A question. My spouse meets very few of the basic emotional needs.

BUT

He is the most charming, chivalrous man when it comes to taking care of "single" women in distress.

Bends over backwards, does any and everything he can to help them if they have a problem.

Anyone else living with this type of personality?

(PS-It is driving me absolutely insane <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Yep..... got one of those growing over here in CA. Got any OWeed killer? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

L.

Wished I did. Personally I have had my fill of it. It's disrespectful, tasteless and plain drives me up the wall.

How do you deal with it?

Yep, my WH, one week after promising me NC with OW allowed her to contact him on his mobile.

The story was bizarre. She was being chased by a man with knife and needed to phone him to see if she should call the police!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Of course he had to take the call (and all subsequent calls too) because she was in trouble. Not that he would have known that when her number appeared on his mobile screen at first. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Yep, mine spent a lot of time and money "helping" the OW with her problems...long concerned calls on his cellphone and time he should have been home with me, and I got "I don't want to talk about it" when I tried to get him to talk about our problems. He'll also drive 300 miles to fix sister's or mother's house and I can't get him walk 30 feet to put in a lightbulb!

Men...!!!!!!!

GRRRRRRR! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Absolutely! My WH is infamous for going above and beyond the call of duty for these "helpless" tramps, er, damsels. On our anniversary, one of them was actually arrested that evening, and he spent part of the time on the phone on our way to dinner trying to help one of his "damsels" find a bail bondsman to bail her butt out of jail on an outstanding warrant. And, if that wasn't bad enough, he had to check in with her worried mother to ensure that she had enough money! When we finally got to dinner, I nastily insisted that he turn that darn phone off. Guess, who came across looking selfish? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I call it the KISA syndrome.. (knight in shinning armor). Yes mine is like that too. It a lot of what led to his affairs. He met all of his OW’en on the Internet. Every last one of them has a problem.. getting a divorce or something. One of them had gotten pregnant from her boyfriend. When the boyfriend found out she was prego, he confessed he was married and dumped her along with the baby. So my husband was her emotional support through her pregnancy. They call cried on his shoulder, he said things that made them fell good and helped them through the quagmire of their divorces/legal issues. And they loved him for it… every one of them, all 10 of them, thought he was the most wonderful guy in the world. They did not know he was married and had 9 other OW’en on he line.

It was just too easy. Each of the women also told me that he was not the one who pursed them sexually. The women told me that they fell for him and then started to push him to have a more intimate relationship.. he just never turned them down.. always the gentleman I suppose.

Many men love playing the KISA… it gives them a chance to be the good guy, get tons of complements and have their egos stroked. All of this with no responsibility. What a deal.

We now have the agreement that the will not be the KISA to any woman but me.. and I of course make sure I stroke his ego very often and tell him how wonderful he is. (and he is so it’s easy to do.)

Thanks everyone,

Zorweb, I have told him point blank how I feel- does it matter NOT- he is who he is

Too old- love it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Sounds like ours could be brothers- except mine won't do anything for family- just damsels, now get this

These damsels are not the OW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> These are friends, acquaintances, renters, employees, etc. there is NOTHING (according to him) going on with these women. This is how he treats women.

Can't say it has anything to do with his upbringing except his grandmother raised him and none of these women have gray hair or wrinkles so that ones ruled out- you know, the give back what you take syndrome.

Beats me, I think if the shoe were on the other foot they might see the "reason why it bothers us"

Let's see- I have a new friend, a male, oh, bless his little heart, he is having to wear shirts too small because he continues to shrink them whilst doing his laundry. I must run over immediately!!!and take care of this poor lost soul <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Or

My goodness, my new little friend, male of course, can't cook, bless his little belly look how skinny the poor man is- why I must run over immediately and show this poor lost lamb the art of culinary wisdom.

Ya think our husbands would like this? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I doubt it- is it any different than fixing damsels light fixtures, plumbing, etc etc?

No, it all boils down to the same thing-

Personally when a man gives me the attention my husband gives them I feel "special" maybe even "wow, that man must really think something of me" cause you know how it is,

I try to make him see this from my point of view. Why would you want another woman to make you her hero? DUHHHH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thanks for the replies

As you know, my H has MANY problems. But one of those problems during our R and M is similar to what you're describing.

My H always wanted to be the "good guy". Men, women, children, neighbours, family (except his W and kids! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )... you name it, they got his attention and immediate help if they needed it.

You need a lift 500 kilometres away to pick up your car that broke down? Sure! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He's helped people move at the last minute, he's loaned out money we didn't have, those road trips always ended up costing us money, etc. Shoot! He'd drop EVERYTHING to help anyone outside of the M. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Last minute? No problem! Oh, we're just eating dinner (an anniversary meal), and had the night planned for WEEKS, but that's okay, I'll shun my W off again, for your sake. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> GRRR!!! (am I bitter? YUP!)

