How am I doing? Thanks for asking. I sure have had better weekends and better days.
H came by the house as I requested and when questioned, of course denied he had been with OW, but when pressed (and pressed!) said he had driven over there to talk to her...supposedly to tell her what we were going through (yeah, right!). I could tell by his face and my gut as well it was not the whole truth.
After he left, I sent three different emails, each taking a different approach with regard to honesty. Finally, last night, he emailed me back and admitted he had spent the night with her. He said, "Call it a fix or an escape. I guess it was both, and neither because it caused me more internal strife."
While this was hard to read, the one positive that has come out is that finally, finally he has been honest with me, and proceeded to honestly answer more questions I posed. Throughout our marriage, he has said, he has had major problems with honesty. He tells me only what he thinks I want to hear. So I consider this a major breakthrough.
Next step, however, was to email him back and let him know that I truly love him and want to stay married and grow old with him, but can't under these circumstances. Yes, I attached to the email a Plan B letter. So that is where we are, and it is very frightening. Even though he has not been living here, we have been in communication, if only by email. Now there will be nothing, until he decides he is ready to treat me with respect and love and to protect me.
The odd thing about our Plan B, however, is that he has a home office. We never see each other - I have an hour commute and leave here by 7:30 each morning, returning about 6:30. He's never here when I am. But I have to wonder if Plan B is really intended to just remove the contact, or to remove him from all the rewards: being comfortable in his home during the day, seeing our dog, doing his laundry here on Fridays, etc. Of course, the benefits to me are that he continues to pay the bills, and takes out the garbage, and when he does laundry he does mine too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Tomorrow night I have a solo appointment with Jennifer. I want her to know where we are in the relationship and I will need her input in terms of whether I continue appointments with her while we are in Plan B or if we wait it out until he is ready to work on the marriage.
I am very lonely, very scared. What a horrible thing to have to live through. People are right. This carries so much more pain than losing even your parents. This just continues to gnaw at your heart all the time. But now is the time for me to work on me. To get stronger, more confident, to once again find the independence I used to have.
In my heart of hearts I believe he will come back. I just don't know how willing he will be to do MB. Changing things about himself has never been something he was willing or able to do. It will surely be a test.
I am so grateful for these boards, and look forward to chatting with everyone more.
Again, thanks for asking how I was doing.
