How do you do all of this alone? I am interested in following all of the helpful advice that the Marriage Builders site has to offer. However, she is completely content to be the way we are. And, the way we are is this: Everything is just fine as long as we do what she wants, when she wants it. Should I suggest we do something I might enjoy, or try to find something that we can both enjoy together, she is not interested. She has an obsessive hobby – one that requires tending to once or twice a day, and every weekend. I do not participate in her hobby, because it requires quite a bit of skill, and I do not have the proper equipment to enjoy it with her (namely, a horse suitable for an amateur rider).

She will not make time for us, unless it is “convenient” and at a time when she would normally have time left over anyway, such as at the end of the day after her work and horse riding is over with. This constitutes an hour or two, during which dinner, any laundry or other chores, or the incessant calling of her friends takes up the remaining time we might possibly have “alone.”

She communicates with her friends first, about all things in her life. She has a male (married) friend she has known for about 7 years who she confides in all things. He typically calls her twice a day, but at least once every day, when I am not around. I feel left out, and excluded, and second best, and I am becoming very resentful.

This male friend, after hearing about our “troubles” suggested that she and I go to therapy together, but her response to him (and to me as she related the story of their conversation) was that if she had to go to therapy so early in our relationship, then maybe we weren’t meant to be together anyway.

I am terribly frustrated, hurt and angry about our situation. And while I know that if I allow her to exclude me, and pursue her hobby to the degree she wants to, I will have nothing left for me.

Does anyone have any suggestions how I might be able to “break through” to her, and make her see how destructive her behavior is to our relationship? She is not a good communicator, and gets angry if I try to bring up the subject.

Help!

K

Like many people, it looks like she thinks marriage is like eating, everyone can do it. Thing is, we have to learn how do everything, including eat.

Driving is pretty simple but it takes lessons and passing a test to get a license.

There is a lot to learn about marriage, and you have come to a great place to learn it. You won't be able to fix your marriage by magic, and it won't happen in a day, but there are things that can be done.

I recommend you begin in the basic concepts section near the logo at the top of the page. If you are already fimilar with these concepts, get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and read that. I also recomment you call for conseling, because I believe your marriage has a very good chance and that would maximize the odds of success. When you have read HNHN, you will have a much better understanding of love and you may begin change the way your marriage works.

Remember this is a hard road, it takes time and work. We will help all we can, but we are a support group, not professional counselers. Settle down, read, do some thinking, and come back and talk to us.

SS

Later Edit:
I see I forgot to directly address your question.
Does anyone have any suggestions how I might be able to “break through” to her, and make her see how destructive her behavior is to our relationship? She is not a good communicator, and gets angry if I try to bring up the subject.
You need to know a lot more before you can discuss this directly with her. If she is giving some of her attention to the male friend you discussed ( we call this an EA or emotional affair) then she will be defensive and refuse to ackowledge the problem, much like someone addicted to Drugs or alcohol. It sounds like this is what is happening. Rignt now, there is probably nothing you can say - but if you can learn some things, and change some of the things you do, that may change too. Do some reading and come back and see us.

<small>[ May 01, 2003, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>