<small>[ May 02, 2003, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: claireb. ]</small>

I too agree with you that in your case it sounds highly implausible, BUT there are many scoundrels out there that are waiting to charm their way back to their former lover and their boldness/arrogance knows no bounds. Let's face it, your FOM did persue you even after your A was revealed, didn't he?

bump

<small>[ May 02, 2003, 10:29 AM: Message edited by: claireb. ]</small>

Claire,

Claire,
I agree with your H. Not only do I think the OM would renew his interest if you were seperated or D'd, if you were to show any interest in him again, he would respond.
Michael

okay-MichaelinDallas-then I'm not losing my mind-
overlyparanoid-my gut tells me-he was fuming and
hurt(showing anger)because he was emotionally attached to me--when I pass "them"(his W riding in car with him)he looks straight ahead/ignores,
when I've seen his alone he turns right at me--it's scary but I know how this guy thinks--he's trying to "read" where I'm at--this is a miserable game--I'm going to continue to ignore it--if the passing by my business (he can see my vehicle)continues, should I cal

<small>[ May 02, 2003, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: claireb. ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">if the passing by my business (he can see my vehicle)continues, should I call his W? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">By what you've told us of Mrs Denial, I would say it would be a total waste of time. The best thing you can do is to ignore him (do let your H know though) and do not put yourself in a situation where you may find yourself alone outside, just in case he may be hiding and waiting to get you alone. This guy sounds like a nutcase, so be careful.

the thing that makes me nervous is he owns a security company and has access to anything/everything, I'm sure he's looked into my H&I's finances, business--during our A he once asked me if he should "arrange"for something to happen to my H while he is at one of our restaurants late at night he said, "you know robberies happen at these places all the time".I
love it that you called his W "Mrs.Denial"that is hilarious-just a few weeks ago a former neighbor of ours said they had a party in the summer and invited everyone (noone in neighborhood showed up)and she was telling everyone "it (the A)NEVER happened the OW just made it up-she's lying".
Believe it or not-just yesterday I was loading up stuff in the back of my vehicle-there he was sitting at the light-this is an area that he has no business or route for.What is he up to?I think he's curious,it's human nature. I've already mentioned to my H, however, I have to be delicate
yet honest-my H is tortered by memories (nightmares and all)by this man and his destruction to our family.Let me share one more little episode--during A didn't have contact with this man for about a week, after back on phone contact he told me he had been out in back of our home(on golf course)with NIGHTVISION GOGGLES he told me he wanted to see if my H&I had reconciled because my house looked to quiet he wondered how I was. Yes, sort of scary what he's capable of.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Question for Clairb,
Why are you here, really? 99% of your topics have been about OMM and HIS WIFE/HIS LIFE. Not much about your H just, "what do u think about this about OMM or what do you think about that of OMM wife"? It seems that you are as obsessed as OMM. Did I miss any post about you and your marriage or your H only? If so then I apologize for my assumptions. But these convo's are too focused on your OMM and his whereabouts/actions.

tryin2. . good point--i've sort of been venting here for a few weeks, this is the ONLY place to get it out w/o being judged but that came to a quick halt.The way I see it/really live it is 99%
of my days ARE my H(who stayed)my kids(I'm great Mom)pretty much everyone else I considered "a friend"has abandoned me because I couldn't keep the secret any longer.The 1% has been venting or
moreso processing what I did so I CAN get on with the rest of my life.Yikes!Quit yelling at me-hey,
I've been a BS as well, just haven't chose to share it yet.I guess I'm hurting in another way,
maybe I haven't forgiven myself yet for getting "sucked in" or used.It's not a fraction of the pain my H has felt, but the consequences of being on the other side stink too.People ask me
"was it worth it" hell no.

I am sorry but did I miss something? Did you write that your husband played the tape with you to his wife having the OM admit to having sex with you and you continued to have sex with this man behind your husband's back for an additonal 5 months after your husband found out?
After all of this your husband decides to stay and almost all of your posts are about the OM?
I know I must not be getting all of the story but it sounds like you do not appreciate your husband as much as you should. I think most husband would have been long gone if you continued the affair for 5 months after everything came out in the open. I just have a quick question: Why do you love your husband and why do you think your husband loves you?

Not yelling at you. My opinion, instead of trying to blame OMM for YOUR CHOICE to have an affair with him, you should try to concentrate more on what was missing in your life that you went along with it. He didn't twist your arm drag you into his bed. You went willingly, more than once, more than twice. You are shifting blame from yourself onto him, painting him as this DEMON, which I am quite sure he is just as human as you are, just made/makes bad, selfish and destructive choices. My opinion, it seems you want his family to suffer and break-up and you are concentrating on that so that you don't have to look in the mirror at your own issues. Just something to think about.

---You are sure he’s looking into your join finances and business
---Asked, jokingly or not, ‘if he should "arrange" for something to happen to your H
---Yesterday he was at the light near your house/business (I assume) where he really has no need to be
---He stalked you at your home with NIGHTVISION GOGGLES

“Yes, sort of scary what he's capable of.”

