I am almost 100% sure that my marriage is going to end in divorce. We are waiting until after the summer unless one of us can't take it. My h is in love with someone else that he works with. My previouse attempts at Plan A have sucked but am really going to try this time. But we are talking about things that we need to do in case it doesn't work out - not sure if this is a good idea or not.

Anyway I am angry that I lived with this man for 26 years, worked to help pay the bills, raised his 3 children for what. we are finally at a time in our lives when we should be able to do things - we are comforable financially - our youngest will be 21 and for the most part they are all self sufficient. But no - he decides he wants someone different - he wants to take care of someone else and the heck with me. It's like someone else is going to reap my benefits. I am now going to have to struggle again and it makes me so mad. I love him - I want a marriage and it's not all based on the financial aspect but right now that's what is really making me angry.

Anyone have any ideas how to get through this part of it. It is making me crazy - allright crazier than I already am after all this mess. I don't want to end up a bitter old lady - Even though our kids our older there are still things we will have to do.

T.T.H.O.

I don't have any good advice for you, but wanted to reply since there have been no replies. I know how it is to wait for someone to add a post.

You story sounds familiar.
My H is also IN LOVE with a woman from work.
We have been married for 18 years.
I feel the same, why the H--- should she reap any benefits from what we have made together.

I have begged, and told my H how loved and needed he is at home. Our children have also begged. He is so cold, and says he is doing right by leaving our family.

Well, I finally got to my anger stage when he went out with yet another woman, more less a one night stand. (seems as though he is already cheating on the one he LOVES).

This has put me to a level of, total disrespect for him. He totally is mistreating our daughters, and more, ME.

It took me a long time to get here, but, I think I'm ready to get an attorneys advice, and I plan on going for the jugular!

Have you done any counseling?
I have been to two. The current one that I am seeing is a Christian Counselor. I have only been twice, but I think he will being helpful to me regardless of the outcome of my marriage.
I also find woman who have had the same experience as me, and ask if I can talk to them.

Anything to help me through this. I can't do this alone.

I also pray, a lot!
I pray, that this woman will stomp all over my H heart so he can feel the pain he has caused myself, and our two young daughters.
Secondly, I pray that his sexual performance will be taken from him. Wouldn't that be great?!

I wish you luck.
Karen

KEB1205,
Thanks for the reply - I find that it is hit or miss with this board sometimes. I appreciate the reply. Sorry for your situation too.
I have been counseling since last April - I haven't been in over a month because of a family crisis in my counselor's family - I really like her and want to stay with her. But so much has happened since I last talked with her. He doesn't want counseling - doesn't want to read anything - his comment is he doesn't need someone else to tell him how he should feel.
The woman my husband is in love with has done this 3 other times that I am aware of - she and her husband are seperated now so I'm sure that's part of my h motivation. He knew about 1 of these times for sure and was told about the other one directly but now of course doesn't believe it - he has to be the special one. One of them that I was told about he tells me is laughable - she would never fall for someone like that - so I can't win you know. She is perfect in his eyes. Now I get he's never really loved me blah blah blah. It really hurts though.
Again Karen thanks for the reply - I will continue to pray and hope for a good outcome. I am trying to make myself stronger and hopefully if it comes to that will be able to say you don't deserve me.
TTHO

Sounds like a serious MLC. I feel for you. No good advice. Hang in there if you can, Plan A for you. Talk to a GOOD attorney. Hire a PI to document what is going on, and move foward alone. If he sees you improving yourself he might get scared. Hugs to you. It just isn't fair.

NJ
Thanks for the reply - it really isn't fair but there are so many people of this board who can say the same thing. I wouldn't doubt it is a midlife crisis - here's this 32 year old tiny thing who is interested - he told me he is feeling old and wants something different but not with me even though I know things could be a lot better for us(we struggled for years to raise our youngest son - he is ADHD and had so many problems that it definately effected our marriage). So all I can do is work on me and see what happens.
TTHO

The bonds that you have with your husband are deeper than he thinks. The question is are you interested in playing second chair?

It is terrible to live this and we never thought anything could touch and ruin our marriage as effectively as what he did to yours. But ..it happens!

You have to protect yourself. Use your anger in positive ways. Get the professional needs covered and only God knows the future, but you don't have to let your WS bowl you over. You have done plenty in your life, and it is not something anyone can take from you. Don't look at it as you gave it TO him, but think of the day today and what you want in the future and build on that. Even if you had a good experience with your husband today still is new. Everything you do today you can either look forward or backward.

