I have just finished reading a book about the dynamics of separation called "Uncoupling" by Diane Vaughan. It was sad to read because it was all about our marriage. I now understand so much more. I have been LB-ing since before we got married and it is a wonder that my H toughed it out for so long. I think that he decided in his heart more than a year ago (the signs were there) to go. The A was probably the result of trying out a single life, or perhaps it served to be the final blow. My H has said repeatedly that it was the final nail in the coffin.

When we married, I wasn't in love with him, and I didn't fall in love until about 3 years after the wedding. I was getting over someone else - who had killed himself after I ended the relationship. I was the person who was always trying to leave for the first 3 years, and it was my H who loved me into accepting that I was married. Then I fell in love with him, but he had tired of all of the $%^# and his love died, so he set about saving himself. He is now almost all emotionally and physically detached from the marriage.

I haven't yet discussed this with him, but I feel pretty sure that this is the root of the problem. The A is just a distraction.

How would I go about discussing this? With my past LB blunders, I am not sure how to let him what I think. Should I just save it for the right time and place, and how would I know when that was? I am beginning to see I need to let him discuss things when he is ready to.

Does anyone think that this is a saveable situation?

As for you who have looked on in shock and horror at my LB blunders, I have worked out why I do LB-ing: I have no idea how a successful marriage is supposed to look or feel. My father was always out with his friends drinking and gambling, my mother never had enough money to feed and clothe us properly and all they ever did was yell at each other.