It’s been almost a year since I was here last, and I was hoping never to return <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> , at least not this way. Even though I received such wonderful advise from everyone, now I find myself in a place I hoped eight months ago I would never be in.
During the month of August 2002, I found my SO had been having a three month PA with a coworker (police officer) and we went through the horrible roller coaster ride everyone on this site talks about, God they were horrible, finally this past March we went on a cruise for my birthday, but atlast we did come home and she was waiting. After a horrible legal problem in April he asked her for help, she not only gave him a shoulder to cry on, but was his white knight and paid part of his legal expense! “WE” couldn’t afford that! We ended up having to even move! So to make a long story short, he moved me into my new apartment and HE moved in with her!

I don’t understand how some one could tell you, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he loves you move than life itself, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but with the same breath leave you?

This past Friday, he came over to talk (we have no children and have been together 9 years, he’s 42, I’m 34 and OW is 41) he stated, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he just couldn’t do this, he could leave me after 9 years!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He stated he has no idea what’s wrong with him? Why is he doing what he is doing?
He goes on to tell me, during our conversation that at one point he told the OW that I was pregnant <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> , he says he told her that to see if she would go on with her life? DOES THIS MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE!

My life is so utterly sad, I am a strong, business woman and can’t even focus on work! everyday I feel is a struggle, and after 9 years I am ALONE, I think that’s the worse part?

Can anyone give me advise, since I am now on a plan B, and there is no reason for contact where do I go next? Or do I just give up?
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ May 13, 2003, 03:38 PM: Message edited by: sad&lonely ]</small>

I am sorry you are in such a sad situation.

This is a man you have "been with" for 9 years but never married .... is this correct?

Let me ask you this .... if he did this to you after a 9 week relationship ..... how would you respond, and why?

Why did you and he never marry?

Pep

Pepperband,

We never married in the eyes of God, because I felt we were. I was so busy and we spoke about it every year, planned it every year and then the time just passed us by. We have been together before this happened for eight years and waited a year in a half to live together, and I honestly thought we would be together forever. I guess we all say that! He was my prince, and I was not in a hurry since everything was so right.

Peperband I do regret not marrying him, isn't that strange, after all "I" regret not being his wife, in the way I know our Lord wanted it to be!?!?

But your question about 9 weeks, I'm sorry but I don't understand? Why did you state nine weeks?

I've read so many of your answers this past year, and now when I'm so desperate you answer me <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Where is it that one turns to when you feel so all alone? Why does this happen to so many people?

How can they (him and OW) live with the knowledge " They've hurt someone so deeply?

People tell me to get over it, to go out and meet knew people! He's having a good time, why don't you?

And my response is always the same, "How can I, when my heart is breaking"?

"My heart is breaking."

I know it is. I'm sorry.

There is usually a reason people in long term relationships never marry. People will say ,"We were just like we were married anyway." .... but, it's not true. Living together is not married. It's make-believe. It's playing house. It's practicing. It's taking the other person for a test drive .... sometimes, until "someone better" comes along. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I think a man who lives long term with a woman outside marriage has a diminishing reason to ever marry her. (Women in this situation usually think the man has an increasing motivation to marry her ... it's NOT true!) It is a respect issue, I think. Marriage is a step that some men just will not make while they get the benifits of marriage (companionship and sex) without making the commitment. Taking a free ride, if you will allow it.

If you live with a man 9 years .... you tend to overlook some of his faults that might be detremental to YOU. You have a long term investment, and you might "put up with" a series of things you would never tolerate from someone you were only dating.

If you were dating this prince (9 weeks or so) and he treated you with this disrespect, you'd dump his a$$ pronto! But, here you are, having waited 9 years for him to commit .... and he betrays you, and is living with another woman.

My real question is this .... do you feel he is worthy of any more of your time?

Is being with a man who won't commit to you better than being alone? Why?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Dear Sad and Lonely,
I know you are really hurting tonight, and I've been there. I have 3 children, and when this happened to me, I felt like a robot, just getting up every day and going through the motions of life. It is hard to keep going when there is so much pain, but you have to. Is there a church where you can go to talk to someone? Do you have a good friend that you can call? It will help to talk about it, and every time you tell your story and feel the pain, it will help you. There are some good books out there that might help also I will pray for you. I wish I could have better advise for you. Take care.
KK
Let us know how you are doing.

sad & lonely

He's a police officer?

Maybe its the "place" where i'm at (husband with MLC along with about 6 of his best buddies) but i honestly think your sitch happens at a much higher rate among PO's. If anyone has statistics on affairs with coworkers ref PO's let me know please!

