About 2 years ago I found an e-mail my husband sent a flame from 15 years ago basically asking her for a naked picture and stating that he never loved anyone the way he loved her. Along with the above letter we had several other issues and went to marriage counseling. Things have been wonderful since then. Anyhow, on to the current issue. Recently my husband had to go to Texas on business. When I spoke to him he stated that he was going to dinner with a friend and his wife. I stated that I hoped he would not get in touch with the girl that he wrote the email to. He stated I shouldn't worry that me and the kids were the most important people in his life. He came back from Texas 1 day later. A week later going on a gut feeling I checked his email. He had gone to dinner with the couple and this girl. I was so mad. I confronted him and asked him why he lied about going out with this girl. He stated it was just dinner with old friends. I told him normally I wouldn't mind him going out with old friends, women and men, but since the context of his original email was out of line that he had no business seeing her even if it was in a group of people. I also told him he should have been forthcoming, he said he didn't want to hurt me. I told him too late he already has and besides if he knew it would hurt me he knew it was wrong. Because of his upbringing, in some ways he just doesn't get it. However, until he realizes he was wrong I don't know how to get past this. I feel an apology and an acceptance that this was wrong and he will stop emailing her would do. I dont want to be a nag but he needs to make amends before I can move on. Any suggestions?

Kali
I don't know your story but I would have to think there has been contact between the two for longer then he is admitting. Tell him how you feel. suggest MC, you need your marriage to be open and honest, no secrets. If you need to, do some snooping and see what you find. I know my WW would not admit to anything unless I had the proof in my hands...Good luck and stay strong

Your husband is definitely out of line. He will continue doing this as long as you do not lay down the law very clearly. If I were you I’d tell him that either it ends right now or you will move on. Generally women feel very insecure when their husband is having inappropriate relationships with other women. But if she acts weak, he will have little respect for her and continue his behavior.

MB has a very clear way of handling this. The link in my signature block to Plan A and Doormats give some very good idea. It’s a form of tough love… not quite as clean a cut as Dodson’s “Love Must be Tough”. But MB is a touch love approach.

The way I handled it with my husband was to tell him that either he stop the contact immediately or he could pack his bags. He knew I meant it. He gave me all his passwords, email accounts, chat accounts so I could tell if he had contact. I also contacted the women he was involved with and told them that he is married (he’d lied to them) and to get the hey out of our lives. Later he emailed no-contact letters to them while I was present.

We then read SAA and all the MB material and have been MB’ing ever since.

Your husband has to know that you are not going to stay with a man who is having an affair. Period.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 03:16 AM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

Snooping! Its a funny thing. Most of us do it because deep down inside we want to proove our gut feelings are wrong. Sad thing is most of us get more than we bargain for!

Kali.

First, welcome to Marriage Builders.

I don't know if you've read anything on the website other than the forums, so, I am going to cut and paste the URL's to make it easy for you.

First you and your spouse need to understand the Marriage Builders Concepts, and how Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages. One of the things that Dr. Harley does with his Basic Marriage Building Concepts, is to restore the marriage from an Affair. What is an affair? Is my spouse having an Affair? Am I having an Affair? What must I do?

Once the both of you understand the Marriage Builders Concepts you will then, ONLY, able to begin the end of the hurt for everyone.

There are Steps to Recover from an Affair. But first you must understand why all of this happened and how are you going to Survive this Affair?

There are many parts to an Affair. Whether the Unfaithful Wife the Unfaithful Husband, or the Other Person the process to end the Affair and Restore the Marriage is the hardest and the most stressful thing in your life that you will do.

Coping with Infidelity, Part 1: How Do Affairs Begin?
Coping with Infidelity, Part 2: How Should Affairs End?
Coping with Infidelity, Part 3: Restoring the Marital Relationship.
Coping with Infidelity, Part 4: Overcoming Resentment.

Also, you need to understand completely, What Plan A and Plan B? are.

Accepting the basic Marriage Builders Concepts will help both you and your spouse make the necessary changes to make each other happy again.

How do you make your spouse happy when you don't know what makes them happy? Try and understand how to fill their Love Bank.

Understanding your Love Bank and that of your spouses will help both of you understand each others Instincts and Habits.

When we understand what our spouses Instincts and Habits are and we can see how they react to triggers that affect their Love Bank, only then will you and your spouse be able to understand and fulfill each others Most Important Emotional Needs.

Before trying to understand each others Most Important Emotional Needs, you both need to understand what the description of each need is.
Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration

You and your spouse need to click and print the following Questionaire's:
(Print 2 copies for each of you and take your time filling them out, alone, in a quiet place where you have time to think.)

Emotional Needs Questionaire
Love Busters Questionaire
Personal History Questionaire
Financial Support Questionaire
Recreational Enjoyment Inventory

When you both finish the Emotional Needs Questionaires, both of you need to look at The Policy of Undivided Attention.

With all of this attention the two of you are giving each other you will undoubtedly encounter Love Busters.

What are Love Busters? Here is a short list to better help you understand what Love Busters are and how to avoid them:
Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

How do you communicate that your Emotional Needs aren't being met; or that your spouse is continually Love Busting? To communicate to one another you need to understand
Four Rules for a Successful Marriage.

