Hi,
I just read H_2's thread about lonliness. You know, I really thought I had true love for OW and I probably do, but it was lonliness of only seeing her 2 times a week that drove me to end it. I realized I needed to be more in her life and not on the outside, its been 1.5 years and I have never seen her home or her 2 daughters. So I decided to end it because I was lonely and took a backseat to her life, she didn't treat me as an equal, only when we were together. I was tired of trying to believe I was happy with the cell phone relationship. When every night I was cooking my own dinner, eating it alone and going to bed alone...she isn't really there for me and I have to get real.

I saw OW yesterday and she screamed at me for lying to her about filing my divorce and seeing my wife and talking about her moving back in. OW was screaming and aggressive and I told her to leave. Its over. Now I am talking with wife and navigating that minefield. We had a difficult past which makes this reuniting doubly hard. I will let go of OW and try to work on the marriage. I am scared.

Blah

It's all about you, isn't it.

It will not be easy, but it will get better. I know from experience.

You have made the right decision. I'm just not sure if it is for the right reasons.

Peace to you and your wife as you try to repair the damage that has been done in your marriage.

Susan

<small>[ May 18, 2003, 10:04 AM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

Thanks for the support Susan.

Pepper- I have had enough of your put-downs, you must have and inferiority complex if you feel the need to belittle others who are TRYING to change.

Blah .... no "put down" was sent. I am making an honest observation, based on your previous posts, as well as this one. It is all about you.

4/27

"Just yesterday my OW wanted to split up because my separated (she thinks almost divorced, I lied) wife called my cell phone."

5/1

"My OW had walked out on me last Saturday. My wife had give me a final ultimatum and I had been tired of my affair."

5/2

"I believe I love my OW, and I don't believe I can really love my wife anymore."

5/3

"My OW just found out I didn't file my divorce/ What should I do? I feel like such a fool, abandoned, used"

Are you seeing a counselor? You need some personal therapy. You are so mixed up. It is all about you. This is NOT a put down ... see for yourself. Re-read what you've shared so far on MB.

You cannot think straight. Your decision-making mechanism is on the fritz.

I see no reason you should trust yourself to make smart decisions right now.

Please, get some help in real life.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pepper,
I appreciate your concern, and I have been in counseling since I met my wife, thanks for asking. You are simply telling me you don't believe me or trust me, thats ok, you can do that. I don't like communicating with people like you, who think they know everything and have all the answers, because you don't. I don't like feeling on the defensive and having to prove everything. I do have problems yes and so does every human being on earth, If my life was going better right now I would not have need to post on this site and frankly you tend to drive me away from it. Stop trying to disourage me, I don't need it. Give your negative thoughts to someone who wants them. Thanks for trying anyway.

Blah

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blah34:
<strong>Hi,
...and took a backseat to her life, she didn't treat me as an equal, only when we were together ...she isn't really there for me and I have to get real.

I saw OW yesterday and she screamed at me for lying to her ... OW was screaming and aggressive and I told her to leave. Blah</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She showed you her TRUE COLOURS, didn't she. She was just another actress in the ongoing saga of attacks on Marriages.
Fortunately for you, you have seen the light and ARE working to restore your Marriage and make things right!
I applaud you.
May the Lord bless you and your Wife!
Harold

What you did was hard, I know, and you deserve congratulations. However, don't expect to be out of the battle with OW yet; there are likely to be more scenes in this play. Time to strengthen your resolve.

Blah

Well done - irrespective of the reasons you choose to end it with OW, you did the right thing. As I said to you before, OW isn't all that great is she? The way she treated you confirmed that. I don't know and can't answer whether your W is greater or not (in terms of what you believe) but I can tell you she deserves better, and is she is willing to work with you to see if your M can be recovered, well, actually in my book that makes her a great person.

Get into MC as soon as you can. Have you got SAA yet? Blah, we have talked about you giving this your all for 6 months. Please do that whole-heartedly and put OW aside. You owe it to your W and to yourself. I can't see into the future and know whether your M will work out or not. But I know that you can try really really hard to see. Direct your energy and attention to your M and not to OW. AMMartin is right too about OW - it wouldn't surprise me if you haven't heard the last of her. Have you written her a NC letter with the help of your W? Perhaps that is the first thing to do with your W to prove you mean business.

I wish you well - it will be a rocky road, but you have made the first positive steps.

Lisa

P.S. Pep is right about it being about you. Time now to be about your M and your W.

