Next weekend it is my H's birthday. He refused my Christmas gifts, I had to take them back. He refused to spend time with me at Christmas. He ignored my birthday. In fact, he called me to yell at me for something else that day.

The first time I slept with OM was the day after my H's birthday, after a night out celebrating my H's 30th birthday.

Since I haven't heard from him since his rediculous 4:30 am visit (after he had some strange woman into his house for drinks), since he ignored both Christmas and my birthday, and since it's going to be the trigger day to end all days, would it be wrong of me to be out of town?

The only reason I am considering not going out of town is I can hear my H's voice, saying something about me being selfish again, or running away, or generally just making me feel bad for going and having some fun when he's in the dumps, wallowing in self-pity and probably a whole lot of alcohol.

Another reason I'd like to be away is I can only imagine him making numerous late night phone calls to me, to yell at me, or he'll try showing up here. It may just be best to intentionally avoid this conflict, don't you think?

Thoughts anyone?

Jen

Do you want to stay married to your H? I'm guessing that you do because you are on this board. Thus, you should probably stay in town, offer a gift, make yourself available to H, and wait to get bopped on the head, figuratively speaking. Based on what I have read about MB's recovery, there is a quite a period where each spouse in the marriage gets rebuffed despite best efforts at trying to make the marriage work.

I disagree with the previous poster. I doubt they know much of your story...I've followed it for a long time.

Jen, you know nothing is going to change until you change it. Quit the dance... You already know what his reaction will be.

I think you needed to step in to plan B quite some time ago...but if you can't/won't do that...then atleast step back from initiating anything with him.

No card, no gift, no acknowledgment...and when he show up at your door drunk, or calls in the middle of the night, DO NOT REACT...that's my opinion.

If you want to acknowledge his birthday, won't a card in the mail be good enough? You could send the card AND go away for the weekend.

I wouldn't suggest you rub his nose in what you did while away (just telling him about it, to him, will be showing off... you know, being all "high fallotin'" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ). Just go away if you have a destination in mind, and enjoy yourself!

The LAST thing you should do is stay at home WAITING for your H to ABUSE you!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You can show how you're setting YOUR boundaries by YOUR ACTIONS. Do you think hanging around for him is a good way to set them? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I didn't think so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Karen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No card, no gift, no acknowledgment...and when he show up at your door drunk, or calls in the middle of the night, DO NOT REACT...that's my opinion. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The LAST thing you should do is stay at home WAITING for your H to ABUSE you!! [Eek!] </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good, two people who know me who agree with my instincts. Thanks!

How do you send someone a "Happy" Birthday card in my situation without it being like salt in a wound for him? Then again, I wish I could still be kind, considerate and thoughtful me without contact, and mailing a card is a solution. I'll have to see if I can find a card that isn't too cheerful, but marks the day. Heck, I gave his mom and grandma birthday cards/gifts. It would be a slap in the face to ignore his. I remain undecided at this moment about mailing a card. We'll have to see!

Jen

Make one Jen.

Head into the stores and read as many as you like... nick the lines that pertain to him.

When we first got back in the swing of things properly it ws around xmas time... ugh yeah right I was going to give my husband a card that said.. happy xmas to a wonderful husband when I was still dealing with the fact he was with OW the xmas last.

So I made one one that was about us and well .. a brand new xmas together..... I know I am the BS, but you know im sure it could work the other way around.

Dino

Send a card, as others have suggested.

I haven't received any sort of card from my exhusband since we separated. Does that stop me from loving him...? No, of course not. If hubby loves you, he'll understand why a card is ALL you will do right now.

Also, if he shows up, don't react--just as someone else suggested. As I told you earlier,

"It takes two to tango."

H_P

Perhaps I will go card shopping tomorrow. You have no idea how many times I've stood there in Walmart and written down verses I've liked instead of buying cards! It's a brilliant trick. Then you buy the blank card that has a nice, simple image on it.

Indeed, it takes two to tango, and that is one dance that sure makes me dizzy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Jen

How about this! (Simple yet effective?)

Thinking of you on your birthday......

May today and the year ahead bring you many happy new memories.

Love,

Jen

Hi Jen,

Just my 2p worth.....send him a generic card(No happy Birthday anywhere), just write something like.....you want to acknowledge that you are thinking of him today, and wish him a nice day....maybe don't even say the B word at all.And be out of town!

Deluded

Well, after a SIGNIFICANT amount of time in the card shop, I bought some cards for my H, along with some mother's day cards (one for my mom, one for my MIL), my dad's b-day card, and a card for another friend's b-day! A productive trip, sort of.

I really wasn't wild about any of the blank cards, so I bought 3 and will choose between them tonight, and mail it in the AM.

I still like the idea of using the words I wrote in my previous post. To not mention that it is his b-day (when that is the reason I'm sending him the card in the first place) seems backwards to me. What am I going to do, give him a card and some gifts every year on that day and never mention why?

Any final suggestions for things to say, or recommendations for things NOT to say in the card?

Are there any other BSs out there who's FWS cheated on them on their b-day (well, the day after, but it was the night of the b-day celebrations) who may have advice? I'm just trying to do the right thing here.

