that wives are not supportive of their husbands. I helped my H get where he is today and he has helped me. Why do these people assume that they had this big impact on someone if they were with them months, ayear, two, three, four or even ten.

Why do they believe that we are evil and don't care for our spouce?

because our husbands tell them we are!!!

mine reffered to me as a *****---i corrected them and said nope, thats diva ***** to you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I am still learning here!!!!! I guess they must say some pretty rotten stuff. I wonder what mine said...that I was fat? Well I was, but now am a size 2 thanks to the affair diet. I had to get smaller than her to prove a point. Now she's the fat one. That I was busy, well yea, he never helped with the kids, I see your point. I read a lot about the OW because I see them as the complete flip side. They get the other half of the lies. I have read some of what they believe and I am shocked! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

NJ--I am an OMW-I can only speak about my own experience.I guess if I would like to brutally
honest with you and others about this topic-
the OMM and his W portrayed the "appearance"
of a great marriage--she was more like "look at
us successful, 4 beautiful kids,big house"when
behind her back (probably to justify his activities)was complaining about her--i.e."she's
a pill-popper,alcoholic,she's like her mother-neurotic-she's like her father-alcoholic,she never cooks" and on and on.At one point I was practically defending her(while sleeping with her H)I would say-"stop bashing her, she's trying to help you at the office"he said-"nobody listens to her, they just nod their heads and want her to shut up""she lives in a fantasy world".This woman
to this day after all that came out publically is
still defending her H and their "image"when behind her back he mocks her-it's evil.She even admits she lives in a "bubble"-how sad for her,the thing is he(her H) created the whole controlling/manipulative way of life and she can't
live in reality.

I just thought about something you said NJ--during
my A (his W&I)were close friends-she lost 30lbs
from starving herself-she was envious of me and I told him I was worried about her not eating and taking their son's perscription meds (for ADD)they
curb appetite-he told me "she's trying to emulate you, she looks up to you".I'm still human, I couldn't take the guilt of this woman's suffering anymore ,I exposed the A a few weeks later.

So let me get this straight Claireb, you exposed the affair to bust HER bubble of loving a man that dogs her out behind her back, or to bust HER bubble for thinking she had a nice life? Sounds to me it is not the WIFE that has issues it's your OM/her husband.

I don't know-what I was thinking at the time-I'd
like to blame on the "fog" but I was so manipulative/deceptive during the A-why do I not feel sorry or empathy for this woman, she was always kind to me, but promoted me to leave my H
and not "settle for a lesser life"-I think her H
and I have the emotional issues--at one point some
of the layers of lies was so overwhelming I told him "I'm starting to be like you.. .and he replied
your'e just an apprentice."Is this a man that could ever be happy/fulfilled?Someone help me here.

Thanks Claire and Jazzey. I never knew my H had an EN for slimness. I had always been thin, but had gained some weight with my kids. I wish he would have told me. (She is almost 15 years younger. I'd love to see her in 15 yrs. after she had a couple of kids)

What I'm really getting at is do all MM say things about their wife? Does that lying go with the territory?

Do they all say they are going to leave? Is that part of it?

I've been trying to understand all parties. I've been the BS, I've read and learned about the OW, now I'd like to understand the WS, but few post.

Thanks trying too!! Loved your comeback!

NJ we'll never really completely understand why anybody does anything. Keep it simple, A's are
not REAL,two people are alone together they bash
they're spouses(if both M)to justify their behavior, as if they deserve this "special" time together-it's ALL based on lies-no one is perfect
they're only together a small amount of time--
no kids, no bills, job to contend, it's lala land
for awhile.I say if you have a son to raise-raise
him to be a man, respect women as a person, many
men may have learned this lousy behavior from their fathers who got away with it all their married lives. Am I rambling too much. Tell me to calm down.

I don't even know what was said about me to OW. H won't answer or says he 'doesn't remember', and OW didn't have the brain power to remember. I wish he would come clean, so I could at least try to see if there was any truth in it.

I used to hear the same BS from married men when I was single. But you know, as soon as the 'married' part came out, I was history anyway, so it didn't matter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I've never dogged my H to anyone, so I was really upset to find out he'd been doing it to me. *sigh*

Happy Weekend!

Thank you so much for your replies. I think this is part of my healing process. I need to take everything apart, look at all the pieces and try to get it back together better than before. (darn type A personality) I guess I might have a few extra pieces I just don't know what to do with..I guess as long as it works I can throw those pieces away! Thank you again!!

Let’s see:

The WS (male or female) tells the OP bad things about their spouse to gain sympathy, build a bond and justify the affair. The OP believes it because it suits their purpose, making them feel superior. Make them feel like there are winning.. Again another form of superiority. It’s all a great head-trip. That is one of the many reasons that so few affairs ever turn into ‘real’ long-term relationships.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by new jersey:
<strong>.....Why do they believe that we are evil and don't care for our spouce?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because that is how the A makes their own history in their own fantasy world.

