<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> My h wants to leave - he has all along but let me think we had a chance. Had an e/a with a co-worker - they still work together and now ow/and her h are seperated. They talked about their feelings twice - last time in Nov. she ended it lst time him the 2nd time but he says he loves her and wants to be with her.
I went away to a girlfriends - trip was good - he thought I was going to come home with a whole different attitude - I did I thought but I was exhausted and didn't say the right things so he got angry immediately and it's been down hill since then.
He wants this over - he thinks that it will be perfect with ow. All I can think is that I married him, raised his kids, struggled financially for what. So that 26 years later he can leave and give ow everything I should have. Our kids are grown - we make decent money and our lives should be good.
So do I just give up and let him walk out the door?? I know that he will end up with ow and it is tearing me apart. She is 15 years younger than he is and cute and tiny and they have so much in common(that's his excuse). We live in such a small town I know that I will run into them all the time. How do I handle this. I could move but my Mom lives here and she is 75 and I don't want to leave her. I asked him to move out of town and he won't.
I need help here - I am back to no sleep, can't eat, stomach distress. Please any suggestions!!!

Hi T,

Don't hold onto one who wants to run. He will push to make you angry to throw him out. Let him know you are onto his tactics and so he needs to 'hurry' up and move out. Of course with a price. Don't all have a price to pay? His will be to leave you all so he can give his 'all' to the OW. Remember they supposedly love each other so starting over from scratch is where they will be able to prove their real love for each other.

I had to push the WS and OW together. She sent him back and he called crying to come home. Go figure! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

If he doesn't want to stay, let him go but tell him to leave what is rightfully yours. His body is yours also but you can't hold that back. So tell him to leave his wallet and get a new identity to match that new wacko personality of his.

JMHO,
L.

Haven't posted in forever but will give you my two cents !! d-da 2/2002 -they had been in affair for 4 months . he moved out in feb. -she moved in in may .he bought a house in nov. came to me on jan. 11 and asked to come reconcile .go figure . I had pretty much moved on .started dating someone around x-mas , had a big x-mas party and stbex came by and was met at the door by a friend and he wasn't invited in- so he felt out of he loop since the 20 some cars outside were all of our friends . i think reality set in then . they say the best revenge is living well . stbex had made wedding date but kept dragging D and friends said he had no intentions of marrying her . but he had filed so what was i to think. all pointed to D. and then there he is -ready to kick her out and work on us. fast forward since Jan. 11 and the man is doing EVERYTHING right -mc,constant attention ,floweres , talking ,talking and more talking. he's owning my pain and i see his pain . so what am i saying ?? i'm saying that just as i give up totally on my marriage , poof !! it's totally reversed . so, i'm saying that anything is possible and he needs the reality of what's happened to hit him like a ton of bricks . what's that expression - "let it go and if it comes back........ . work on YOU -i did and can't believe how proud my h is of me today. take care of you and make yourself healthy and content nd trust me , he will take notice !! good luck and keep us posted . and if you see them ,KEEP YOUR HEAD HELD HIGH AND BE A CLASS ACT- as hard as itwill be , the next day you will be proud of the way you handled yourself even though that night you will be sick .DON'T LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT !!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T. T. H. O.:
<strong>
So do I just give up and let him walk out the door?? I know that he will end up with ow and it is tearing me apart. !</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES. You can't make him stay there against his will. Tell him you hate to see him go and that you love him, but you understand he has to go. Control your emotions and LET HIM GO. As long as you try to hold him in your marriage, he will be held in the fantasy relationship with the OW. The fantasy will never be burst unless all obstacles are removed. Granted, it is very painful medicine, but it is one of the solutions to the problem.

And don't leave town or don't move. Make him move out with no furniture so he can experience all the consequences of his decision.

In the meantime, I would suggest you execute the best Plan A you can so that when his affair flops, he can come back to you.

I second what everyone else has said here. Overall, don't give up please. These words are so true (melody's):

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The fantasy will never be burst unless all obstacles are removed. Granted, it is very painful medicine, but it is one of the solutions to the problem.

And don't leave town or don't move. Make him move out with no furniture so he can experience all the consequences of his decision.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In the A I was in, OM moved locally near me after we'd already had a three year or so long distance R. I'd already been separated over a year when he moved this way. As soon as he lived near me, the fantasy really started to dissolve. This will most likely happen with your H. When OM and I had to face day to day challenges, normal life--etc..and I saw how he acted and how different it was from my fantasy, it all was shattered. He was someone I truly didn't know on an everyday level.

He lived in this area just about 11 1/2 months before I had the courage to end it with him. It was HARD to end it, even though it was the right thing to do. I had to give up this fantasy, and accept that I'd ruined my marriage for THIS. It's not easy for many to do. And it took so very long knowing I had to do it, until I actually did it.

During the entire A I still felt love for my now exH, as I'm sure your H feels it for you--somewhere deep down. Do a good Plan A, and give this time to fizzle out. The more loving and kind you can be, the more he'll see you in a positive wife and this new young thang in a negative way. You can't throw away years and years of love in a snap, I don't think.

edited to add: BTW, There's been NC with OM since last July. He's moved back near his wife, and they never did divorce. I'm sure by this summer he'll be back with her, in their house. I'm 9 years younger than his wife, and they married in 1979, myself in 1981. I'm divorced now, what a waste!

Take care,
H_P

<small>[ May 02, 2003, 08:20 AM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

Re meeting the "new couple" in public:

HERE'S WHERE YOU GET TO HAVE SOME FUN! For YOU get to play Mother Courage! Most of us our flawed human beings, and most of us don't get too many opportunities to legitimately take the high road in life, so enjoy it to the hilt! Look conspicuously brave! Breeze by as if you don't see them, head held high! And you are allowed to wipe a tear or two from your eye if other people are present!

Enjoy!

<small>[ May 03, 2003, 01:33 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Thanks for the replies. I took the bull by the horns so to speak and went and talked with my Mom - not many people knew. He was upset that I did that even though I gave him numerous chances to stop me. I figured if I told someone the ball would be in motion. Before this last week I had asked him for the summer - weak I know but what I felt I had to do. He really didn't want too. But after I told my mom he decided that maybe we should do that and really try. We talked more this weekend then we have in a long time. I told him I wasn't going to ask him to stay - he could do what he wanted. He is going to stay - I don't have any great expectations about this except that I will get stronger and be able to handle his leaving better. There are things to settle and I really don't want us to end up hating each other.
On the other hand I feel so weak - I feel like I should have just made him go and deal with the consequences.
Did I do the wrong thing????

I didn't want you guys to think that I ignored your suggestions. This all happened last Thursday into Friday and I didn't get back on-line until today to see your ideas. In a way I wish I would have and maybe the outcome would have been different. But on the other hand I guess I needed to have this time to work on me. I didn't do a good plan A at all and now is the time for me to do that - but it will be for me and not for him.
Thanks again for all the help.
TTHO