I swear, if he had put even 1/4 of that energy into our recovery, things may have been much different (sexual addiction aside, of course! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

It didn't matter if H was helping out women. The end result was the same. These other people were taking time away from our M. Yes, H allowed it, and look where that's gotten him! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Karen

Exactly!!!

Then if I demand the same consideration, I get anger from him cause "I make him feel as if he's not doing his part" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Get this, he's over doing more things for neighbor, making her life easier, ya know, afterall I am so damn good at running EVERYTHING I certainly need no help.

I have told him for years that I wanted some of the wood posts we've used for decoration purposes to be cut to the same level- they are uneven and in my opinion (not that it matters) they look like %%####.

He actually told me "The chain saw is in the garage" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Now if that's not being a total insensitive jerk, lord help me I need to learn the defintion of what one is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Maybe I shall have a male friend come over and show me how to run the chain saw- wouldn't that set his pants on fire.

Only problem is things always have a way of backfiring on me- it's the nature of the beast I suppose.

Yeah, mine can do miracles for others, help anyone in need, etc. etc.

Not that I don't have dishes overflowing the sink, laundry that can walk on it's own, or a list of things I need help with NOT- he's too busy taking care of other's problems.

Ya see, all the household responsibilities are mine. That's just how it is. He doesn't think twice about it. Mind you, he won't complain when I won't fix a meal, but do you think he goes in and does one? Not, he'll fix himself a sandwich. Cause we gotta take care of Number 1 doncha know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Sorry to ramble, just getting tired of the whole mess.

K9, I can certainly relate to your getting tired of the mess. I can certainly relate. My WH has put himself out on a limb with his KISA complex so many times that it wasn't funny. Then, he'll complain about how exhausted he is or how tired he is of people "using" him. Automatically, these people seem to know who to call when their cars break down and they're stranded on some lonely highway. Oh, sure he has to get out of his bed in the middle of the night where he's happily snoring away and spooning his wife, but hey--that's what friends are for! OOPS--having an intimate dinner that wifey spent considerable time preparing? No problem--she'll understand and don't you guys have a microwave anyway?

They know he will be there for them when they can't make child support payments and are about to go to jail. How they got the idea that he just has thousands of dollars just laying around to help THEM pay for the 9 children they created with 7 different women, I'll never know. H and his W struggling to make ends meet? No problem! After all, H and his W both make good money and won't even miss it!

When the new assistant WH hired just got a brand new car (conveniently two days before her job with him started) with a stick shift--which she stupidly hadn't learned to drive(!), guess who volunteered to pick her up from the subway station so she could get to work on time? Never mind that she was dating a professional football player who could have done that and she lived in the suburbs. When he complained about being tired of the situation and that he was getting exhausted, I told him he had no one but himself to blame. If this woman had gotten a job anywhere else, would THAT employer feel such a sense of responsibility that he would go of his way to pick her up? Of course, he finally got it because he got tired of leaving the house an hour earlier. Oh, and when he finally put his foot down, she miraculously found another way to get to work. And, who said the age of miracles was over!

Of course, these people know that it will be okay to bring their girlfriend's small children to work because the girlfriend is in the hospital and they couldn't find a sitter at the last minute. So, of course, WH says, okay. Never mind that they disrupt his office and drive him nuts! But, he's sooooo nice! Of course, he says he will only allow it this ONE time. After 5 times of the same thing, he finally puts his foot down.

I've lost track of the number of times our lives were interrupted by these leeches! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

This was what led to H's EA. OW's exBF hit her and she was crying on H's shoulder. Maybe if she'd gotten off the booze and dope long enough, she could take care of herself.

H has a long history of this. Found a phone number on his cell after d-day for someone named Heidi. "Oh, she was an old admin (from 4 years ago???) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> who always dated these a**hole guys and one of them was stalking her...we often wondered if she was still alive..." His boss at the time is married, too. Wonder if he keeps her phone #, too? Kept finding emails from all these females who H said 'were friends for YEARS', but he never mentioned to me before. Invites to b-day parties, etc. (no spouses, please- yes, he went many times, without my knowledge, until he came home smelling of booze). He would have flipped if it had been me instead.

I told him after d-day that this is a ploy used by people with no self worth to gain attention. They are ALWAYS in crisis, with no way out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Truth is, they are vampires, who only take. He is learning to back off, and concentrating on our M and kids, instead of giving his best to everyone else.

I am really proud of the progress he's making. I've been so depressed since d-day and he's going out of his way with DS and being very loving. Just some encouragement for the rest of you. They can kick the habit if they want to.

