It came from an unlikely source. My W was talking to our friend (who is the Ex-W to the OM) and she came right out and asked my W if she had had an A with her Ex-H!! As my W is telling me this, my heart dropped to my stomach and I felt the flush of embarrassment hit me. We are supposed to go to this friend’s house tonight to look over some furniture we might be buying (she and her new H are moving up north to Washington) and I said I didn’t want to go because I am embarrassed and don’t want to face her knowing that she knows about the A and that I know about it. She told my W that she had so strongly suspected it, based on body language and other things, she had told her own mom that she thought something was happening.

My W said two things in response to my statement. One I don’t agree with and the other I’m not sure about. She asked me if I was okay and I said no. She said, “Oh come on now, you already forgave me and it was almost 2 years ago now, don’t feel bad all over again about it.”

I’m sorry, but the revelation and realization that people know for sure that this happened reawakens the hurt and embarrassment I felt from the beginning.

The other statement was simply, “Oh don’t worry about it, she (the OM’s Ex-W) simply adores you. She thinks you are a special man because of your personality and that you forgave me.”

Okay, so maybe that’s not so bad to take. Why should I be embarrassed anyway? If anyone should be embarrassed it should be my W.

In any case, long story short, I now feel the jittery stomach again and my mind is racing again over the whole thing, despite the fact that we have grown closer and are once again enjoying our R in a more fulfilling way than it was previously.

What do I do? Take a deep breath and let it go?

I don’t want this to take hold of me and ruin where I am personally in my growth, nor sour the R with my W when things have been going so well.

Any advice is appreciated.

<small>[ May 05, 2003, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]</small>

OK .... here's a little, bitter pill to swallow. A little one ...... just a little one.

Your wife was insensitive to YOUR feelings. She did not like what you felt, so she tried to tell you, "Don't feel bad about it.".

I would ask your wife to sit with you for an hour ... and hear you out ... and tell her you need her to comfort you, without implying that your feelings are wrong.

Little things stay small if you deal with them as they arise.

This coming up at 2 years is NOT unusual. DO NOT FEEL WEIRD that there was a small blip on your recovery screen. NORMAL.
Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

You are absolutely right BS, if there is someone who should feel ashamed for what happened, it is her NOT YOU!

<small>[ May 05, 2003, 09:13 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Can't recall which site I read it but the brain makes no distinction of time when it comes to recollections.

Quick example say you were bitten by a large dog as a child. Years later when approached by a large dog you reactions will instantly put you in a state of mind equivalent to the exact day you were bitten.

The old saying "it seems like just yesterday" definitely applies here.

Look at all the posts where BS's feel like day one when a trigger kicks in.

<small>[ May 05, 2003, 11:09 PM: Message edited by: stunned-dad ]</small>

ALL,

Thanks for your replies. I posted this in Emotional Needs and got a great reply from Star*Fish too. I still need MB every so often when everything seems to be getting out of hand in my mind once again and I find myself heading back down the road of depression, resentment, anger and revenge. It's funny how everything can seem so bright and sunny, then suddenly, a trigger occurs and releases all the ugliness back to the surface again.

It does me good to come here and get my perspective back. Actually, more than just perspective, I feel like a get back my dignity and respect.

PEPPERBAND: Though your suggestion is a good one, I can only talk on that level with my wife on rare occassions; otherwise it almost always turns into a "tit for tat" talk rehashing all the old crap she had to endure and comparing it to my pain now, as if we are "even steven" now, or something like that, so unless a want a "battle royal" where we dredge up everything that has occurred in our M over the past 9 years, I stay mum. Sad, but it is true.

Like I have said other times in postings here, there are aspects to our M that would and could lead us to DV someday, even without the PA's that happened. Thanks again for your supportive and kind words.