I dunno where to start now. Deep breath .. I dunno if you know my story .. it's on here recently, or part of it is (I dunno how to do the 'link' stuff).

Brief outline: SO has affair with co-worker. He's a now successful businessman, owns a care home (where she worked for him as a cleaner/cook) and a property developer .. also a tenant of one of his flats .. also his brother's (read best mate) girlfriends best friend. I don't know what come first .. the relationship, the job, or the flat .. I don't consider it THAT important, but anyway, here's the background.

The girl concerned came from a 'rough' estate and has never really had a legitimate job. I'm not knocking that itself, I too had a 'difficult' upbringing (my SO too). However, I have always worked, loads of crappy jobs over the years, but now have a degree, a good job etc.

Ok, when I found out about the affair, I was shocked to say the least but the relationship had been awful (much down to me, I admit - getting my degree, a first-class too - meant I made sacrifices at the expenses of our relationship, and to be fair, I treated him like $hit really, really, and so he treated me likewise). So, when I found out, I considered it over .. even felt a sense of relief .. threw him out .. he moved in with her .. I got on with things. Blah, blah ... he wins me over and moves back home.

Since my last post ... I have NO LBing, things seem good. She leaves her job - my absolute major vent - (though of her own accord), and other staff (her friends now) are covering the work. I mentioned to SO he needs replacement staff and offer a few names. He says 'not just yet' which suggests her job is left open to return to. He knows I hated her working there .. (I think she's trying a Plan B!!)

BUT two big things happened this week ..

FRIDAY: I catch his car parked near her flat .. Ok he had lived with this girl, and because he got caught speeding last week he needed his driving license, so I thought 'ok, he 'might' be at her place looking for his driving license', so I say nothing until later that night when I withold sex after a great night out (yeah I know) which leads to an argument, at which point I mention seeing his car earlier. His response crippled me .. his car was NOT parked there because he was at her flat .. but can you believe this .. he was at the tanning (sunbed) shop, which he'd told me about. Yes, he had told me about going to a tanning shop, but I didn't 'click' as to where this shop was - cos I would have went mental! There are literally loads in the town where we live .. yet he chose this particular shop. I just couldn't get this, he said he'd told me where it was etc etc. I said this is a 'cover up' for your car being parked near her place.

SUNDAY: I just get a 'hunch' that he's with her. I was right. His car was in the pub car park opposite her place. I park my car on the top of her road, phone him and surprise, surprise, the phone is switched OFF and I get his voicemail. AFTER 20 MINS I WATCH HIM LEAVE HER HOUSE!!!! You can imagine I'm fuming, upset, shaking .. can hardly keep my foot on the pedals as I then watch the direction of his car. I figure he is going to the care home, so I drive there (5 mins away). 2 minutes after I get there, he turns up. I went ballistic .. he denies he was even there .. I went more ballistic. Next thing I am really assaulting him ( I am just NOT like this, I dunno what come over me) AND I broke my nail!!!!! Eventually he admits it .. he has been there (Uh, doh, my eyes aren't that bad).

HIS STORY: He admits she has been phoning him ... trivial reasons mostly .. but he insists, her boiler is broken (his excuse for being there) and he will have to get a new one.

After a long talk I say 'Are you still in love with her?' He says he dunno if he ever was and he loves me more than the world. I say 'Irrelevant [to me] whether you were or not, but how do you feel now', He says he feels very guilty about her situation .. this I understand. He took her from 'rags to riches' and pulling the plug on her home, her job etc (which I constantly insisted upon) .. was realistically impossible. She has threatened suicide, so I recognise it isn't easy for him ... she relied on him for everything . transport, money (wages) etc

Up until this point, I was more concerned about them working together, but obviously (if I believe his story) the flat is more significant. I said if your contact now is merely down to the flat, she has to go and find a new place to live. This girl has no money. She's on benefits. So, nothing for a deposit even, he's getting less rent on this place than it's worth because of the limit that benefits pay. With no kids she has no chance of the local council housing her, she is unlikely to get something in a nice area even with a private landlord. My suggestion, holy ****, was that he gives her some money to pay a 'bond' on a new place to help her find something else. He agreed that it was in her best interests anyway .. and will talk to her about it. (Have I just give them license for time together, 'flat-hunting' even?????)

I'm just about worn out with all this ...

On one hand, I have my SO doing brilliantly at home, we just had a fantastic holiday .. more importantly the little things are good too. Like taking me out for lunch/dinner often, telling me how important I am to him, phoning just to ask how my day is, and just generally making an effort .. just being everything I want really. I see the efforts he is making towards me.. how he wants me involved with his future projects (working for him/together). He talks about OUR future all the time, wants ME to run his new business venture.

On the other hand, his consumed guilt (apparently), is making him do these other things. I feel like I can't trust him as far as I could spit.

