Brand new to Plan B. I sent the letter 5 days ago, and he is respecting my NC.

Emotions are raw...the day of the letter, I felt like someone died, aching in stomach, tears. Then anger, because what initiated the Plan B approach was the discovery that after 7 months of supposedly no contact with OW, he not only contacted her, he spent the night with her!

I am miserable. I miss him, I love him, I am angry, rejected, depressed. I want him back and don't want him back. I guess the bottom line is that I DO want him back, but certainly not the way he was/is. He will have to change drastically, learn to be honest with me (something he has never been able to pull off), and be an active participant in MB. It has been lip service in the past, and I dragged him into MB counseling with Jennifer. He didn't like it, but now I know why: because he did not like what she was telling him and was not ready to end the affair. Thus, I felt it imperative to go to Plan B.

He has been reluctant to any type of change all our married life. Wonder what the chances are he will make such drastic changes as MB says are critical.

So, would like to hear from you: how long have you been in Plan B? How long did it take your WS to decide to address reconciliation?

I've never done a Plan B. But I've watched many here go through them. Wanted to address one of your comments.

"How long did it take your WS to decide to address reconciliation?"

Plan B does a few things. It lets the WS and OP have to depend totally on each other to get their EN’s met. This dose of reality usually breaks up the affair. It also allows the BS to protect any remaining love for the WS just in case the WS does not come back.

But mostly it is a time for the BS to start getting some peace from the pain, for the BS to start moving away from the WS. As Plan B goes by, the BS’s love bank slowly empties until they are ready to move on. If the WS is lucky they will return to the BS before the love bank is empty.

Please use this time to take care of yourself. Do not sit around pinning over your husband. Bet busy, take care of yourself (DO NOT DATE). You know that there is no guarantee that he will ever want to address reconciliation, right? So start living your life for you.

Thanks, Zorweb.

I know in my heart that you are right. It is just so damn hard to accept it. The whole time we were in MB counseling with Jennifer Chalmers, and listening to what she told me, I was in denial. Yeah, I knew there was an OW, but the things she told me "could never apply to us; they only happened to other couples."

Once I found out he was still seeing OW, I realized the truth and wisdom of what J had told me. It is extremely painful to think that the man I gave 18 years of my life to, and the marriage I thought was great, wer not what they appeared to be.

Deep down, I want to believe that he is separated from me and working to get back with me. But who knows? Only time will tell, I guess. You're right. I have been pining.

It's hard at age 56 to think about being single. It is such a couples' world out there. But I am strong; I was a single Mom for 14 years before I met and married my H, so I know I have it in me; I just have to find it again.

Thanks for your support.

You may find that some day your husband has a change of heart. Your old relationship is gone. If he returns it will be a new one. You will be starting from scratch. If he does come back, he will be lucky if you still want him.

I was 48 in 1996 when I divorced my ex.. I was devastated that our marriage fell apart. But by the time he started to make overtures of wanting to get back together.. all my love for him had died.

I understand the feeling you have about age and being alone. At the time of my divorce I assumed I’d be alone for the rest of my life. Then it just happened when I was not looking… I met my current husband. We married in 2000. Today I’m glad that my previous marriage broke up. My new husband is just a much better person. He is so much more loving and so much easier to live with. You never know what is around the next corner.

Every time a door closes new ones open.

I know that you will need to take some time to mourn the loss of your marriage. But even now it’s time to start looking to the future. Start by taking care of YOU. Get active, become the best ISGirl you can be.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 03:12 AM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

Zorweb,

You're the best. I sit here crying as I read your post. I know you are right. I just caught my WH online with the OW's logon, so I know they are together. Hurts like crazy.

Seven days in Plan B feels like a lifetime, probably because D-Day was last July and we have been attempting to "deal" with this since then. Many instances of his moving out, moving back, trying MB and meeting EN's, etc. He never was able to fully endorse the MB concepts, and now it is clear just why.

I have to keep remembering what Jennifer has said: the A has to die before he can consider reconciliation. And you are right: by then my love for him may have died. So, maybe it is a good thing that they are together. The more they spend together, the more he will move one way or the other - to her or away form her, particularly since we are Plan B'ing.

Right now, silly thought: I am going to make an appointment this week to get my will changed. I don't want him getting anything while he is in this mode; want to replace his name with my son's.

Guess that is progress, huh? Thinking practically instead of emotionally? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Gotta reach down deep and find that strength!

Changing your will is a good start. I recall doing that when things got bad with my ex.

Since I had put him through medical school I added to the will that his medical school education was my gift to him.

You are going to be ok.. one day at a time.

I too am eager to hear how long people who actually made it to recovery were in plan B, or even people who gave up and divorced after plan B.

I don't know if I have enough optimism that, as you say </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He will have to change drastically...and be an active participant in MB. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also, you said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He has been reluctant to any type of change all our married life. Wonder what the chances are he will make such drastic changes as MB says are critical.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I too have great difficulty imagining my H making any changes. (Why would he make changes for me if I'm the supposely deficient one, as my H sees it?)

Please, if anyone's gone through plan B and seen an end to it, post and let us know the duration!

Jen

Since I am really wondering about this whole plan B thing and how long one should let it go on for, I've started a couple of threads.

One is on the successful side, over "in recovery" Did you do plan B before you became "in recovery"?

The other is on the not so successful side, over in "divorcing/divorced" Did you do plan B before you went ahead with your Dv?

I thought you might want the links so you can see what I find out!

Jen

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