SHE SAYS THAT ITS OVER AND SHE CAN NEVER TRUST ME AGAIN. I HAD TO FOIND ALL THIS OUT THE HARD WAY. I HAVE NOT BEEN IN CONTACT WITH OW OR MASSAGE PARLOR.3 1/2 WEEKS. SHE IS VERY HURT I KNOW.SHE SAYS DONE BUT HER ACTIONS DONT ALWAYS SHOW IT.IM LOOKIN FOR A PLACE TO STAY FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHES TO LET HER HAVE SOME TIME TO GET HER HEAD STRAIGHT AND SEE IF SHE IS GOING TO MISS US OR NOT.SHE HASNT WORN HER RING SINCE LAST FRIDAY AND A BIG SEMINAR AT WORK YESTERDAY AND TODAY. SHE HAS KEPT ALL THE LETTER I VE GIVEN HER LATELY, WOULD YOU DO THIS IF OVER. I WANT IT TO WORK BUT SHE SAYS TOO LATE, SO WHEN WE TALKED MON NIGHT I SAID WELL IF THAT WHAT "YOU" WANT THEN LETS TELL OUR DAUGHTER (5 YRS OLD)AND PUT THE HOUSE UP FOR SALE. THIS UPSET HER. ARE THESE SIGNS SHE DOESNT WANT TO OR SHE IS STILL GETTING USE TO THE IDEA OF DISSOLVING? I WANT IT TO WORK!!!

How long since she discovered the affair?

You have to understand she is riding a roller coaster of emotions.

If you want to work then the one thing you must truly be willing to do is tough it out.

You can't expect your spouse to be rational at this point in time what she is facing is devastating.

You can reassure by showing your willingness to hang in there.

Try this. Tell you know there is still some love left.....and as long as there is an ounce of love in her you will keep fighting for her forgiveness and your marriage.

DON'T DON'T throw telling your child about this out there unless you have flat given up. You and your wife are adults and can understand and "take back" foolish/hatefull statements but a 5 year old is not equipped emotionally to see that mommy and daddy didn't mean what they said should you reconcile.

ITS BEEN 3 WEEKS. I WILL TRY YOUR IDEAS. BEEN TRYING TO SHOW HER AND I KNOW SHES ON A ROLLERCOASTER. THE WAY SHE WAS THE OTHER NIGHT WAS THAT SHE WAS WAITING THE TIME OUT, THEN SIGN IT AND BEE ON HER WAY SO I WAS LIKE JUST LEAVE AND WE'LL SIGN STUFF WHEN ITS TIME-THERES NO USE GOING THROUGH THE TURMOIL IF YOUR DONE AND YOU HAVE NOT 1 OUNCH OF HOPE. THATS WHAT PUSHED HER,PLUS SHES ALREADY CONTACTED A LAWYER AND HES SUPPOSE TO BE WRINTING UP A SEPERATION AGREEMENT. NOW WHAT?

Remorseful

What is your plan to work on your M? You need a plan and to stick to it. Have you given her any info from this site to read yet, have you got a copy of Surviving an Affair. I am a great believer in doing practical things when emotions are running high. What are you doing practically to try and help her through her grief? What are you doing practically to try and show her how remorseful you are and what you are prepared to do to work on the M?

SD is right - there is absolutely no point in trying to use threatening tactics to get her to come round - she is completely irrational at the moment and nothing in her world makes sense any more.

Come on, you know you can do better!!!

Take care of yourself, and keep posting.

Lisa

I VE MADE SURE I BEEN THERE WHEN SHE ASKS.IVE DONE THINGS AROUND THE HOUSE TO HELP HER. LAST NIGHT SHE WAS OUT OF TOWN. SO WHEN I PUT OUR DAUGHTER TO BED I CLEANED THE HOUSE FOR HER -WHEW-VACUMNED, DUSTED, SCRUBBED BATHROOMS - KITCHEN,DISHES CLOTHES DRY MOPPED DININGROOM.ILL TAKE WHAT EVER OTHER IDEAS YOU WANNA GIVE UP. RH

SHE SAYS SHE DOESNT WANT ANYTHING FROM ME (FLOWERS,CARDS,TRINKETS,JEWELERY). OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSERY IS SUNDAY. 8YRS MARRIED 10 YRS TOGETHER. I WAS THINKIN OF GETTING 8 DOZEN ROSES? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

RH,
As a BS, I don't like the hovering H. From what you describe, your W needs space. 3 weeks is not a long time. Dday for me was 4 months ago. Just found out NC has begun for real. She needs to believe NC, then believe you are sincere. That will take time.

For your anniversary, how about a card? That's what works for me, but if she's into more expensive things, the flowers would be nice. You don't want it to appear that you're buying her affection, so start small. Maybe go to dinner.

The roller coaster will continue for awhile, but it will get better. You seem to be doing the right things. Just try to stay focused, try not to get frustrated.