Yes, I have an H with the KISA syndrome too. (Excellent acronym zorweb!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It was a major sore spot in our marriage. He would help out some of his female colleagues with all sorts of things, buying a cell phone, selling their car, buying and picking up a new bicycle, take lots of time helping them at work so they can get their contract renewed, etc. After I was foolish enough to cheat on him, he told me that at least these women appreciated what he did for them, unlike me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Heck, just last week I was having a fit because he stopped to help some woman on the side of the road late at night b/c she ran out of gas, and then had the nerve to have her back to the house for a couple drinks. (Yes, we are separated but we are not divorced, I am disgusted he'd have another woman in our house when he leads me to believe he still may want to work things out with me.)

I am learning now to chalk it up to the fact that he is truly an insecure man, and being a KISA to other, young single "helpless" women just bolsters his fragile ego. Oh yeah, and he can also use their appreciative nature to compare them to me and therefore pressure me into being manipulated by him to do whatever he wants when he wants, rather than being allowed to have self-respect and set healthy boundaries.

And if we dare to suggest they shouldn't be doing these things for these women, they just say "What, I can't be nice to other women?" It's so much more than that. If anyone has figured out a way to make that clear to them, please post here!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Jen

Oh wait, Ejosef, you said, "He is learning to back off, and concentrating on our M and kids, instead of giving his best to everyone else." What was the turning point? How did you get him to shift his focus away from other women and back to the family and his marriage??? (I'm so eager to hear!)

Jen

I have seen this one on many occasions and it is true that if you take notice and say something that you look like the jealous evil queen! I hate this. How do you make him stop?

Hey YEP I have a KISA too will fix fellow workers cars while mine has leaked oil for 8 months, will go out at 3 am in the morning to help a friend who has broken down BUT can't help his kids with there homework etc much less make an apearance at home before 10.30pm at night if at all LOL after 8 years of this on and off I have learnt to live alone me and the kids if we see him great if not well so be it, it gets to a point where it no longer hurts at all (wow that sounds strange!!)
Jen

AND I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE LOL.

I can tell you a few tails. OW calls my house in middle of the night, and he bails her a** out of jail.

Another "damsel" needed him to fix her water leak,

OMG, if only he had time to pick up his dishes or sox, he would be set.

GRRRRRR makes me sick.

I think i need a wife LOL

This stuff is beyond the outskirts of chivilry. When a man has a family and he is jumping all over fixing OW problems, aah what do you call it. Is there a psychiatrist in the forum? LOL Quick somebody tell a joke!!

Hi Jen and All,

The change came after d-day, when I explained the ploy OW (and others) used to pull him in. It made sense to him, and he's worked to change. I told him in detail the pain it caused me to hear from OTHER WOMEN how he helped them, lent them money, etc. while kids and I couldn't even get his undivided attention without him getting angry and telling us to go away. Fortunately, I had many physical examples around the house of things that had been "let go". But I think he was already feeling convicted in his own mind. All those things have been taken care of now.

A big LU for OW was PRAISE. She did say to me that I needed to appreciate what I had in H. I always have been grateful, but maybe wasn't vocal enough about it.

Perhaps the chest beater in them wants us to fawn over their every accomplishment, or at least receive a tender kiss and a sincere 'thank you'.
Let's face it, gushing gratitude is what they get from the 'damsels'. Let's not give the d*mn-sels the advantage by taking our H's for granted. I really think they look to us first for this need, but go elsewhere if they don't find it. JMHO. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I know I like to get some praise every now and then, too.

I tend to volunteer too much myself (not for other MEN, but for 4H, school, charity, etc). I have tried to exert a little more effort on the homefront, too, and it's made a difference, I can tell you. I don't want H or myself to deny someone who is TRULY in need if we are able to help. But when it's a habit performed at the expense of our family and M, it's WAY out of balance.

Blessings!

Ejosef - What a simple approach, you explained how it hurt you, gave examples, and he listened and understood, and made changes. I wish I could've got my H to listen every time I tried to explain how much it hurt me to watch him help others. He just appealed to the "generous" side of me and said what, what's wrong with doing nice things for other people? It doesn't MEAN anything. GRRRR. He refused to stop. He made me out to be CRAZY for being upset about it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Let's face it, gushing gratitude is what they get from the 'damsels'. Let's not give the d*mn-sels the advantage by taking our H's for granted. I really think they look to us first for this need, but go elsewhere if they don't find it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would have to agree. My H even said to me that unlike me, when he does things for these other women, their eyes go wide with amazement and they show him genuine appreciation. So we have to make them feel genuinely appreciated for everything they do apparently to keep them focussing their efforts at home. Perhaps people with kids may even need to reteach the kids to say thanks to daddy for what he does for them.

I have to honestly say that my H's whole KISA complex is one of the biggest things that made me resent him and distanced us from one another in the time leading up to my A. It's not an excuse for me having an A, but it contributed to resentment and hurt that's for sure.

Jen