, compassion & empathy towards me, respect for my feelings.

Will ask Solicitor to draw up the deed of separation now.

If she wants to stop it, she knows what she has to do.

<small>[ April 23, 2003, 03:58 AM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

Nick-

I don't have much in the way of advice but wanted to offer some encouragement regardless. You're doing the right thing here and will be much better off in the long run by taking these painful steps now. With your case, I'm still not convinced that your W truly wants to D, sounds like it's more of a case where she's indecisive because of the fog. I'd be interested to see how she reacts to a physical separation of your family, the changes might be dramatic.

And I'm sure you know this, but if things don't work out there are still lots of good people out there. In my case, it's been like something out of that movie "The Matrix". I can see so many things more clearly now and I'm thankful for that. The burden of my D will always be there for me to carry and ponder but there are other blessings to offset it. Hang in there, you're doing well.

Nick

Like Litchfield, I don't have much to say but wanted to add my support.

I truly understand the wave of emotions that you talk about - I still sometimes feel overwhelmed with sadness, fear and anxiety at times when I think I am doing well.

I admire you Nick I really do. You sound in so many ways so even and dispasionate - me I'm all upset and anger. I think that whilst I understand what Bryan was saying, you are right, what comes around goes around. I only hope that my remorse and desire to make amends will be taken into account when it's my time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Keep you chin up, keep on running, keep on having a few beers!

Thinking of you and wishing you well from a remarkable warm and sunny London.

Lisa

Nick,

I'm sorry it has reached this point for you as well. Sad and painful, I know.

But in the end, we have to make tough choices, and when the WS doesn't seem to want to participate, that is all we can do. Too often we've put it off longer than "reasonableness" would require...hope springs eternal.

Best wishes; stay focused.

Hi Nick.
Just back from sunny Mexico, sorry to see that the rollercoaster keeps rolling down not up.
You seem to be handling it really well, you sound focused and clear.

I don't really understand why you have to give your W all your assets- is that something your solicitor advised?

Can't believe it's come to this. Your W sounds so confused and even self destructive.

Stay strong.

Thanks everybody for your thoughts & encouragement.

Litchfield, you wrote "I'm still not convinced that your W truly wants to D, sounds like it's more of a case where she's indecisive because of the fog".
Yes, I agree, and you know what - it's exactly this which psyches me out. I mean, can't she see that the what she is doing, how and why can she just throw away everything, thank you very much and have a nice day? Yes, "The Matrix" - time to get unplugged!

Lisa - you wrote, "What comes around goes around. I only hope that my remorse and desire to make amends will be taken into account when it's my time". The fact that you think about it, learnt your lesson, are ready - to this date - to make amends, shows that you will be much better prepared for the next (or this!) relationship. If only my WW would have the same insight.

Spacecase - yep, it takes two. And as long as WW boycotts the relationship, denies me any emotional support, evades closeness and ignores me as much as possible, there's not much indeed which I can do.

Espoir - thanks for checking in. How was Mexico? Solicitor explained that there's a split of assets and a split of income. The first is done on a needs basis - ie, WW will need a place on her own to live - which means an apartment in central London in ca$h, as her borrowing capacity is very small, mine large. The income is split basically into maintenance for her, child support, and what remains for me. I decide to do a 'clean break' ie, to capitalise maintenance & child support. Voluntarily, I'm adding school fees for private schools. Add it all up, and you get pretty much all of our assets.

You also wrote - <strong> Can't believe it's come to this. Your W sounds so confused and even self destructive. </strong>

Yep.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nick123:
[QBToday or tomorrow she will meet her solicitor. It's in her hands now; if she cant commit to a relationship with me only, unless a miracle happens, separation will pretty soon become reality.

Thanks for staying tuned. To be continued ....[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does she take the blue pill or the red pill ?, any update ?

-rh-

Nick-

When you separate you're going to do the plan B letter right? I really think it could be a powerful message considering how well you've done, relatively speaking, with Plan A. You're still holding a few cards, good luck with it...

Hmmm. Can't she move to an area that is cheaper than central London? Can't she move to an area that has decent schools where you wouldn't have to pay for private schools? It might add a little commute time but if you end up doing a weekend visitation thing it should not interfere too much.

Does your wife have to go back to work and contribute to expenses or can she just continue to not work?

Why not go for custody? Yes I know W might not like it- but you could give her liberal visitation.

Just be careful- I know it's "only money" but you may need that money someday if you remarry or have another child. Make sure you will have enough to live on. I think you absolutely should take care of your daughter financially. But don't see why your W should profit hugely.

Hi Nick,
I agree with Espoir, I am sure that she can't force you to provide accomodation in a specified place, just to equal standard.And even then whatyou can afford.

It is crazy that she walks away with a profit.

File for custody.She may have to negotiate then.

D.