Been reading all these posts about in-laws and people you would consider close in your life-I am
the WS, still married, been to MC and IC for the past year-my H&I are healing, trying to restore
our M-however his family/my family are not forgiving (some are/some aren't)specifically what
can I say to my MIL of 20yrs,haven't spoke to her now in almost 2 yrs-this is not healthy and uncomfortable to say the least-I guess (from what
I'm told)she wants to talk to me and go on with a R.She (MIL)now knows her son betrayed me in the past as well but never had an ongoing R with someone outside of me.My sister, same thing, I miss her (my parents are passed on)I only have her-her&H have lived an"impeccable"life with their
3 kids-really no serious problems like what I have gone through-she's critical of me and pretends like nothing ever happened.She got somewhat involved (sort of by accident):while on vacation in Hawaii, my sis&family were staying next hotel down from the OMM&W,(OMM knew they were there from me)they walk down the beach and
(what a coincidence!)there's M's (that's me)sister-well anyway, OMM's W(who had been drinking)proceeds to spew horrible things about me-as if it were all me (her H is innocent)my sister, was
a)repulsed,that this W is drunk&neurotic
b)what the hell is going on?
c)leave "that man" alone he's a liar
Well, of course my Sister calls me from vacation-I
felt I needed to clear her up on a few facts-mainly,that OMM had not stopped calling me on the cell his whole vacation(7x's one night)none of which I answered-sent me flowers at work 3days in a row. It's been a year, my Sister still is "wounded"that I "wrecked"their vacation--I told her she was judgmental and unforgiving-haven't spoke to her in months.
Will these relationships ever be restored-my own
H who was hurt/betrayed the most has let go of the past and wants our lives to be better now-
What to do??

<small>[ May 02, 2003, 09:14 AM: Message edited by: claireb. ]</small>

Claire -

Well - I can tell you what we have decided to do in our M.

All our friends and family know about my A - they were all brought into the "loop" on that one. So they all know what went on.

My H and I are in the process (slow process) of recovery - we decided that if we have friends AND / OR family that doesn't accept both of us - then WE are not going to be around them.

For instance - H had some time set up to meet with some family - he asked them if I was invited, they said not right now (still too much hurt going on), H said that until we BOTH are welcome in their home, then we (individually) don't feel welcome.

I have now said such things to some in my family who are not accepting of my H. It seems to work okay for us. We have each other!!!! And that is truly all that matters!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

imready2try is right in the approach that either you are both included or neither of you is. If you and your husband are willing to give each other another chance, then those who care about you really do need to respect your choice and support you.

If they cannot support you as a couple then they are not good for your relationship.

One of the things we often do is to tell our friends and family details about our intimate relationships, especially when we are unhappy with our SO. Then, after unloading all the garbage on them, we expect them to just forget and move on as we have. But it is harder for them.

You are doing special things to earn back your trustworthyness and to rebuild your relationship. That is how it works.

But then we tend to just expect everyone else to forget, forgive and move on. It will not work that way. Your husband’s family will always stand by him (in most cases anyway). So even if he cheated on you, they will probably see your cheating as worse. That’s just human nature. You are going to have to do something special for your MIL for her to truly come around. Taking responsibility for your own actions and asking her forgiveness will go a long way.

My advise on handling your sister is that you tell her that you understand how upsetting the encounter was for her. Apologize for her having been drug into the whole mess. Tell her that you value your relationship with her and would really like her in your life. I’d also tell that it was “H who was hurt/betrayed the most has let go of the past and wants our lives to be better now.” That the strain in your relationship with her is hurting all sorts of innocent people and you are ready to make it better.

Your sister’s reaction to the ugly encounter with OMM and his W is not unreasonable. She ended up having to take the brunt of his wife’s anger at you. Not a very comfortable position for her to be in. Sounds like the wife may have been pretty ugly about it. OMM and his wife owe your sister and her husband a huge apology. Respect your sister’s reaction and ask her to forgive you for putting her in that position.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 07:17 PM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>