Misty

Remorseful in my opinion, it sounds like you haven't changed one bit, the only thing that has changed is that you are SCARED. You take the easy way out by cheating on your wife instead of dealing with what the issues were that made you go outside of your marriage. Now you are taking the easy way out by saying "OH, IT"S BEEN 3 WHOLE WEEKS AND SHE IS STILL ANGRY"! WHAT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Have you ever been cheated on? Do you know what type of emotional pain that is? You don't see it as being SO BAD but you gave away something special that only your wife BELIEVED that she was special enough to have. You chose your wife because she was special to you, now someone else was given the same thing as her, that is HEART CRUSHING, MIND CRUSHING and SOUL CRUSHING! It doesn't take weeks or months for her to heal from that. You have cast a permanent thorn in her heart. You say you want to work on your marriage, but by just saying "Well let's tell the kid, let's sell the house so I can move on" doesn't sound like a man that will do anything to save it. So now she has to deal with a husband who betrayed her, and who now doesn't even want to work at putting back together what he so callously threw away. You just don't get it...........

<small>[ May 01, 2003, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: trying2_4give ]</small>

Well the first good sign is that the lawyer is drawing up seperation papers as opposed to divorce papers.

I had seperation papers drawn up but never served.

It was my plan B should I find out that we couldn't make our marriage work.

If its only been 3 weeks give her time.

TRYING 2 4GIVE YOUR ABSOULUTELY RIGHT I AM SCARED 2DEATH.YOUR HONESTY HURT BUT HELPED.I KNOW ITS ONLY BEEN 3WEEKS,AND YES I WAS ANGRY WHEN I SAID THOSE THINGS I LASHED OUT WHEN I WAS LASHED UPOMN AND I KNOW I NEED TO TAKE IT , CAUSE THERE WILL BE LOTS MORE FOR HER TO WORK OFF HER CHEST.I KNOW I SCREWD UP.

Remorseful

It is positive that you are being accountable, but as Misty says, it is not necessarily about doing the things you think she will like.

H once said to me "I tried and tried, I cleaned the house from top to bottom". I thought "If that's your idea of trying, it's not mine". Cleaning isn't necessarily what she WANTS, although you think it may help to show her you care.

I think the idea of a card for your anniversary is nice. If she is not into wanting "things", then maybe a small gift, rather than 8 roses, how about just a pretty bunch of flowers.

3 weeks post d-day is very very early. My H was still living away then, and he would telephone me in the middle of the night to hurl abuse at me and tell me how I had failed him. This is what he felt, and that is fine. He was hurt beyond belief.

Now, I will steal a phrase from a well know poster here, Just Learning (JL). If he said it once to me, he said it 100s of times. He used to joke that if he didn't say it to me, I might think he was an imposter <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> What did he say.

"Time and patience Lisa, time and patience"

You would do well to remember these words.

Take care.

Lisa

Lisa in London hit it dead on. You are doing all the things that YOU BELIEVE she would like to try to prove your love for her. But you know what they say "MEN ARE FROM MARS WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS".
Have you done the QUESTIONNAIRE YET? Have you sat her down and said this is what I have taken from you and this is how I plan on giving it back to you? How do you show her that this will be a lasting change in you and not some ploy to get her back and then slip right back into your old ways? How will she fall in love with you again? (it won't be by taking the easy road and saying "Well I gave you a card"...I mean really...a card?...A piece of paper that has someone elses thoughts/words on it and all you did was pick it up in any drugstore and shell out $4.99 for)...she can get a card from anyone, including people she doesn't really like but they send one anyway!
Time to relax, sit down and really think about your next step...take off those BOZO THE CLOWN shoes so that you can stop tripping all over yourself! Stop being afraid to really look at YOU because you hate yourself for what you have done to your family. Stop making excuses and GET REAL. It's time!

I KNOW ITS NOT THE CLEANNING -GIVE A SMALL AMOUNT OF CREDIT. I DID THAT TO HELP TAKE SOME PRESSURE OFF. I MEAN FULL TIME JOB 5 YR OLD HOUSE, NOT TO MENTION JUST OTHER THINGS GOING ON IN LIFE. I DONT EXPECT THAT CARDS FLOWERS AND MONETARY T5HINGS TO GET ME OUTOF DOGHOUSE AND MAKE THINGS BETTER.WE HAVE TAKEN FIRST STEP AS FAR GETTING PSYCH INVOLVED 1 FOR HER AND 1 FOR ME THEN ITS A COUNSELOR AFTER THAT SESSION.IM LOOKIN FOR A PLACE TO SET UP RESIDENCE SO SHE DOESNT HAVE TO, TO GIVE HER TIME.IM KEEPING A LOG OF EVERYTIME I LEAVE WORK AND WHERE I GO.THOUGHT OF A JOURNAL JUST FOR FEELINGS OR THOUGHTS. AT THIS POINT IM NOT SURE HOW IM GOING TO BE ABLE TO PROVE /SHOW HER I CAN DO THIS.