It is more than ‘sort of scary’. This man is dangerous. He’s already crossed the line into very dangerous and inappropriate behavior. My bet is that he only know the tip of the iceberg of what this guy has done. Have you shared all of this, and the other things along this line that this man has done? Your husband really deserves to know that this man could be a danger to either the both of you or to your husband.

After all you’ve said, I do think that man will be back as soon as he sees any opening, imagined or real. If he is driving around your neighborhood to check on you he is looking for that opening. Or he is look for the opportunity to hurt you (or both of you) to extract revenge for you blowing the lid on the affair.

Many of us have a tendency to play down the seriousness of this type of behavior.. We feel that ‘it’, whatever it is, will never happen to us. It needs to be taken very seriously.

Have you considered moving to another town?

In the way you talk about your OM, I get the impression that you still have some attachment and feelings of wanting him to pursue you. Every one of your posts that I have read so far you are talking about the OM. (I’ve not read all of your posts so I could be wrong here.) Just seems that you are focused on your affair and not your marriage. Could that be?

Ok so you say you are venting here to try to come to terms with all this. I see a few other things in your posts that you might want to thing about.

You seem overly focused on your affair and the OM. You’ve addressed this some but my bet is that there is more to it than your just mulling things over. There is still something ‘broke’ in you, still something not fulfilled that keeping the drama alive seems to help with. (Just a hunch)

I also see you playing the victim and blaming game.. His was was….. (add your negative words about her here). The OM has some bad traits (add your negative words about him here). Most of your friends abandoned you. You say that hey you were a BS once too. And then ‘maybe I haven't forgiven myself yet for getting "sucked in" or used’.

His wife being whoever she is had nothing to do with your choice to have an affair.

His being a schmuck, or whatever, had nothing to do with your choice to have an affair. He is who he is, you choose him. So perhaps you need to look at why you choose him to have an affair with.. the cause is usually in our own neediness taking precedence over all else.

People do tend to walk away from us when we make really bad choices. Most people will not want to have anything to do with it. Well, actually there are the other type of people who aid in the affair by keeping the secret. But usually when the affair come goes public, everyone backs off and wants nothing to do with the entire mess. It’s hard consequence to have to take. In my case I lost most of my friends and family because of my husband’s affairs. It’s not just the WS who looses in this way.

If you were a BS once, was it this same husband who cheated on you? Knowing the pain of being a BS how were you able to inflict it on the man you were supposed to love? I’m not being meant here… it’s a very important question. Were you extracting revenge? Had you gotten to the point where you just did not care and if so do you really care now? Were you trying to rebuild your own self-esteem? Finding this out is very important. My H was the BS in his two previous marriages. We spent a lot of time figuring out how he could then do something to me that he swore he could never do.. Even when he knew the devastation. The answer we found went a long way to save our marriage.

You were not “sucked in” or “used”. You used him as much as he used you. You are not a victim in all of this. Until you figure that out and own your choices/actions you are going to be stuck in this quagmire.

<small>[ April 26, 2003, 01:38 AM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>

trying2_4give

I think you are missing the point and that is that her FOM has been basically stalking her. You are getting too hung up on her A that ended almost a year ago. You do her (and yourself) an injustice if you don't research her original thread titled unbeleivable story. Of course if you are offended by her sexually charged A and just want to flame her, that is your business.

claireb.

Don't let a few people (who do not take the time to learn your story) run you off. You have shown that you love your H and that both of you are trying to rebuild your M. I wish you luck.

As far as your FOM is concerned, I repeat my message of 'watch your back'. If he is consistent in his stalking of you, get a video camera and witnesses that can back you up if you and your H decide to go to court and file a restraining order against him. This guy's mind is definetely one french fry short of a happy meal.

<small>[ April 26, 2003, 01:36 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

thanks everybody for your honesty-I've been married to the SAME man for 20yrs, have two beautiful children.YES, do I have some emotional issues, you could say that--unfortunately I allowed myself (yes now I know I wanted it to happen)or made the choice-HE never forced me,but
relentlessly pursued me over many months--Why didn't I go to my H and tell him?Those are some of
the issues my H&I are working out in MC-how did we get so distant from each other, we're working
it out, sticking together, raising our kids.oops,
I forgot where I was going with this ...next subject (and a sore one for some of you responding)that OMM is dangerous-HELLO, I've seen him "in action"through his personal life and business dealings--He divulged things to me that
are illegal--he said to me many times,"you're the only one that can hurt me".I left my job in retail
last summer because he had security guards placed in the bldg I was working in (they could see me coming&going)I left that place of employment the
following week.
My Attorney has possession of the "tapes" and other items he gave me--he has advised me that if
"drive byes"continue at the restaurant I own, to call the County Sheriff Dept who already have him
and a record of events "on file",I'm NOT afraid,
I'm going to continue to ignore him and go about my business.He won't hurt me, he's probably wanting to talk to me-nevertheless I will continue
on with my life-I won't be intimidated.
Finally and most importantly, I love my husband,
he forgot about me for about 10years, took me for granted, it's my fault as much as his.
I truly appreciate all the responses--you are all
correct--I'm glad I have my life back, I don't want to be "haunted" anymore.

oh yeah and Cofee.. .thanks for kind response-don't worry meany words can't hurt me, I'm genuinely a good person, just made some horrible mistakes.