I choose looking at what I can do that is good and wholesome today. If people around me want to screw up, I won't make myself part of that. I want the good stuff of life.

I am too old to be foolish and too young to die. LIVE. wflower

Pretty powerful WFlower!

And, very good words to live by.

T.T.H.O.

I do think my H is in a MLC.
and I would almost think our H's have the same first and last name!
Boy have I heard the same, No one can tell him who he is, what he is doing, and convince him he is doing wrong by anyone. And most certainly, he is doing RIGHT to himself. He is living for him!

We also had a crisis with our oldest daughter. She almost died in her fathers arms a year ago. She has come from hear death, to a strong girl now. And this is the thanks my H shows!

I'm sorry for all the hurt of the people on here, but there is comfort knowing my story is not unique to me. So many can tell the same story.

Makes me know the devil is around and existing.
How can so many spouses have the same experience.
There is a script for their behavior, and it's not a good one!

Karen

WFLOWER
Thanks so much - your words are amazing - the only problem is my head says that I agree with you but my heart tells me somthing else. I am stronger now than I have bee since this all happened - 14 months ago - and I do know that no matter what happens there are things I will look back on fondly. I know I have a long road but will make the most of what life hands me. Thanks again.
TTHO

KEB1205,
It is amazing the similarites with our wh's - and it really is comforting to know that there are other people out there that know what you are going through.
My wh mentioned MLC once but then denied it -there is so much he has said that he has later denied. I hate this. This has been the most difficult year of my life - but again I need to get stronger for me.
Our stories sound similar if you would like to e-mail let me know. I can't post my e-mail address on here but will send it to you if you will post yours.
TTHO

What is it that your heart tells you? That you once loved this man and he was IT. Let your heart in on the here and now. Why do you have to choose to lament and feel that life will be the long, dragging road. Don't accept that. You have in your heart the need of secure love, but does that exist? Probably better than you know. Take your heart feeling on a positive road. The road to understanding and patience and kindness and associate with the people who deliver it back.

That is why I am at this site.

WFLOWER,
My heart is still telling me I Love this man - I guess not the man he is now but the man that he has been. We have been through so much and I knew in my heart that we could make our marriage so much better than it was. I was looking forward to doing weddings for our children together - to be grandparents together. Traveling etc. But you're right - there has to be a more secure understanding love out there. Thank you so much for your words.
TTHO

You have children together and when they get married you will both be there, one way or another together.
Who knows how things will be in any one person's future. Pray to God we have health and live to see those precious grandchildren we know are in the future.
And who knows maybe your husband will figure out something and make it up to you, but are you going to just let luck's wind take charge. I would not.
My best advice is to look at what is perfect and true and good in your life. Take care of your heart and be aware of the good all around you. Stop yourself from drowning in sadness about what you lossed. What you gain down the road will be positive if you keep your head out of the clouds.
God is with us. wflower

Wow again to WFlower!

You are so right on these things, but it's so hard to see when you are in the hole, so to speak.

I know where T.T.H.O. is coming from. It wasn't till my H hurt me again, and again, and then a final time that I could feel the anger. All of these things come in there own time. No one can get us there by talking to us, well, for me anyway.
My H did two final things, and that has put me to the stage I need to be in, Anger. Everyone talked about it, but I didn't feel it, and wondered, how do you get angry??
I too was still sooo in love with my H. I thought, I can forgive him, it can be better than ever. But, with his new set of deceit, he has left me with so much doubt.

WFlower is so encouraging.

I would also rather not post my email address.
We can chat through here if you like. I don't mind sharing on here.

Thanks,
Karen

WFLOWER & KEB1205
Thanks for the advice and encouragement - it really helps - wflower your words are amazing and I will print off this topic and keep it with me to read when I am feeling down and hopeless.
keb1205 - I can appreciate you not wanting to post your e-mail address - mine is a work one so I can't - chatting through here would be nice. I will pray for both of you.
TTHO

I am thrilled to help. I think that I learned a lot from my education and from coming from a divorced mom and dad. What a long road. But I changed what was horrible into what can I learn out of all of this. I learned that all things do pass and God grew in my heart. I learned to look outside of my shell. I learned that other people are there to help. I had to learn to accept that my parents had problems, and back then no one to get good help from. So sad. Many things ...
Then I found that I too had marital problems. I was scared. But a great friend of mine told me a long time ago, "take the bull by the horns" That little phrase got this meek little mouse through hell and back and coming through stronger and wiser.