What you did was hard, I know, and you deserve congratulations

hmmmm AM I don't know if I would go this far. Blah, I was hoping to read your post about how you knew that W is who you wanted to be with and that you chose not to be with OW just because. Instead, IMHO, I was disappointed because you only seem to want to be with W because you lied to OW about filing your divorce and because OW is making you feel lonely because she doesn't want to show you her whole life. Is that little violin out there playing somewhere for pity for poor Blah?
OK BLAH, now that I have hit you with a 2x4, I am glad you ended it with OW. It sounds to me like it was totally for selfish reasons which makes me think it is not really over, so Lisa in London is right- would you be willing to do a NC letter? This is a very important step and one that must not be broken. SO if you are really serious about your marriage, prove Pep and me and anyone else beating you up (metaphorically speaking) wrong and get to work- most importantly on yourself- remember Blah, it isn't really supposed to be all about you.

This is a big first step, blah. You have done the right thing. AMM is right about the OW. She is not through with you yet, so be wary. She has been using you for HER benefit. She is not concerned about your pain, or she would not have strung you along like she has.

Be strong. Work diligently on NC. Concentrate on your M and grad school.

Come here whenever you feel like you are about to cave in and contact her or answer when she calls.

Best wishes,
Estes

PS: It is typical of a person involved in an affair to be 100% self-centered, hence the comments about this being all about you. Now that you have told OW to stay away, you can turn your thoughts toward your wife and your relationship with her. I think you will feel very relieved.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blah34:
<strong>
I appreciate your concern, and I have been in counseling since I met my wife, thanks for asking. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you probably didn't mean it that way, but that line made me laugh out loud. Were the two events related? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Listen, the pain of the hurt spouse gets a lot of play around here and is respected. I don't think a lot of spouses who've been betrayed really understand what it's like to be on the other side, and that pain isn't as well understood.

I know how bloody confusing the whole thing is. A few months ago, honest to god, I was so mixed up about everything I couldn't even pick a restaurant if someone said "let's go out to lunch." That whole time period was that bewildering and disorientating.

You're making progress. Little steps, maybe, but at least you're walking in the direction you chose.

<small>[ May 18, 2003, 06:30 PM: Message edited by: wiegee ]</small>

What you did was hard, I know, and you deserve congratulations

This isn't due congratulations, a high-5 or a paton the back. I understand that is was hard but doing the right thing often is. I don't think we deserve congratulations for doing what is expected of us.

Now comes the hard part. You can heal your marriage and help your lovely wife to heal also. Join hands and walk together down this road.

This post was edited because I came accross like an A$$ the first time.

<small>[ May 18, 2003, 08:19 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

Blah,
just try to avoid ow at all costs, don't call her, don't answer her calls, don't talk to her, look at her, nothing! If you love your wife, tell everything now, don't leave the bad parts out.
Affairs are selfish, it's all about us ,then we break up, it's all about our pain. I wallowed in self pity for two years, don't waste your time.
If you need to post instead of talking to her, then do that, I'm serious, this is so hard but you can do it.

Thank you all for being there to listen as I stumbled so many times and fell even more. Well I knew it would be hard. I spent the day with the wife and we had some nice times, with lots of talking(some little fighting) about the affair and us and our plans. Then she wanted to start moving her stuff to my place. I told her we need to talk about having boundaries(something we never did before) and how difficult this is going to be for us. She wants to change some things right away and emotions are running high...well we had a big fight and she had a big drama and carried all the bags she moved in downstair and threatened to take a cab home. We were able to talk some more but generally fought more. Its tough becase I know we love each other and want to work it out, but we need to break our old abusive patterns, on top of all the pain she has and guilt I have over the affair. I am in no condition to help her with her behavior right now, its hard enough for me to keep mine in-check. This is all true folks, I am not giving a watered-down WH version here. She needs a place to live now, otherwise I would rather not have her move in so fast, I think it is hard for both of us. I suggested she seek counseling. I know I will need to be more understanding of her than she is of me, but it has to be within reason. It is way harder than I ever thought. Thank you all again.

Blah,

Thank you for the constructive criticism. I will pay more attention to my tone.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pepper,
Thanks for being there. I seem to always forget that my welfare is linked to others. I need to get back on the spiritual path that used to be my foundation...I have lost it and replaced it with the fullfilment of selfish desires.

Pepper -- Thank YOU for being open to criticism. In my experience, most people aren't.

<small>[ May 20, 2003, 01:21 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

"and replaced it with the fulfillment of selfish desires."

We've all done this. I remember it well! It is a suck-y place to be, but there is always a turn-around available.

You will find a better joy that awaits. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with me.

Take care.
Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

you need to reread these posts to see where you were and where you are now.

You are on confused mixed up person.

you need to get some help for yourself. see
a professional councellor to help you with your
problems.

people keep giving you good advice but you ignore it all. I think people will start ignoring your posts you are NOT listening. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />