I discovered my husband's affair July 2002, after many months of suspicion. He has moved out and back several times. Then we found MB. We started MB therapy with Jennifer (Harley Chalmers) at my urging. Seemed to be doing fairly well, doing EN, LB questionnaires and exercises. Then I discovered the OW had emailed him and called him at work. Jennifer's advice to him was to (1) stay home and completely endorse/follow Plan A (including the letter); (2) Plan B; (3) move out temporarily until he could fully accept and do plan A; (4) give up and divorce.

He moved out, supposedly short-term (Jennifer's advice - no more than a week). It is now 5 weeks. During our last call with Jennifer, after she questioned him at length, she said for him to go and do pro's and con's about moving back. He told her there was no contact with OW and cound't come up with any sound reasons (to her or to me) not to move back. That was April 18 and he is still gone.

Now, I have realized that he is probably seeing the OW each weekend. She lives about 2 1/2 hours away from here, and I know he is not at his apartment evenings and weekends, and when I call his cell phone, it rings with the "out of local area" ring style. Further, I caught him online today and can tell he logged on from a distant access.

I have left him a message that I want to speak to him and to call as soon as he gets the message. I need to confront him and demand his honesty...something he admittedly cannot handle with me. Obviously he has lied to Jennifer as well.

Is there hope for us or should I just give up? I am so tired and so hurt and lonely. I am very tired of feeling good one day, like we are making progress, only to realize it is still lies.

By the way, this is the second (to my knowledge) affair. The first was 10 years ago.

Married 18 years, no children together.

Thanks to anyone for your comments and support. I really need it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Just giving you a bump.

Hi Isgirl,

Does he sound like he can come back in the shape he is in now? You are probably right with his OW contact thing.

Talk with Jennifer. This time to work on your recovery. For now it may be better to just leave him be, but not without the standard reprecussions that one has to endure. He may need to see that OW will cost him many things he holds dear. If she is worth it to him to do so, you may need to consider that you are more valuable than he is to your personal recovery.

If he does realize he wants to truly work on a recovery of the M, now will he also have to prove to you he is worth having back. Either way he will have to do much work.

Jennifer will help you help yourself.

JMHO,
L.

Isgirl,

How are you doing?

L.

How am I doing? Thanks for asking. I sure have had better weekends and better days.

H came by the house as I requested and when questioned, of course denied he had been with OW, but when pressed (and pressed!) said he had driven over there to talk to her...supposedly to tell her what we were going through (yeah, right!). I could tell by his face and my gut as well it was not the whole truth.

After he left, I sent three different emails, each taking a different approach with regard to honesty. Finally, last night, he emailed me back and admitted he had spent the night with her. He said, "Call it a fix or an escape. I guess it was both, and neither because it caused me more internal strife."

While this was hard to read, the one positive that has come out is that finally, finally he has been honest with me, and proceeded to honestly answer more questions I posed. Throughout our marriage, he has said, he has had major problems with honesty. He tells me only what he thinks I want to hear. So I consider this a major breakthrough.

Next step, however, was to email him back and let him know that I truly love him and want to stay married and grow old with him, but can't under these circumstances. Yes, I attached to the email a Plan B letter. So that is where we are, and it is very frightening. Even though he has not been living here, we have been in communication, if only by email. Now there will be nothing, until he decides he is ready to treat me with respect and love and to protect me.

The odd thing about our Plan B, however, is that he has a home office. We never see each other - I have an hour commute and leave here by 7:30 each morning, returning about 6:30. He's never here when I am. But I have to wonder if Plan B is really intended to just remove the contact, or to remove him from all the rewards: being comfortable in his home during the day, seeing our dog, doing his laundry here on Fridays, etc. Of course, the benefits to me are that he continues to pay the bills, and takes out the garbage, and when he does laundry he does mine too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Tomorrow night I have a solo appointment with Jennifer. I want her to know where we are in the relationship and I will need her input in terms of whether I continue appointments with her while we are in Plan B or if we wait it out until he is ready to work on the marriage.

I am very lonely, very scared. What a horrible thing to have to live through. People are right. This carries so much more pain than losing even your parents. This just continues to gnaw at your heart all the time. But now is the time for me to work on me. To get stronger, more confident, to once again find the independence I used to have.

In my heart of hearts I believe he will come back. I just don't know how willing he will be to do MB. Changing things about himself has never been something he was willing or able to do. It will surely be a test.

I am so grateful for these boards, and look forward to chatting with everyone more.

Again, thanks for asking how I was doing.