I understand why she would wanna try and hang onto him (he's an incredible guy) and it took me all this to realise it. I have told him, I just want MY fella back. You are MY guy, I don't want things 'normal', to how they were, I want them enviably fabulous. I know they can be, but $hit this is soooooooo difficult. Deep down I KNOW I'm his No. 1 but I don't want a No. 2 to deal with. I have tried to throw him out (several times), told him I'll move out (several times) - I get no, no no. He just says we will get through this .. with patience

I dunno whether his good behaviour ( which I haven't seen in many years) is true and honest OR whether it's a different kind of cover-up for an affair.

Please throw your thoughts on this .. it's nearly a full-time job for me, I think about little else!

Tough call!

Here's a suggestion:

If he's really set on helping her resolve her problem....Have the brother and his girlfriend step in and help her look for a place. If he feels he needs to provide financial help(going above and behond if you ask me)make sure she knows there is a limit, maybe a set amount and no more!

There's a few issues you have to keep in mind first she will milk this for as long as he lets her so if he seems unable to set a limit you may need to help with that!

Second the whole brother helping out with the search is more for your satisfaction than keeping them apart. Remember if they really want to see each other their are going to do it regardless.

And finally BEWARE. Trust cautiously, protect your heart for a while! And PLAN A 'till the cows come home!

HI , I don't have any words of wisdom for you , I just was blown away by your post cause I am in very simalar situation . and I also did not want you to get no responses .

I will offer you this as a start , stop the obsession with them , thinking about it morning , noon , and night will kill you fast .

LET him know how you feel , calmly and then let him know that you can not be to patience , because you love him and it will hurt to much knowing he is any where near her .

AND as far as his guilt for her , well can't help ya only can tell you my WS says same thing .

AND made those same changes and I to have the same questions are the changes to cover the A now that it was exposed the first time . ??

I still have not got those answers , but by the wisdom of some great people here WORK on living your life . MAKE yourself happy for you .

GET a PLAN and stick to it , draw a line in the sand and be strong .

TAKE care of you and read around here it helps .

Thank you Crunchie,

I sooooo appreciate your views and concern,

This a mental situation, but his brother will look out for him. in the same way my friends would stand by me (no matter what!). Me and his brother are not close (he is closer to his girlfriend's friend) That said, I have spoken to his brother about this and he thinks/knows that me and SO could be/will be/have been, a good partnership. He knows his brothers standards, he really knows he done wrong ... but he's his brother and best friend.

As for the amount of money .. financially it would cost a few hundred quid (worth every penny), cos' emotionally it's costing the earth.

Does anyone else agree the answer is realistically 'paying her off' ????

I worried she'll find something else to play off his emotions with .. I'm just confused at the minute

The $$$ is more to releive his guilt than paying her off. She always gonna want more, so there has to be a limit ahead of time! Just so he can't use guilt as a motive to continue contact!

As for the brother, your SO should be the one asking for the help! Not you.

Sit together and come up with ways to eliminate the need for contact! He has to want to NC. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thank you 3,

Was typing while you were, I think.. Been following your story, but never commented cos I couldn't offer any advice. Hope it works out for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Generally I'm doing the 'nice' stuff, but so is he ... go figure

Harsh this is, it took an affair to realise what he meant to me .. and when I wanna make things right .. there are obstacles I didn't envisage ..

I feel like $hit when I think of the things I've done/said. I'm ashamed of myself.

Harsh lesson this is indeed!!!

bump

Sorry but i am not as nice as the others on this board. He should not be helping her with ANYTHING! He is married to YOU, so whatever money he is giving her is YOUR MONEY TOO! Yes he feels guilty understandable. But he is sucking you into his guilt. Everyone is feeling sorry for the OW but she knew he was married, she knew that sooner or later the well would run dry! Her playing the victim is only doing more damage to your marriage. Giving her money/housing/material's is another excuse to keep this other relationship alive at the expense of your marriage. When he wants to end contact he will, and he won't do that until he faces the consequences of his actions. And he hasn't lost anything so where would the need come for him to stop. You can continue Plan A but sooner or later the BANK HAS TO CLOSE.

Question:

Where you reside, do you read much about such things like ... sexual harrassment lawsuits? ... or... Illegal termination of employment lawsuits?

Did he possibly break the law when he fired his worker/girlfriend?

This can be tricky.

I suggest you consider hiring an attorney (solicitor) to see where this mess has left you legally.

YIKES! Wouldn't that just be pee in your cheerios! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I think it's better to be certain, before this financial assistance goes any further. Maybe, she's blackmailing him????

Good luck.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thanks for the responses

trying24give : He just doesn't wanna end contact. I know, I know .. actually I don't know anymore, I don't know anything anymore .. Ask me my name, I think I'd have look for some ID first ..

Pepper : He broke no employment rules, she left of her own accord, her job hasn't even been filled (meaning it's left open for her, I presume <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )

I dunno why he came home, time for Plan B perhaps ..