With love in your heart Have a good day!
wflower

Here's what's helping me:

You need to develop a whole new vision of your life and your future. So far it's been centered around a future with H. Think of all the great ladies in history who did something wonderful with their lives -- even into middle and old age -- but WEREN'T married. Mother Theresa. Christina the Astonishing. Golda Meir. George Sand. I don't know, make your own list. And then move towards that future. Get some biographies out of the library. Get involved with charity work. Think of ways to reinvent yourself.

This will help you with Plan A. As long as you are entirely focused on H to provide your psychological future, it will be a recipe for resentment and anger. But if you can move towards a new future now, even if it's only in your own head, that will take the pressure out of your relationship -- which will help you whatever happens.

<small>[ May 08, 2003, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

I know this is your post TTHO, but I have to ask this to WFlower.
Do you mind if I ask?

How did your relationship end up through all you have went through?

For me, I don't see the light, as far as our lives together. He would have to change so much. I don't know that he could prove to me that our marriage would be secure.

How are you doing TTHO? I hope well, or as well as can be.

Take care, and I will check back with you.
Karen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T. T. H. O.:
<strong>WFLOWER
Thanks so much - your words are amazing - the only problem is my head says that I agree with you but my heart tells me somthing else. I am stronger now than I have bee since this all happened - 14 months ago - and I do know that no matter what happens there are things I will look back on fondly. I know I have a long road but will make the most of what life hands me. Thanks again.
TTHO</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">U know TTHO, your feelings are what most of us feel. What I learned is that until my mind and heart have united in thought and feeling there wasn't a whole lot I could do to stop those anxiety attacks and tears. I wanted them to stop real bad but just couldn't. I wanted to get to that point where I didn't care and wanted to stop loving him but just couldn't. I tried to find a replacement and almost succeeded several times but just couldn't..... why? Because my mind and heart were miles apart.

The confusion in my inner soul was what the WS was also going through except his involved an OW (aka: PBR). When I realized this and pulled back on my 'personal expectations' of myself, it helped. I also was able to go to plan B and move forward. Then in time, that merging of mind and heart happened. Not all at once but in time. When it did, I was energized. Plan B was no longer a scary place to be. I felt confident that I was a good person worthy of moving forward.

Then what??? Well in my case, someone wanted to come home and I had to 'think about it'. No rushing.....more thinking. Scared the pants off of him... oops his pants were off (LOL!!!). Well now he had to prove his value to us and it was a shakey long process of proof. He slipped and almost lost us a few times. I kept plan B in my back pocket, even used it a few times. Each time I got stronger.

I learned that personal recovery was within my grasp but M recovery was dependent on both of us and if he was not around, no use wasting time on M recovery. I worked on my personal recovery and did quite well. Of course posting a lot here helped. Having an MC helped. Reading the MB books and other books helped also. Having a sense of humor and being able to laugh at myself and call his bluffs.....helped. I learned to look that A right in the eye and laugh.

L.

That is true.
I have been separated for about 8 weeks now, and at first it scared me to death.
Now, I know I can do this on my own.
It was not my first choice, but I can do this.

My thoughts are:
I wanted my H to come back for so long, I'm to the point where I'm not sure if I do anymore.
So many wonderful friends tell me I should no way take him back.

I can't see him crawling back at this point, but if he does, do you follow your own wishes, or thing that your friends are far enough removed and they can see the terrible mistake you would be making?

What a mess. Why do spouses have to put all this mistrust in to a relationship.

Karen

Thanks everyone for your replies- they help so much.
KEB1205 - No problem asking WFLOWER - I am interested also.
ORCHID - you are so right about the heart and mind thing - my heart still hurts with this but like I said am getting stronger everyday - my wh came home in a mood last night - I asked him what was wrong - I know I shouldn't have he said with what and I said nothing and went on my merry way doing my normal things - he had to go to a store about 40 minutes away and said are you going or what - now I wished I would have said - no I have things to do but was happy he asked so I went - we hardly spoke - he was so quiet - but I didn't start a conversation about why just let him brood - a month ago I would have been all over him about why he ws so quiet - so baby steps.
Thanks again.
TTHO