Jen

Jen,
I am the BS so you may not like my advice....but here it is if you want it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
My ex-WH got me a card on my bday, which was 2 months after D-day, which made me cry because it was SOOOO generic. It said something like, out of a million people in the world whose birthday is today, you are the one getting a card from me. And then he just signed it and said something stupid like, betcha didn't think you would get a card from me....now this was like a jab in the heart. And he was seriously just trying to be nice and funny but it didn't work. And I have a bad memory now because of that. And also because his OW's birthday was Aug. 29 (mine was Oct 20) and d-day was 8/20 and on her birthday I found a gift of Bath and Body shower gel and basketball socks (she played basketball, and they played together in the park some), so I felt like he treated her better on her bday then on mine. And at the time he was trying some with me, but it hurt really really bad. It was a nightmare day- and while I am not suggesting necessarily that you ignore his bday, I would be VERY careful what you put in there. IMVHO, if I was your H, and obviously I am not, hahaha, "Thinking of you on your birthday......
May today and the year ahead bring you many happy new memories."

The whole happy new memories thing would make me want to vomit. And make me even more upset. Because it just sounds generic. Just like my ex-s parents sent me a card at Christmas, right in the middle of divorce proceedings, that said "we hope you have a merry christmas and a great new year." well golly gee, thanks so much!? Your son has decided to be with OW and they sent me that- how sweet?! No instead I saw it as avoidance of the problem, and as very insensitive.

I am totally not trying to be harsh here, just trying to help you. IMVHO, again, if you want to send a card, I would say something like "thinking of you on your birthday, hoping you can have a good day" - not TOO generic, but not too personal. Not TOO much of avoiding the problem (because you say you HOPE he CAN have a good day), and not TOO much of personal either....I hope this makes sense. I feel like I am rambling.

But I know I would have rather gotten NO card from my WH on my birthday than the one I got, and NO card from my ex-inlaws at Christmas, than the one I got.

I also think your situation is different too though because your H seems to have EA or PA or some kind of problems with women himself, and I don't want you to get hurt, which is why maybe you should just avoid- or hey, what about an e-card?

Thanks so much for your input adgirl48. I really appreciate your perspective.

I guess my original "draft" focusses too much on "happy new memories". It's like drawing attention to the painful old one associated with the day.

I'm seriously contemplating your suggestion: "thinking of you on your birthday, hoping you can have a good day," and maybe adding some sort of positive wish about the new year ahead.

Jen

Jen Brown,
I am glad you took it for what it was- advice so you don't get hurt!!!!!
QUOTE:
I guess my original "draft" focusses too much on "happy new memories". It's like drawing attention to the painful old one associated with the day.
END QUOTE
Yes, you got my rambling point exactly!!!
I don't want you to feel bad after all is said and done, when you are trying to do the right thing. I will be thinking of you, hoping that you will find the right words.
I just don't want you to feel disappointed or sad.

Jen,

One thing to remember is that most men, don't view cards as women do. The fact that he got one from you will in many ways be more important than the words. It is the action not the words. Does that sound about right for us guys? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think what you were thinking will work. I think adgirl's comments are on the mark if you were sending this to a woman, but us guys are a bit thicker when it comes to the wording. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Just a comment for your consideration.

God Bless,

JL

I agree with what a lot of other people said about the card and getting out of town. If it were me, I'd get a blank one and write something of my own in (but then, I'm a writer for a living. Go fig...)

Whatever you do choose to write on the card, let it be sensative and heartfelt.

However he responds to your sincere statements is out of your control, but at least you did your best. Please remember that if it doesn't go the way you hoped.

Good luck!

JL, you may be selling an entire gender a bit short. I know my H used to be famous for writing very loving things in cards, and I also predict he'll read and reread the card. Unbeknownst to him, I found out that all the notes and cards I've given or sent him since our separation have a happy home in his underwear drawer.....

And wiegee (interesting name!), I do realize that however he responds is out of my control. But I will be able to live with myself if I send the card. If I didn't send one, I'd always regret it.

In the fall when I was "cut off" from my H's family and his dad was very ill and in hospital, I sent him a card and flowers, and I am so very thankful that I did so. I've since found out from my MIL that the card meant a great deal to my FIL.

Well, last night my H tried to contact me for the first time. He called at something like 12:30am. Score one for Jen's boundaries, I didn't answer.

Jen

Aw gee, I am sitting here really stressing over this again. Last night I went to bed thinking I'd wake up brilliant and able to settle on the words.....

Here's my current draft:

H,

I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you on your birthday, and wishing you happiness for today and the year ahead.

Love,

Jen

Quick, someone, anyone tell me what you think.

Jen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Ok...how about leaving out happiness (because when you aren't, it seems trite)...and try something like...wishing you better years ahead... or something like that?

Really, happiness is up to him and right now he doesn't get that. I'm afraid that mentioning it might just spark him off worse...then again, I'm female so I look very very carefully at the wording!

It's written, signed and sealed. I decided to full on acknowldege how hard the day would be.

H,

I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you on yor birthday. I hope you can have a good day, and that you will find more happiness in the year to come.

With all my love,

Jen