Dear Rem,

Wow! you've taken a couple of strong blows to the chin on this board. I'd like to say welcome. Please read this site thoroughly--not just the message board part of it but all the materials that the Harleys have provided.

Next, could you go to your wife and offer to show her all phone bills from now on, offer up your email passwords, make phone calls to ensure that she knows where you are at all times. Rebuilding trust is a huge deal. The Harleys say that if there are no secrets in your marriage, there is no reason to be seeking to keep things from your spouse. They say that trust in a marriage is overrated given (their opinion) that every single person in the world is vulnerable to an affair. Theybelieve that true intimacy is living your life completely open to your spouse. Maybe if your wife sees your willingness to surrender that privacy, that you consider her peace of mind more important than your privacy, she might feel safer.

Welcome. Now get to work rebuilding your marriage.

MJ

RMH,

Time. U need to show her your true stance with time. Just like the WS claims to need time, the BS do also. That is where you are at right now so allow that time to sink in. In the interim, be a good H and father.

L.

we had a very good talk last night. no fighting. she is going to stay at her gf's for a while and im going to take care of out daughter for the most part to give her some time.yes im doing a lot of reading and working on my letter to her with what i am going to work on and hopw im going to show her. we are taking it day by day with no promises or expectations(?) from either of us.i think she wants to make it work but is very afraid of getting hurt again. she doesnt want to see me because it hurts and because she wants us to be together. i have counseling to start next week-dang insurance.what a pain the hoops you must go through for ins to pay for some of it.i hope were on the right track.she said thanks for helpin her witrh the house the other day. nows she startin to get sick.i wish she was going to be at the house so i could try and help her feel better-maybe i should drop off a get well kit.

Patience my friend. That will be your friend. Thanks for taking off the caps lock <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WE TALKED AGAIN THURS NIGHT-WENT GOOD. WELLL IT WAS OK AT FIRST, WE PUT OUR DAUGHTER TO BED AND THEN WE WENT DWN STAIRS TO TALK. WE TALKED ABOUT HER(DAUGHTERS BDAY) COMING UP AND HOW WE WERE GOING TO HANDLE IT. I STARTED TO BAWL. I STARTED FOR THE STEPS TO LEAVE AND SHE STOPPED ME. WE HUGGED AND CRIED TOGETHER. WE SAT DOWN AND TALKED A LITTLE MORE, SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING TO STAY WITH A GF .SHE SAID SHE CANT HANDLE THE HOUSE BY HERSELF. THOUGHT ID BE GLAD TO BE BACK HOME BUT I FEEL LIKE A JERK.I AM BUT.... I CAME HOME FRI NIGHT AND SHE WAS GETTING READY TO GO TO GF'S. SHE SAID SHE COULD WAIT WHILE CUT THE GRASS,SO OUR DAUGHTER WASNT BY HERSELF.WE PASSED IN KITCHEN,I STROKED HER BACK,SHE LOOKED AT ME AND WE HUGGED. MAN IT FELT GREAT!!!!!!SHE LEFT BUT NOT BEFORE I TOLD HER I LOVED HER.SHE SAID THURS NITE 1 OF THE REASONS SHE COULDNT BE AROUND ME RIGHT NOW IS THAT SHE KEEPS LOSING FOCUS.UMM SCARY... OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND.... I THINK HER FEELINGS ARE STILL STONG FOR ME AND SHE DOESNT LIKE IT....ANY THOUGHTS
YES I SHOWED HER THE WEB SITE-DOESNT SEEM INTERESTED AT THIS POINT. SHE GOES MON AND I GOES TUES TO START COUNSELING. CROSS MY FINGERS. YES I HAVE STARTED A DAILY LOG SHOWS WHERE IVE BEEN AND WHAT TIME.STILL IN THE PROCESS OF WRITING A LETTER. IVE WROTE 2 PAGES OF NOTES THAT I WANT TO INCORPORATE INTO THE LETTER. TOMORROW IS ANNIVERSERY -SHE MADE IT REAL CLEAR STAY AWAY FROM HER.MIGHT SEE IF SHE WANTS TO DO DINNER TONIGHT W/DAUGHTER.DOUBT IT THOUGH.SHE ASKED IF IVE HAD URGES TO CALL OLD FLAME OR GO TO MASSAGE PARLOR. I SAID NO .. MARRIAGE WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME.I DONT THINK SHE LIKED THE ANSWER....

Hi Rem,

Sure she is scared, you devastated her whole world. She is afraid it will happen again.

As far as you thinking she did not like your response to </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SHE ASKED IF IVE HAD URGES TO CALL OLD FLAME OR GO TO MASSAGE PARLOR. I SAID NO .. MARRIAGE WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME.I DONT THINK SHE LIKED THE ANSWER.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her gaurd is up, she is afraid to trust anything you say.

She may not be interested right now, but maybe later. You really don't know.

Have you read any of the links on this website, or any of the books written by Dr. Harley. Surviving an Affair (SAA) is a very good book. It helped me keep my sanity in the early days of my discovery.