I'm the one who is having a "so called" affair. I have had a good friend that has given me support and encouragement for sometime now. We have worked together that is how we met. I have respect for his opinions and nothing happend while I worked there and nothing has happened since. We carpooled and joked alot and he and his wife and me and my husband enjoy alot of the same hobbies. We are both honest with each other and can talk about anything. I guess after I read "his Needs, her needs...I realized that i was haveing this affair. I guess I was just naive to think that a man and a woman could be friends. Until three months ago we both openly admitted to each other what has been on our minds for sometime. How easy it is for us to talk, laugh and enjoy being together no matter what event we were at. I have been married for 20 years and have not been unfaithful except in my heart. I guess I am contemplating ending my marriage to pursue a life either with my friend or by myself. I don't care if my friend and I ever get together...i feel i could go it alone. I would like to hear if this is something anyone else has gone through or am I the only one.

Forgotten One-

I can assure you that you're not the only one on these forums in this particular situation. If you stick with it, you'll find the answers you're looking for here. From what you've described, you were involved in a emotional affair (EA).

Are you sure you want to leave your M? And further, are you sure the reason you're considering leaving it is NOT because of this other person? IMO this relationship with your friend has a very small chance of ever turning into anything true and meaningful, especially if there was deceit involved. Good luck with this and be careful with your decisions as your life will be affected by this in a big way regardless of what you decide. God Bless!

<small>[ May 19, 2003, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: litchfield ]</small>

forgotton one,
you're in fogville, means you can't see cause your head's up your butt! You're talking fog
language too, like when you say "so called affair", and you and om are so honest with each other. Nothing about an affair is honest, if that were true, we wouldn't hide it from our spouse.
Do you have children and does he have children
and if you do ,have you stopped to think what this will do to them?
Does you husband have a clue? Don't you think after 20 years he deserves more than this?
How long has it been going on? The thing is, friends don't do this to each other and right now I know you think hes perfect, but he really isn't
as good as what you got at home. I told myself
the same things you are, that I would go it alone, didn't think I wanted to be married, it was all because of the affair.
You have to think about your family, this takes away from them and affects and hurts them.

I read your post with a shudder -- that something so evil could seem so pleasurable and "right". "Not Just Friends" is a new book on adultery which can give you some insight. The enjoyment of an affair can create a sense that there is a bad marriage. Do you want to hurt your spouse of 20 years because of the joy you get in this friendship?

<small>[ May 20, 2003, 04:02 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Thank you for your replys...I understand what I feel is wrong and am confused by my feeling for the OM...I have concern for my marriage and my family that is why I am posting here. I would appreciate constuctive critisim on how to move beyond where I am at and back to my marriage. I have been married 20 years and have two children who are 18 and 16. In a few years they will be on their own. I fear being alone in my marriage. I have purchased and read His needs, her needs and am trying to figure out where to go from here. I realize the connection I have with the OM is because we have been filling each others love banks..becase our spouses have negleted certain emotional needs we have. We no longer work together and feel alone now that we do not have that daily contact. I need help to move beyond this and help my husband realize my emotional needs are important to me and how he can help fill the love bank in his favor. Thank you for your concern but please only constructive critisim...no personal attacks on my charater. I am still a feeling person and do want what's best for my family.

You wrote

<strong> &#8230; and do want what's best for my family. </strong>

That's the key point, isn&#8217;t it? You want the best for your family. Great. But - rest 100% assured, by continuing your affair, you're hurting and destroying your family, and that's surely not 'the best for your family'. What you WANT doesn&#8217;t matter. It's your ACTIONS that define the outcome. I had the same argument with my wife. She kept on saying "I don&#8217;t want to hurt you", "I want the best for yoU". I told her, it's the same as dropping a book and saying "I really want this book to fly to the ceiling". Great wish, but forget it. The fact that you drop the book is reality, not your wish.

So, the bottom line is: Find out what you want. Then act accordingly. And bear the consequences of your actions - be it by going it alone, moving to OM, or staying with your husband. Given such a daunting choice, most wayward tend to do the logical thing - not to decide. This is a ticking time bomb and doesn&#8217;t help you to reach an outcome, it's merely prolonging the agony for all involved

Best regards,
Nick

<small>[ May 20, 2003, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

At some point, you are going to need to improve the communication with your H in order to repair your marriage. Of course, there is no guarantee that both you and your H will have the perseverance and fortitude to do the work needed to bring your marriage back to the level you desired, but I think most people would find it within themselves to at least acknowledge that it is worth trying.

Assuming that desire to recover is strong enough, I would take a look at what communications mistakes there have been in the past and present. Take what HNHN and combine that with how the two of you relate. And then try to work out a "how to get there, from here" plan. You may need help with that last part, and you might consider going to a counselor for that.

I think the toughest part will be understanding that both of you will probably want the same end-goal, but that communications issues and unwillingness to change will be the big killers.

There's tons more specifics, but not much point in going into them if this all sounds like bunk to you.

Honesty is the best policy. Honey, I've falled in love with OM. I am scared. I want our marriage to work. Will you go to MC with me?

I am trying to rebuild what we once had between my husband and me. But communication is difficult. I have listend to the QS tape and requested that he do the same...We began to discuss the items on the tape but He feels that according to the tape that nothing is wrong. How do I rebuild our communication. I would not have been attracked to the OM if everything was ok between us. I tryed to convey this to him but it is difficult. I feel that we are being drawn in different directions. I feel helpless and if things don't change between us...I will have to decide what I want in life.

"But communication is difficult."

Sure is, especially if YOU are not 100% truthful with your husband .... You said, "How do I rebuild our communication?"

Start by telling him about your feelings for the OM. If you are hiding your true self from your husband, don't complain that you aren't communicating.

Have you told your husband what you have said here? or do you only leave hints?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

forgotten one so many folks that end up leaving their spouses because of the ol' 'grass is greener on the other side' beleif end up regretting their decision, because they often find out that it simply isn't so. Your marriage MAY or MAY NOT have a future, BUT you won't know that for sure until you do everything in your power to turn it into the kind of marriage you want. Even if the worst case scenario comes to pass (divorce), you can safely move on with your life without being haunted by any 'What If?', AND you will have learned a lot about what you want in a relationship and how to maintain it once you have it. So for your wellbeing and your loved ones, give it your best.

Just curious: why the name "Forgotten One"?