h4f,

Have seen you around much lately. Hope things are going well for you.

I'm doing well for the most part, but today is a rough day. It's my 7th wedding anniversary, but feels like just another day.

I was wondering if I could get your take on a recent post of mine.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=023752

sad dad

<small>[ May 18, 2003, 08:15 AM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

SD ..... You may wish to mark this day in some way that has personal meaning to you. It's useless to deny your feelings. If you're sad, there you are. You can embrace this day as a special day that (eventually) led to having your beautiful child.

Celebrate what was, and grieve what is no more.

I am sorry you are feeling so low. It must hurt like hell.

Pep

Hi Saddad, yup I'm still around. H and I check the board almost every day...I just don't post often. Spring is my favorite time of year...H and I have been landscaping and he finally made it out to the field this week (and has been there all weekend!!).

Today must be a very difficult day for you. But know that tomorrow will be better. I did follow your other post previously, but didn't have much to say about it. I think reality is pissing her off, and I think it's great. Us WS's get in to a horribly selfish state of mind and just want everyone else to accept things that way. Much like it's not okay to indulge spoiled children, I think it's good for a WS to get a splash of cold water from time to time.

But YOU are doing great. You're acting out of reason and rationale, and looking out for yourself and your daughter...and not at the expense of anyone. So life will get much MUCH better for you, and soon.

I've told you this before...and it may seem trite...but do something nice for yourself today. Set up an appointment to go somewhere you want to go, or buy yourself something you've put off. Whatever it is that helps you to feel better until this day passes. Allow yourself to hurt....just don't allow yourself to quit.

You're doing great. Hang in there!!!

Pepper,

All in all, yesterday wasn't a bad day. It just didn't have any significance anymore, which is sad. Thanks.

h4f,

Shame on you for making your H work all weekend. Spring may be time to do some work outside, but it's also a good time for us guys to sit in our favorite chair with a beer in one hand, the remote in the other and watch baseball. If your H is anything like me he probably does too much of that.

Speaking of baseball, I am doing something fun for myself. Some buddies and I are heading north (we're from Chicago) to the Brewers game tonight. Isn't that your neck of the woods?

Regarding my W, yes, she did get slapped with reality and didn't like it much, but I'm only looking out for myself and trying to make the best of a bad situation. Another thing that may have contributed to my W's anger is that based on our 50/50 custody agreement, our incomes being close and the fact that we've split all childcare costs equally since we separated, my lawyer doesn't feel CS is warranted, and said as much in her letter to my W's lawyer. Again, a shock to my W's delusions that she would have some big payday coming her way.

My W is a very smart woman, but she seems so in the dark as to how this would actually turn out.
That mystifies me, but as you said, many WS's get in that selfish state of mind and their thinking and rationale is so skewed..

As of last week, my W still hadn't provided my lawyer with her financials, for whatever reason. I think I may need to get together with my W and talk about that and let her know where I stand re: her settlement proposal. WAT gaves me some good advice a while back. He said it's time to show my W some tough love (don't save her from the consequences of her actions at my expense), protect myself and stand up for what I think is fair and right.

Thanks,

sad dad

Standing up for yourself is probly not what your wife bargained for. I think that WS's tend to view Plan A as the BS being a doormat and willing to do whatever will make them happy. I think it's VERY good to get a different impression of that.

FOR THE RECORD!!! Hubby was outside all weekend planting corn! It's been raining all spring here...which is GREAT considering the huge dry spell we've had over the last couple of years...but it's also prevented him from getting in our crops! No crops mean no income this year! Taint cool! So yes...he was out all weekend and we didn't complain. It rained again last night and we still have 80 acres or so to go. Atleast something is in!

Hubby, thankfully, ISN'T a sports nut...nor am I...so when we do spend the weekend playing it's usually out digging and planting and weeding and picking. We like it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Anyway, have a great week! I'm late for work!

Just followed up on some of your recent posts and I think you are handling the situation very well. Without being spiteful, you are protecting your interests in a serious proceeding which she initiated. I think you should pursue your rights and entitlements under the law.

