Is it even healthy to?

H opened up to me last night. He had alot of beer and was very open with talking to me.

For those that don't know OM works with my H and they have to maintain a profeesional work relationship. No one knows about the A.H has said people still think they are best buds, and adds with a chuckel that he deserves an academy award for his performance.

Well last night he said that OM seems like he is 'asking' for forgivenss , or acting in ways out of guilt. He said that for the last 9 months OM has brought coffee for him everymorning. That they were playing cards and OM wanted to be on his team. A few other things that he said pointed to him "maybe' feeling guilty for his actions.

Of course H doesn't forgive him and I don't expect him to. SHort of slashing his throat( which he mentioned and acted out a few times) and killing him, I don't expect or hope him to do anything except get better. If that mean he continues to hate and dispise OM that fine. If he wants to forgive him thats up to him as well.

I guess I am just thinking out loud. I don't expect my H would ever forgive him. But would it make his healing better? Why can't OM feel badly about his actions? Unfortunately if OM ever mentioned the A, I think my H would probably loose control and who knows what would happen.

To forgive, like to love, is a choice.

I think it must be intolerable for your H to work with OM, and I have to say, my H would never entertain that at all. Having said that, I thought H would want to DV me and name OM, but he didn't, he seemed unconcerned - now I don't think he's forgiven him, I just think he feels OM is not worth his time or effort.

Look at the post by "I Did it Again" - that may help answer your Q.

Lisa

I can't tell you how much I hated Sophia. I realize now that my hatred of Sophia was a way to avoid dealing with my feelings towards my husband.

lisa, my h has no choice. He is in the Marine corps, he can't just quit his job, or move to another base. He did push for orders and got them, but with the war there was a stop move in place and who knows now when we will move.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by broken heart and arm:
<strong>I can't tell you how much I hated Sophia. I realize now that my hatred of Sophia was a way to avoid dealing with my feelings towards my husband.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Broken- WOW! I think that is sooo right. I have always had feelings of hatred for OM but never for my W. My W and I are 1 month into recovery and I don't think I could ever see OM again.

No I don't think I am man-enough to forgive OM for what he has done.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No I don't think I am man-enough to forgive OM for what he has done.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">STTSI I don't know about that. You've certainly shown you've got the gonads to do what many men fear of doing.

I forgive my H's OW. Because it helps me to heal, and because I know that I have so much more in my life right now than she does. She has lost her son except every other weekend, her H and she doesn't have many friends and she is having OC with my ex-WH who is so confused he can't see straight. SO I don't think it is my job to condemn her- she has got enough trouble I believe, than for me to add to it. But I can't imagine working with her like your H has to with OM. That would be awful.
Oh and by the way, I did name OW in my divorce papers, simply because my H started the divorce proceedings and put "irreconciliable differences" which was a lie, like everything else, so I wanted to set the record straight .....just because you forgive doesn't mean you hide the truth.

Euphoria

You are very very lucky to have your H. He sounds like a strong man, and one who was willing to forgive YOU which is the most important thing. Whether he forgives OM or not is almost irrelevant, because he is clearly coping in whatever way he can, and that is important. All you can do is support him, however he needs to be supported.

I think actually what Broken Heart says is perhaps true - it is easier to hate OP and not forgive them rather than look at your spouse, the one that you made your promises with and who broke your vows. So, as I say, Euphoria you are a lucky lady.

Lisa

yes I am very very lucky. I often tell him that. I do think he is a better person then me. He feels like he isn't because well honestly he can be an *******. LOL. Truelly he isn't a very nice person. He makes racist comments, picks on less fortunate people, has a vocabulary worse than a drunken salior, takes out his temper( its a hot one) on me and unfortuately the kids.He sees me , the calm one, the one that soothes the problems. I care about people, almost too much. I am too nice, too forgiving, and too trusting. But yet here I was the one who had the A. I do think he is a better person then me. He has stronger convictions. He talks about how he thinks about killing OM. Very graphic, yikes. But that he would never stoop to that level-he is above that. I mentioned i was worried about him,that he might be suicidal, and he said " There are 3 people here that are worth my life, You , ds and dd. I would never kill myself over OM or anyone else". I could go on and on. I am so very lucky to have him. And I love him so much. I am so sorry for what I did to him.

anyways yes I am lucky and I wish I was more like him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"yes I am lucky and I wish I was more like him."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Except of course for "racist comments, picks on less fortunate people, has a vocabulary worse than a drunken salior". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

LOL well yes, I admit though I am almost as bad as he is with the sailors mouth. His mouth runs faster then he can keep up with it sometimes, unforutately the nasty things spew out along with the incredibly funny and witty comments.

I am working on forgiveness of OW, but it's still too soon, I think. I don't want her to have any more to do with my M than she already has. I feel like I'm granting her that space the longer I give in to anger about the A.

The triggers are fading over time, but every now and then I get broadsided. I try to work through it and talk to H if I need clarification. I try not to LB over it. But it's really hard, because I am seething anytime I think about her.

H and I are working to put order where there's chaos, prioritizing, and just plain hammering out. That's family, finances, job situation and commute from h*ll. I am really proud of the ground he's covered in such a short time. Hope he thinks I am holding up my end as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I have a slightly different view of forgiveness.

1) If a person does not ask for forgiveness, then it is presumptuous to forgive them. They obviously do not think they did anything wrong.

2) Some things cannot, and perhaps should not, ever be forgiven. Nor can they be forgotten. Instead I look to ‘let go of the hate and anger’.

3) A measure I have for determining if I’ve ‘let go’ for ‘forgiven’ is to look at how my relationship with the person has changed. If after ‘forgiveness’ I can go back to having the exact same relationship and level of trust of the person as I did before.. then I have ‘forgiven’ them. If the relationship has been damaged and I feel I can no longer trust the person.. then I have simply ‘let go’.

It may be semantics but the distinction between ‘forgiving’ and ‘letting go’ is very important. I do not ‘forgive’ the OW’en. Instead I have ‘let go’ of my feelings of anger towards them… as much as I can to date at least.

IMHO, forget about ‘forgiving her’. She is not your friend and it does not make you a better person. Instead look to letting go, to finding peace. Maintaining the bad feelings will only serve to hurt you more than what she did to you. Remember that the best revenge is to live well.