I just registered this morning. I have visited the site and the forum a few times, today I decided to register and hope that somewhere, somehow, someone can hopefully help get me through this.

I could also, possibly be on the wrong board and if so... then someone please direct me to the forum I need to be in.

You see, I am the wayward spouse. I had a longterm affair, that ended four years ago, when my husband confronted me about another indescretion. My husband asked me to go to counseling at that time, and I went to a few sessions, but because I had not been honest with my husband about the long-term affair, only the recent one, I lied to him and the counselor. After going a few times, I knew it was pointless for me to go to counseling as I had to lie to the counselor.

The long-term affair was my second secret life, and I was holding onto that life with all my heart, not willing to let it go. And not willing to confess to my husband that his suspicions were well founded.

My husband continued in counseling, trying everything he could to put our marriage back together, despite my animosity and angry outbursts. He lived through a torment that I put him through with more love and mercy than I could ever have in a lifetime. And his love and tenacity finally paid off.

Slowly I came to realize that I had a good and loving husband. I was still a demanding, selfish, person, but I knew what I had was good. I finally came to have enough faith and trust in him and myself that I told him the truth about the long-term affair.

That was 6 months ago. It was difficult at first, he had alot of questions that I had to answer truthfully, which I did even though it was very painful for me. We still never sought counseling, even at this time. A mistake that I realize I am paying for dearly now.

We celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in December and had a wonderful time. But, sometime in January, something clicked within him, the pain of all those years, and now the knowing that his fears and suspicions were founded, along with my treatment of him during that time and after became more than he could bear.

He left me in March.

And now I am left much like he was. Alone, in pain, trying to put pieces together that don't want to fit anymore. He says he's tried for too long without any change from me. And being with me just brings all the pain and resentment forward, and he can't live like that any longer.

He can't live with me because of what I've done. Who I am. The things that I did to him.

There is so, much more. But for now I am just reaching out for some help, comfort, words of advice.

I bought the book "Surviving an Affair", in fact I bought two, one for him and one for me so that we can both read it. Unfortunately, I think it's too late. The damage has been done and I don't see anyway to repair it. There's too much.

Help me.... please......

I feel for you, because my H left me for OW. It was the biggest mistake that I ever made. But you will learn from it. I am not too good at givng advice right now. It's still too early maybe he will be back.

I admire your courage for telling finally all to your husband, to making the right decision and to posting here. Well done.
I think, as you describe it, you are now in the opposite role compared to before. That means, I would try to do all these things your husband did when he was trying to make you realise what a good person he really is.

Good luck,
N

I am sorry for your pain. It is clear that you saw the light and you felt strongly about being honest and truthful about the affair with your husband. Hindsight is of course 20/20 and we all wish we had it. I would think 25 years is a long history to walk away from but your husband is full of anger and hurt. I do not have any great answers but maybe a few suggestions: First, how about writing a letter a day expressing your feelings, understanding and love for your husband.
How about sending audio tapes so he can hear your voice. Believe in your love toward your husband and maybe in time he will feel it in your letters and tapes. How about going to a park if you can get him to go and talk and really open up and express yourself and your remorse. Show him that you really have changed. Go one step at a time.
I wish you luck.

Morticia,

Read up here on plan A...

the good news is that people can and do change all the time...and it through our own actions that we show who we are and what we believe in...

the challenge is from you to change from that person that was at one time capable of causing such pain ...and to show your husband through these small consistant changes that you are no longer "that person" that could do such things...

that you get it totally how our actions can hurt...

the challenge is to accept what you have done...acknowledge that pain...and move far away from it...
any garuntees he will come along with you?...
not a one...
BUT that does not mean that you give up on the goal...
because if you do the work....and try your hardest to atone and change...then in the end you win either way...

He can't live with me because of what I've done. Who I am. The things that I did to him

You can't change what you have done...but you can from being the type of person who would do what you have done...

who you were does not mean who you are...none of us stay the same...some get better...some get worse...it takes a lot of growing...