The four rules are:
The Rule of Care.
The Rule of Protection.
The Rule of Honesty.
The Rule of Time.

Also, you both need to practice The Policy of Radical Honesty.

The First Part of the Policy of Radical Honesty is: Emotional Honesty.
The Second Part of the Policy of Radical Honesty is: Historical honesty.
The Third Part of the Policy of Radical Honesty is: Current Honesty.
The Fourth Part of the Policy of Radical Honesty is: Future Honesty.

When you are truley ready to restore your marriage you need to understand and construct a Policy of Joint Agreement between you and your spouse

Under the POJA, you need to understand what The Giver and The Taker are.

Once restoration begins under the Policy Of Joint Agreement (POJA), you and your spouse need to prepare you minds for marriage to be able to negotiate under the POJA. To negotiate under the POJA, you and your spouse need to understand the 'state of mind' the marriage is in.

The First State of Mind in Marriage is Intimacy.
The Second State of Mind in Marriage is Conflict.
The Third State of Mind in Marriage is WithDrawal.

Some issues you might encounter under negotiation are also listed.
How does one spouse lead the other back to Intimacy?
The Policy of Undivided Attention.
How to Survive Incompatibility.
How to Overcome Annoying Behavior.
What to Do with an Alcholic Spouse.
Can a Marriage be saved by one Spouse. (Part 1)
Can a Marrage be saved by one Spouse. (Part 2)
Having Trouble with the Policy Of Joint Agreement?
Following Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation.

So now that you have a basic understanding of what is going to happen in the process of rebuilding your marriage, you should seek additional counseling first as well as support in the Forums. You should contact the Harley's for counseling. Also, the Harley's recommend some informative books to help you restore your marriage.

So who is this guy Dr. Harley anyways?

If you have anymore questions, feel free to ask your questions, no matter how small, silly or stupid you think that they are.

Welcome to MB

note: Although I put this together in a handy quick reference page, none of the above is the work of my own. It is the property of Marriage Builders, Inc.,

I did talk with my husband this morning. I told him that we need to discuss this situation before it turns into resentment and before we could continue on with this marriage. I told him that although he felt it was "no big deal" because they only had dinner and with another couple, that it was a big deal to me. He is a great husband in so many ways but he truely amazes me sometimes. I also stated to him that if he loved his family and we were the most important people in his life as he stated we were,he would have no further contact with this woman. I also stated that although his intentions may have been innocent, hers definately were not. She knew he was married, and after the inappropriate email (which he says is his sense of humor,(BS) she should not have met him. I told him that if he didn't tell me because he knew it would hurt me then he shouldn't have done it in the first place because he knew it was wrong and he was intentionally doing something that he knew would be hurtful. I also told him that he is either married or not he better decide. I also stated he knows that I am not jealous by nature, but what he did was totally inappropriate and that as long as he is married he has no business going out with any woman unless it is with me or it is for business period.
He is not much of a communicator in fact he's really had to work on his communication skills. Nevertheless, he had agreed that since this is a sore spot and will only cause problems in the future, that he would not have any further contact with her. He understands that I will not accept anything less.

Your post really his home for me. Almost my former situation, but with a few differences.

If he's agreed to end it Kali, just make sure you check up on him.

My H's A started out by him meeting a woman at the Hard Rock Cafe, 350 miles from home, on a business trip. We had just had our 3rd child, she was 3 months old at the time. Several years later, when we got a computer H started using chat rooms on occassion. After another six months to a year I found an e-mail one day. It was the strangest thing. The e-mail was up on the screen as big as day after he had clicked the "send" button. He left the house thinking his e-mail was no longer visable. I come along and see a very sexual e-mail to a woman that ends with my H saying "your man, R". He later explained that it was "just a joke" to some "chick" he had talked to in a chat room. He'd NEVER done anything before that would make me suspect cheating. He was remorseful, tried to make me feel better. I was devestated, but I forgave him and believed him.

Fast forward another year and a half. He's been irritable and difficult and just not happy. Seems he always sees the glass half empty instead of half full. He tries to provoke arguements. Then I get the "not in love with you" speech. H says we need to separate. I'm somewhat shocked as we have our problems and I know he's been less than happy but I don't expect the separation talk. I say OK. Can't keep a caged man as a H. He makes no move to leave. Two weeks later he's badgering me for a gift certificate we've been holding onto, he wants to use it to "get away" for a few days.....to a hotel 350 miles from home ( this is now 6 years after the business trip). I can't recall where I put the gift certificate and H comes unglued. I put 2 and 2 together. I find out that he and this woman, whom he kissed that night in the bar, had lunch with the next day before coming home, had continued the e-mail relationship at work and then at home when we got our computer. He was at a point where she was pressuring him for more and he was ready to leave me and his 3 kids to go start a relationship with her. I could have kicked myself for having been so "trusting" after I found the initial e-mail. If I had only not been so naive I might have been able to save me and my kids some grief.

H did end it and after a 2 month separation decided he loved and wanted his family. He,was treated for depression, got counseling, individual and couples and we have a wonderful marriage now, but boy was it hell getting here. Hopefully your H is being honest. Just be aware of how addicting an emotional affair can be and how good the WS can be at hiding it. I hope my story saves you some pain somewhere down the road. All the best to you!