Well it's been 3 days since I have not talked to H at all and seems I been forced into plan B.

H doesn't know what he wants right now although in my gut I still think he is with OW, so no much fighting on my part. He doesn't want me to fight for him he has sayed that many times and he needs that I go on...

After 2 months he has not returned and I'm wondering if I want him to return at all. My panic attack now is concerning my economical status I can survive like this for some time but in time finances will take toll and I don't want to go there.

Also right now I thought I have forgive him, but now I'm almost sure I can not live with him anymore after all that he has done to me and for sure not like before dday. So since he is not seeking any more counseling I doubt he will change at all and I don't want to return like that anymore.

Also I really don't see much future in him. A part of me is still in love of the man he used to be, but not the man he is now... and regarding family issues well we need a very expensive treatment for that (childrens). Obviously right now we are not into that and I doubt we ever will so another reason for me to go on.

It's been very hard for me to work on ME, I know I have to do it but it's been very painfull and I'm emotionally devastated right now, can pinpoint the reason why is that but I feel like this now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

((((( matilde )))))

Calm down. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Breathe.

Close your eyes and think of a babbling brook, softly bubbling by. The birds are chirping. You can hear the wind rustling the leaves on the trees. You can feel the warmth of the sun on your face.

Breathe.

How's that?

Once your heart rate has eased up some, you can think a bit more about your economical status. You may need to wait a few days to get on track... so prepare yourself that you can't just snap your fingers and feel okay.

Are you in such dire straits that you could lose your residence by the end of the month? No? Good. Can you pay your rent/mortgage for a few more months, based on your current income? Yes? Good. You say you "don't want to go there" yet in dealing with the FAR FUTURE regarding your finances... so don't. You don't have to do it right now. Try to let it go, and focus on things that you CAN do right now. (I know, I know... it's a heck of a lot easier to say it than to do it).

You're right... it can be EXTREMELY hard to work on yourself. And the reason it's so hard, is because you're out of practice. Those dreaded words (thanks to K)...

TIME
PATIENCE
CONSISTENCY

They are the key.

What do you have lined up to do for YOU today? For this weekend? (and ladies chat doesn't count as something for you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). Do something really nice for matilde this weekend.

Karen

((((Matilde))))... big cyber hugs here.

I'm sorry for your pain.

Love you girl,
Suz

Thank you very much for answering my post Topie

I'm more clamed now but I feel a deep sadnes and can not stop crying now...

Tears are just flowing u know?

I know this is also a part of the ride and although I wanted in my mind this ride to be fun, like it alrerady happened then relax an enjoy it, I guess today is not one of those days, and I hate crying alone...

Yes you are so right about focus I tend to loose it very easyly and now I know that is ANOTHER thing to work on.... Also in the work on myself I'm so lost there and yes it's been a long while I guess is because I leae that job to H and my job was to take care of him, anyhow I was never that good at taking care of myself but well I don't have a choice right? And come to think of it I'm angry at this choiceless stage I'm in right now like I was pushed into soo many things so fast that they become unbearable to me now... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thank you so much for your insight really

Thank you Suz

They are welcome....

And come to think of it... new weekend and I don't got reals plans for it... lately weekends have been very hard I feel too lonely <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />