I am new here and am looking for some guidance. As my name suggests I suppose I'm as guilty as anybody for allowing this to continue. Wife had a EA/PA. D-Day 2-28-02 yes 02. She confessed under what I suppose is the tremendous weight that guilt must be. Anyway she continues on in a bar league with OM. She sees him only once a week but calls him about 4 times a week. The guy is much younger and single and really has no interest in my wife. My problem is her ongoing fantasy and I have allowed that to go on because I have never confronted the OM with her confession. In effort to protect reputation I figured she confessed, it's over and she doesn't need to be drug through the mud. Was I wrong. It has only allowed the EA to continue. I feel very strongly this is one-sided as this guy really has no interest other than friendship.

I have had enough and now I want to pop the balloon by going to him and letting him know of her confession. Thoughts of revenge have long subsided. I simply want him to know I am aware of what happened and as far as I'm concerned he is a non-issue in my life. Knowing he will feel like crap is satisfying enough.

Please help.

Bump

Like every BS you focus on the OM and how to deal with him. This is wrong, I think (dont worry, I do it a lot too!). Rather, I'd suggest that it is only your wife who has to make the call. Does she know how you feel about her ongoing contact with him? if she had to choose (and yes, she has to choose eventually), what will it be: her bar league or your marriage?

Nick, you make a very good point. I thought I had studied this board extensively but I can see I can gain a lot of insight from people in the same boat. From your signature I can see if will never go away by itself and now it is time for tougher love. I know I will win in the end but it is minimizing damage I suppose. But if I can heal from this than she will have to heal from withdrawal.

Thanks

Walkin' -

I was in a similar situation and here is how I handled it...

I told my W that I could not see myself in a M where a spouse would be giving themselves emotionally to another person. I felt her 'closeness and affection' were a gift reserved for me from the time we said 'I Do'. I told her that I have NO CONTROL over her actions. I can only control myself and the choices I make. This was the only way I know of to get a WS to understand the consequences of thier actions without being given an ultimatum.

We had this conversation after 6 mos of Plan A ( my plan A included getting myself sober). She understood my feelings, and was able to put herself in my shoes. I Think it was a pivotal talk for us...

Good luck,

Gib

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I told my W that I could not see myself in a M where a spouse would be giving themselves emotionally to another person. I felt her 'closeness and affection' were a gift reserved for me from the time we said 'I Do'. I told her that I have NO CONTROL over her actions. I can only control myself and the choices I make. This was the only way I know of to get a WS to understand the consequences of thier actions without being given an ultimatum. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gibby, very nicely stated. I may just have to use some of your wording in a plan B letter.

Walkingoneggs, I don't have very brilliant advice to give, but I allowed my H to basically have an EA (close friendship with a work colleague) for 4 years. There was never any sexual attraction (or so he said), but the resentment built in me so much it wasn't funny. I say don't let it go on any more. I agree with the poster that said to tell her to choose, do you want to go out to the bar league, or do you want to be married?

Jen

Gibby1. Very, very good advice. It is really been refreshing to finally join this group after prowling for so long. The benefits of getting off the sidelines have been tenfold. Instead of looking for my situation in others posts, I have finally been able to post MY situation and have been rewarded with advice like yours. Don't mean to gush, but it is very empowering to finally realize I have a lot of control over this situation. It only goes on if I let it. Your comments to your W are both sensitive and effective. That is my biggest concern, I love my W so much I am afraid to hurt her feelings. Pretty ridiculous considering what she doing to me. I have no fear of her leaving no matter what. But I don't want to be married to a shell of that person either. While it's difficult to have a situation like this with no losers it really does seem possible if everybody does the hard work. Admitting your wrong is very hard especially for my wife.

Jen Brown. I have tremendous respect for you. You advice to my situation is interesting. 4 YEAR EA is something I would have thought impossible but anymore I can see there really is no end in sight without change.

Regarding your own situation I am reminded of one of the coolest things I've stubled across on this website. It is the Poem called Feeling Island. If your not familiar with it let me know and I'll try to paraphrase and/or find it. But the last line goes "Only Time is capable of knowing how great Love is". And someday very soon I hope your H wakes up. When he does I'm sure any residual bitterness you may have will dissipate very quickly. Thanks for being here; you're my inspiration in both patience and love.

walkingoneggs, you are simply too kind. You shouldn't have tremendous respect for me. My solution to my upset over my H having a close female friend was as follows: tell him it upset me, but not make a change in how much time I devoted to my job, so he not only continued the friendship, it got closer. Then I just gave up and tried to be friends with her too. Time goes on, the THREE of us do lots of things together, including her joining me and H and friends on camping trips, etc. I probably did become a good friend of hers too, but I still wish she'd never come around. EA in this case didn't include what some seem to include (like emails saying how they are in love etc.), and was justa close friendship. Then last year my H started latching on to another female and developed a close friendship with her, much to my dismay, but I tried to suck it up again and just be friends with her. STUPID STUPID Jen. I'd do anything to go back and tell both of them to stay the heck away from day 1. But I believed that the bond my H and I shared was so strong it didn't matter, that I could trust him ,and he loved me not them, etc. Then I cheated on my H with his BF. I am not worthy of huge amounts of respect, believe me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "Only Time is capable of knowing how great Love is". And someday very soon I hope your H wakes up. When he does I'm sure any residual bitterness you may have will dissipate very quickly. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really have trouble imagining that ever happening.

Thanks for your kind words, but I am just feeling so down and hopeless about things today. Sorry.

Jen

Walkin' and Jen, thanks for the cudos.

Walkin', be care about the control thing. You do not have any control over your W and the OM. You control yourself and the situations you allow yourself to be in. This is a VERY thin line to dance on. IMHO, you must be ready to let go of the one you love before it really sinks in with them. Without that sincerity the dicussion will probably sound like an ultimatum and they never work in the long term.

Gib

Jen, it's not what you did but what you DO that I respect. Somebody's signature line says conduct yourself so that in 10 years you can look back and know you did your best. You will certainly be able to do that. For the first 7 years of my marriage I handed my paycheck to a bookie and then turned around and told me wife that we couldn't affort to take the kids out to eat. For another 5 years she stood by while we paid off the enormous debt I had accumulated. The equivalent of 2 years salary at the time. So for 12 years she perseverved. We know have everything that she always deserved so I'm glad she stayed to allow that to happen. I was 30 when we faced the gambling problem. So while she still occassionally mentions gambling I know in my heart she admires what I have done for our family. Don't think your husband doesn't admire what you're doing. You know the guilt of an affair and now he does to. Keep that in mind when dealing with him. That's how I am able to be so patient with my wife.

Gibby1, thanks again. You have made me further understand how dangerous this is if left unaddressed. PA is bad EA is worse. Very tough case to crack because it's easy to justify as "we're just friends", "we just chit chat" etc.