Maybe its their schedule, maybe its the skum they are forced to deal with daily or the fraternity atmosphere but its almost predictable. Its so sad, when we were happy the couples around us dropped like flies and i always thought i was above it all-- look at me know--he's been gone for 4 months!

"The job" is bigger than all of us! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It's not that he didn't want to commit, believe me it's not that, we were comfortable. I didn't even bring it up because we were comfortable!Even I was fine with the hole situation, I thought one day we would travel to Spain and get married just the two of us, I thought that would be unusual and romantic? How sad!

He's been with her (On and Off) since July 2002, she's always known about me, she divorced, a detective, has money (large inheritance) and lives well! Not to say we didn't, but hers is real wealth, not like ours! And they've made me go through hell and back, it's just appalling to me that this PERSON (OW) would take someone that after only knowing them for two months the roller coaster began, and <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> she's stood by him.

I'm sorry if I am rambling on, putting words to paper and knowing someone is listening and not judging really makes me feel a bit better! Even if only for a moment.

God everyday is a struggle, part of me wants to get on with my life, but a part I'm ashamed to say "wants to be US again", "wants to feel him close to me again", "wants to be loved, as I once was by him". <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

sad & lonely,

So he's not completely happy living with her now. Now he's coming to you, seeking compassion for his choices and expressing his REAL desire to be with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I'll bet the OW doesn't know about his visits with you. Is he perhaps trying to make YOU into the OW now that he is a live-in relationship with her? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You mentioned being in Plan B. Was this Plan B decision before or after his talk on Friday? I'm assuming the Plan B decision MUST have been after Friday since Plan B is supposed to avoid ALL contact. Did you write him a Plan B letter and tell him why you could no longer have contact with him? If not, get busy writing!!

Let him know you are NOT going to be his "OW". That you refuse a relationship that involves him "sneaking off" to see you. That until he moves out and ends ALL contact with the OW, including a NC letter, you can not continue to see or talk to him.

Nerlycrzy,

He's been in and out with her for over eight months, but has never left my side until two weeks ago. This is what’s strange:

Since D-Day he has always made it a point to choose me, even though after a month or so he finds a way to communicate with her and it seems they start over, New years day he started contact again until almost Valentines Day, he broke contact "ON" Valentines Day and it seemed to remain that way, until her Birthday or the legal problems in April. Since she helped him financially in April, and we needed to relocate to cut expenses he moved me into my new place and told me he felt he owed her and was going to try it out over there (YUK!!! THIS WAS TWO WEEKS AGO)

Last Friday, he called with regards to some bills and we met, he went on to say, he knew he was making a mistake and he loved me. I explained "that the man I loved had been gone for eight months now, and in his place a stranger, someone I didn't know and didn’t want to know!"
He then called me after almost three hours of talking in person and stated "Please don't loose hope, don't give up on me. The man you once knew will come back!"
What?

Then the following day, text messaged me "HI BEAUTIFUL!" but no calls, the following day was mothers day and I missed him terribly and YES! I CALLED HIM! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I just wanted to be comforted, but I know I was wrong, he is with her and I have to respect that. Since he was with her and treated me as though I had a disease you can catch! I was so upset I yelled at him that “everything he told me was a lie and now I was in her shoes!” I continued with "I don't want to hear from you ever again, we have no reason to communicate with each other!"

So nerlycrzy that is were I am at, no contact has been forced and I think a letter at this point would be mute, since it's obvious? Don't you!

God I am so thankful <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I have everyone on this site for support, because I think this depression will last forever!

<small>[ May 14, 2003, 11:07 AM: Message edited by: sad&lonely ]</small>

Sad&lonely,

No, I don't think a Plan B letter would be a mute point...IF you really mean it! I think it would let him know you mean it. That you are not just speaking out of anger and hurt. That you have given it considerable thought and have come to this as being the only possible solution. Read these Sample Plan B Letters and see if they can help you compose a letter that expresses your feelings.

Nerlycrzy,

Thank you, I don't know if I'm coming or going <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I just don't want him to think it's an excuse for having communication with him. I want to give THEM the respect THEY didn't give me! I leave it in God hands. I am trying to read as much as possible in bettering myself!

I'm sure you know it's easier said then done, since I miss him so terribly and since this is the FIRST TIME I've ever lived alone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Believe me, Marilyn,,,I DO KNOW!!!!

And remember,, YOU know your situation better than anyone else. Take ALL advice you receive (including mine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) and consider it, but YOU know what you can apply.

Please do read ALL parts on this site and the suggested books. They really are VERY helpful. Above all, be strong and hold yourself high. Don't settle for less than you deserve. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you!!!