If a person has to berate another (stretched truths to outright lies) in order to appear to look good, then they just are not. It is like putting more mud on another just to make youself look clean with a little less mud. Makes sense? Nope. But then again, it isn't meant to make sense.

Not much of what goes on in the A world makes sense. Talk to some of these recovered xWS and even xows. They are generally harder on action to be taken against the A than most BS. Why? Because they know both sides quite well.

Do WS exaggerate and lie? Yes. Do OPs do the same? Yes. Are there any innocent OPs? Maybe. Are there any innocent WS? Hm.....?

JMHO,
L.

Orchid- you always make sense to me. I forgot about the fantasy.

I've been reading so much about OW, I forgot that they believe the fantasy for the most part. They would call us crazy while the affair is ongoing, but then the truth comes out and most WSs stay in the marriage and dump the OP. I have even heard them quote that if the WS returns that in 5 years the marriage will fail unless major work is done. Most of us have done major work, but I believe the stat is that at 5 years those who stayed is their marriage were happier than those who left. I could be wrong about the stat, maybe someone here knows.

New jersey--don't even get me started! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I think this is one of the things that infuriates me the most. I have no doubt that WH made OW's believe that (a) he wasn't married to begin with; (b) that he was with someone who wasn't supportive of what HE was doing; (c) that his wife "wasn't built for this" (a recurrent theme of his to justify his refusal to take me places); and (d) that they should just hang in there because things would be different "soon." He's a really smooth talker, can be incredibly romantic (to others), comes across as extremely sensitive, and can cry at the drop of a dime to get you to believe anything.

The OW in Ohio, in particular, was encouraged to refer to me in disrespectful terms. I LB recently and let WH have it for even putting me in a position where OW could disrespect me to begin with. And, no offense to anyone who may be or have been an OW at one time or another, but the thing that really gets me is the arrogance--as if they were all that and a bag of chips. I guess it's really easy to be arrogant when YOU aren't the one, who's struggling to make ends meet with WH, keeping a clean home, dealing with in-laws, and other routine things that WH's take for granted.

I apologize for the angry outburst, but this subject really touched a nerve!

NJ,
All OW do not blindly believe their MM - nor do we spend much time discussing the W. I am a FOW to 2 MM.

My first MM (we have now been living together over a year and our making plans to marry) discussed the W rarely (I knew her through work) and i often took her side in things.

My other relationship (didn't know W personally only had 1 contact through an email she initaiated) we also rarely discussed the W.

Naturally anything either would say I would take w/ a grain of salt. I certainly would never keep company w/ a man that called his W psych b!ych or any other vile name.

Common sense dictates that husbands and wives help each other. What exactly are you basing your presumption of what OW believe or fall for on?

I can say this, in both relationships w/ the MM I spent more time w/ them on a day to day basis then did their wives. Nor, was it all sexual. Due to work, our schedules were more condusive to our spending time together.

<small>[ April 26, 2003, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: tewjtm ]</small>

“I certainly would never keep company w/ a man that called his W psych b!ych or any other vile name.”

But you will keep company with a man who will cheats on his wife, lies to her, treats her with great disrespect (an affair is by definition a great disrespect) and otherwise hurts her? Don’t you just love selective morality?

”Common sense dictates that husbands and wives help each other. What exactly are you basing your presumption of what OW believe or fall for on?”

Yes common sense does dictate that husbands and wives help each other. However at times that is not the case. In at least 50% of all marriages at least one spouse is not helping the other, but instead has at least on affair and does things to hurt the other. And we are not even mentioning here the many people who abuse and/or ignore their spouse. So we cannot always assume that husbands and wives help each other.

There have been many threads here on MB in which BS’s told of the mean/rude/disrespectful and untrue things their WS told the OP. It happened in my case too. It is common for the WS to bad mouth the BS. Just having an affair is a way to insult one’s spouse.

”I can say this, in both relationships w/ the MM I spent more time w/ them on a day to day basis then did their wives. Nor, was it all-sexual. Due to work, our schedules were more conducive to our spending time together.”

And that proves what? That they spent more time with you so that precluded them from spending more time with their wives? That by being there you made it very easy for them to not take care of issues in their marriage.. like maybe changing their schedule so that they can have more time with their wives? Or maybe that by spending time with you it made it easy for them to ignore their responsibilities to their wives and families?

You see this is exactly what this thread is about. An OP taking the high road and feeling as though somehow their having an affair is a superior position to that of the BS.

Excellent response, Zorweb!!