Avoid pit falls that in my opinion make things worse...
I can not tolerate an affair being called or belittled in the term " a mistake"...mistakes are forgetting to pay a bill on time...or not packing a lunch...affairs are way bigger than mistakes....

also you must forgive yourself to move on...and forgiving yourself is exploring the feelings and thoughts you had during your affair..while also looking at the rationalizations, lies, and defense mechanisms that you put in place to do what you did....see the reality of your actions...not the way you justified your actions...

try to drop some relationship talk...and try to just spend some time toghether...fun happy good times...see if you two can just be for a while...get him thinking about just being with you...no pressure, no heavy emotions..just being..

much grace to you
ARK

I'll just give it time. He has alot of pain, too much pain to deal with. He does not feel that you can help him in his pain because you are the cause of his pain. Just do what he did when you were having your affair. He will realize that what you did is in the past and that the two of you can make it work after all. Just give it time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He can't live with me because of what I've done. Who I am. The things that I did to him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As Ark points out, you can not change the past, but you can change who you are and what you become. I have found that Jesus Christ is the greatest change agent in the universe. The Bible says that to accept Christ as Lord makes us a new creature. That is what being "born again" means - it does not mean, as you might suspect from what you read in the papers or see on TV, suddenly becoming a proponent of some conservative political agenda. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Becoming a follower of Christ may not win you back your husband. There is nothing I can offer you that will guarantee that outcome. But, God has a few resources that we do not have. If something seems impossible to you, ask God to help you. God created marriage (see Genesis 1 and 2) and hates divorce (see Malachi 2:13-16). Who better to help you put your marriage back together?

Thank you so very much to all of you who responded. I feel as if my life is falling apart right now and to know that there are people out there that know, understand and can give sound solid advice is a wonderful feeling.

You have given me things to think on and suggestions that I will work on for myself and for the hope of one day restoring my marriage.

This past weekend he wanted to make the separation official and sign papers, but I told him before I would sign anything, I wanted to see a marriage counselor and so I made an appointment with a Christian counselor this morning. Even if none of this works out, then I will need that counseling support to get me through this. As BryanP pointed out.... 25 years is a long history to walk away from but your husband is full of anger and hurt

And to JohnH39.... my daughter had a long talk with me last night and I renewed my faith in Jesus Christ and my relationship with God, so yes, I do have that resource also.

Thank you all.

M: before you go to counseling, click on the link in my signature line and read the second section, the one about counseling. Also, read How Marriage Therapists Make or Break Marriages .

You might also want to (as Ark suggested) read up on Plan A. There is a link about Plan A and B in my signature page, too. Plan A there is described as a strategy for separating a wayward spouse from a lover, but it is also a strategy for coaxing a spouse out of withdrawal - and your husband is in withdrawal. Don't be discouraged if your change in behavior does not seem to have any effect at first few weeks or even months - that is normal. Just trust me when I say that your H WILL notice - especially if the changes you make in yourself are permanent.

Morticia:

This is just a thought that you will need to deal with if you are able to communicate with your husband. At this point he cannot but help go over in his mind all of the anniversaries and birthdays he shared with you while you were in a long term affair. He will be saying to himself that you never loved him and that the marriage was a big joke to you and you and lover must have been laughing behind his back. Remember his concept of himself as a man, lover and husband is totally destroyed. I am not saying this is true but this is probably what he thinks.
It is your task to convince him throughout all of this that down deep you never stopped loving him
as a man, lover and husband. This is absolutely paramount for any type of recovery. If he feels that you mocked him and used him only as a paycheck then there is little hope.
Ask yourself what questions you would be asking and what you would need to hear if the roles were reversed and your found out that your husband was not only involved in a short term affair but a substantial long term sexual affair during your marriage. What words would you desperately want to hear because these are the exact words you must tell your husband. I wish you luck in your possible recovery.