As for some procedural issues, if W is not producing documents that are discoverable, your lawyer can file a Motion to Compel Production of Documents and possibly a Motion for Sanctions (I'm sure she knows about this and is simply trying to get the documents without a court order). This usually gets the other side to respond. After reading some more of your posts, it sounds to me that your W's lawyer is dropping the ball. Perhaps he/she doesn't know what they are doing, is too busy to do the work or too lazy. That your W would accuse your lawyer of lying about sending letters is ridiculous, and my best guess is that her lawyer never told her about the letters until after your recent conversation with her. That's why she wanted the email address so she didn't have to admit that you were right.

I would definitely prefer to hear you and your W were trying to make the M work, but if she isn't willing, I want to see you work out a fair financial result good for you and your D. Hang in there.

RBJ2,

Both my lawyer and I have questioned the competence and experience of my W's lawyer. My lawyer entered an order last week for a court appearance on 6/20 for the purpose of discovery and other issues. I assume if by that time my W hasn't produced the financials, my lawyer will have the judge intervene by filing a motion as you described. I too am hoping it doesn't come to that, but it may be necessary.

I think my W chose to email me because she's become a big time conflict avoider. I thought it was a cowardly way to handle it, but then again I emailed her back instead of calling her, so who am I to talk. I plan on getting together with my W soon to air some of this out. There are issues that need to be addressed. I don't expect us to agree on anything, but I'd like the chance to get some things off my chest and find out why she still hasn't provided her financials.

I never wanted this and wish it didn't have to get to this point, but now I've got to do what I have to to protect myself and my daughter.

Thanks,
sad dad

h4f,

Just wanted to update you on the latest. My W and I had a long talk last week. There were some issues that I thought needed to be addressed, namely my position on CS, her relationship with OM (long over but still no admission) and her failure to comply with discovery. Nothing was resolved, but I didn't expect it to be. It was simply a chance to address issues we've both been avoiding and let her know where I stand. She did tell me she gave her lawyer her financials 4 weeks ago, but I'm not sure that's true. I won't bore you with the details. I did find out today from someone in my lawyer's office that I've been served with discovery (it's about time, this should have been done before the settlement proposal). Both my W and I have to appear for depositions next month for financial stuff. I'm not concerned since I have nothing to hide.

Getting back to my talk with my W last week. There was alot of blame be passed around on her part and alot of feeling sorry for herself. I told her we need to get on with our lives. She said what life, she doesn't have a life, she's got no friends, she's got nothing, yada, yada, yada.. Much of that is true and she was crying quite a bit. She's miserable and although I could see it coming, I hate seeing her like that.
She's a broken woman. I know she made her own bed so to speak, but it's still disheartening. She's a good person and deserves to be happy, but she appears more unhappy than ever, and truth be told, since I'm no longer a part of her life, she can't blame me for that. It's such a waste that we both had to go through all of this and she's worse off than ever. If she were with the OM or happy on her own, at least I could say it was worth it in a strange sense. Seems she's beginning to hit bottom and I've got let that happen. It's the only way she'll pick herself up, take accountability for where she's at and do anything about it. What a helpless feeling.

sad dad

<small>[ June 03, 2003, 09:56 PM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

The way you describe your feelings seeing your WW in the state she is in, is proof for your big heart. You must be emotionally a bit in a strange place - validated of sorts because relationship with OM turned sour, but sorry to see her like it is, at the same time trying not to feel anything as you are moving on.

I looks like you are a couple of months ahead compared to me - one question: could you imagine being together with her again as a family? not at all, or only under certain conditions? which conditions?

Cheers, N

Nick,

I was sorry to see that you're moving out. Seems you really are getting the short end.

I must admit I'm glad things didn't work out with her and OM. I want her to be happy, just not with him. Honestly, I think he was just a byproduct of a much bigger problem within herself that she refuses to acknowledge or deal with.

Yes, I could see us being a family again, but not unless she were willing to really deal with the root cause of her unhappiness. If it's me or our marriage, then we try MC. If it's something within her, then she tries IC. You may recall we tried MC for a short period 2+ yrs ago, but that was as her EA was picking up steam and was futile.
I've encouraged her a few times to seek IC. She never outright refused and even told me she was thinking about it 6 months ago, but to the best of my knowledge, that was it. IMHO, she's affraid to open the door to something she doesn't want to face. That's her choice, but I think it would be very helpful. The only one that can help her is her and that won't happen until she hits bottom, if ever. I can't wait for that to happen. I've got a life to live and I've got to find my own happiness.

sad dad

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 08:53 AM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>