I really need to come to some conclusions and hope you can help me.
I Learned recently my husband maintained an affair for years while away on business. He traveled a lot and was deeply involved with OW and built a significant life with her. Basically lived with her and had a seperate life with her.. trips, appartment, etc..
There were typical problems in our relationship and by accident I learned of the affair a few years ago. I confronted him on it, he said it was brief and a mistake, agreed to stop, and we went to a MC. It seems to help some, but after a year I was ok and could I trust again. He was still somewhat distant but seemed like this is what he wanted.
To my amazement the affair had started up again back then, actually never really stopped, and I recently learned of it. Times for us seem to have been good this last year and we really seemed to be coming together, but I am now faced with this harsh truth/reality.
He says that he was getting out of it and wanted to have a normal married life with us and this is why we were becoming closer as he was moving out of it. I think there's truth in that, but obviously he did love her and that's not simply gone. He says we we were fullfilling many of his needs together.
I don't know which way to turn. Basically he has shown he couldn't be trusted and partially blames the fact that I didn't meet all his needs and this other person did, but now he says he wants to give it his 100%. You know the story and he said the same before. He now wavers between sincerity and anger.. blaming me and blaming himself. Depending on the time and mood, he is shameful or resentful. The emotions are all over the place.
So how do I deal with all this? I feel emotionally stable now more or less. Of course I switch gears between wanting to be on my own or with him 2x a day, but the rage and stuff is passed and I am now trying to make a good decision and follow a smart path. This is my life and I don't want to make the wrong decisions.
I feel completely taken for granted and now after wearing out his life with the OW and getting caught I am left over. But what about all the orignal reasons that made him unhappy in the first place and take this step. I am not completely without blame of course, but these are extreme things that speak volumes about his maturity, character, love and dedication to the long haul.
He calls me for no reason now to hear my voice.. I miss the loving part of him, but I need to be level now. I have to admit that in many ways I was simply not fullfilled by him emotionally either, we didn't appreciate each other much and were distant. I think this became natural as he was involved and I was reacting to that. But there's still a little something there, maybe just history and emotional attachment?
So, we are not living in the house together, and The opportunity to legally seperate is there and I haven't taken the step.
Not sure what to do now? The more I talk to him the more it seems like I am simply drifting back into a normal mind, the more i avoid him the more I think I can move on and be healthy, start again.
I really am looking for help..
Joanne
