H (age 39) started exchanging personal e-mails with a girl (just turned 19) who attends a nearby college. As far as I know, they've not spent time together. He says that he hasn't even seen in her in person. He had put an e-mail address on some website called AFF (friendfinder). He has struggled with viewing internet porn and the site apparently has photos. At any rate, she started e-mailing him via that site and then switched over to personal e-mails. He actually provided his work e-mail and enough information that she figured out where we live and all kinds of information about us. (We have four children, ages 5, 7, 13, and 16.) H and I were having problems with one another beforehand but no cheating as far as I know. (He was angry because I had hidden a credit card account and was allowing my mother to help me pay off the account. I used the card to pay for things for the kids that I didn't think he'd approve of. Not big things really, things like sports team photos, class photos, a pair of dress shoes, etc. Since I started being a stay-at-home mom, I just hated having to get permission and lectures about money. As of Oct. 2002, I came clean with him, faced the music, repented, and have not been deceitful about money in any way.) He told me that he felt somewhat entitled to his e-mail dalliance with the girl because I'd deceived him by keeping that credit card. (He makes a good living and my "debt" did not put us in a bind. The thing was that it was just wrong. I understand that I have to work to regain his trust in that area.) He has tried to meet the girl on several occasions but "fate" (God?) seems to have intervened. He was meeting with her for a sexual tryst, usually at her invitation. He states that he has not met her yet since she won't give him her cell phone number. He said she was probably just joking around. I did end up meeting her one night when she called our house. I asked to meet her and drove to do so immediately. She is a gifted athlete living far from home and not particularly loved by her jealous teammates. She's ranked nationally in the sport she plays for college. Her parents are in the middle of a very bitter divorce. She's the oldest of three children. (Her parents live in a state on the other side of the country.) She told me that while she and my H had not "done it" yet that she intended that they would at some point. She told me if it wasn't her then it would be someone else. She said that he'd told her that he was staying for the kids, etc. When I confronted him, he said that he hadn't done anything, that it wasn't really cheating. (Only because he hadn't been with her yet.) The girl's roomate was with her when I met her, and the roomate sympathized with me. She started forwarding the e-mails to me and was advising the girl to stop. The roomate said she felt the girl was doing this to break up our seemingly happy marriage, just in some way be destructive because of anger over her Dad leaving her mom for a younger woman, etc. It did seem weird to me that she seemed interested in my H. I can't imagine wanting a 39 year old man at age 18 or 19. My H is attractive but not some stud type. My H did have an interest in her saying that it would be nice to be with someone with a nice young tight body. (I'm 39 and have had four children, gained 80 pounds with my last child and I'm still overweight. H still want to have sex regularly and it is often wonderful... but I think he still wants her. She has sent him photos and he sent some to her. Hers make her look lots better than she looks in person. She writes to him about how I look like one of those pretty cheerleader types who always got their way in high school and then just got fat and happy and let herself go... She's very jock-like and I doubt my H would be attracted to that in person. If anything, I think he'd prefer a more feminine type. He has told me several times that he won't communicate with her again, but then she bombards him with erotic e-mail cards and so forth at his work e-mail address, which he says he can't block her from e-mailing. I keep forgiving him and trying to continue being loving. Then he slips, I find out. (Last time he had to work out of town, she had an erotic online conversation with him using a messaging online method, he thought couldn't be saved -- then she saved it and e-mailed me, having got my e-mail address from her roomate. Also, she herself has forwarded copies of what he's emailed her about me, negative things. He then tells that he's sorry he wrote such things and that he'd done it to keep her interested, and because she'd bait him into it with comments such as, "Don't you think your wife has let herself go?" "Don't you wish she'd lose weight?" His answers are one word such as "yes" or "no." Then she sends it to me. He kept telling me this month that he hadn't heard from her. Then yesterday, he was supposed to meet me for a parent-teacher conference for our 13-year-old son. He didn't show up (unlike him) and then I checked my voice mail and he left a cryptic message saying he had a last-minute meeting across town. When I got finished with the conference, I called his cell phone and suggested that since I had a sitter for the little one that I could meet him where he was. He nervously said okay. I got caught in traffic and before confirming where to meet, I had to hang up. Then I got another call about something I needed to get so I drove to that place and thought to call him back (he'd sounded like he didn't really want to meet me anyway). When I started to pull into the bookstore, his vehicle was there by this restaurant (next to the college). He saw me and drove over to me. I said there was no way he'd driven there so fast. He said he was there to meet the girl but she hadn't shown yet. (He blew off the teacher meeting to see the girl!) He said he thought it would be his last chance to meet her since she was flying home for the summer. He said he just wanted to see this person who'd caused so much havoc in his marriage, who might be costing him his marriage. I said fine and I left. He got home shortly saying she didn't show up. Then she called his cell phone etc., looking for him. I think she's serious about wanting to get with him. I'm not sure he knows what he wants. And even though he hasn't "technically" cheated in his opinion and yet "paid the price" of losing my trust and causing pain, he has continued to dabble. She runs with her team near our house when I'm riding back from the elementary school with my younger son. She's like a presence even though supposedly he hasn't met her. I don't know if he will go through with it or not. She'll be back in a few months for her sophmore year. What should I do? Isn't this really cheating even though it hasn't been physical? Can I get him to end it or does he just need to do it? He won't do marriage counseling, says I should go without him if I need it. Also, H keeps saying he would never divorce me or abandon the kids. Hasn't he kind of abandoned us with this behavior? Also, he continues to say he feels that my "betrayal" of hiding the credit card is equal to what he's doing. While I feel what I did was wrong, I don't see it as nearly as injurous to our marriage. Am I in self-denial on that idea? (Maybe some men can enlighten me on that.) Thank you for any suggestions.
