Just curious. I realize an affair causes a lot of pain and that everyone deals w/ it in his or her own time frame. How long did it take the BSs w/ kids to set this anger aside in order to deal w/ child care issues?

My FMM has visitation w/ his daughter 3 days out the week (72 hours). His schedule however has changed. Thus of the 72 hours he has to work 36 of them. He called and requested a change of days. She is currently not employed. He explained that he had to work and baby would be w/ me.

She stated she had no intention of being flexible w/ him at all. Even if you were still angry at X and FOW wouldn't you rather your child have visits on your x's off days so he could spend more time w/ the baby? I even had to take off work early this past Thursday - 6 hours to accomodate this - not that I am complaining as I adore her and we had a great time. It is just that he has to work the 12 hour shifts, not to mention he sleeps some of those hours so the amount of actual quality time he spends is reduced dramatically.

I appreciate any experiences especially from FBS dealing w/ an X and FOW in re the children. Thanks. tew

Honestly! Tew, I would have worked the schedule to try to make sure that they NEVER had any alone time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ...

I would have wanted to inconvenience them as much as possible. Pretty petty, eh?

On the other hand, yeah, I'd have rather scratched her eyes out than had her around my kids... so I probably would change things around 'cause I wouldn't have wanted her to have my kids alone. Again, pretty petty.

Finally... my mom and dad have been divorced over thirty years. Stepmom and Dad celebrating 29 or 30 years of marriage... and STILL there is acrimony... bitter words... and they take petty stabs @ each other... THIRTY YEARS! Hard to believe... but true.

Cali

As my FWH and I are still together, I can't really say what I would do. After he told me of his A, I kicked him out, but NEVER kept him from his kids! BUT, if he was still with a OW, I don't think I could stand it if she spent time with my kids!!! Although it may not be the right thing to do, put yourself in her shoes... how would you feel about the woman who helped destroy your life bonding with your kids??? Give his XBW some time to heal her wounds... they REALLY HURT!!!

But, IMHO, this is really not your issue... this is between your FMM and his ex! The more you try to get involved, the more you will probably p*ss her off. The fact that you want to spend time with his child is nice, but too much pressure might give his ex the impression that you are trying to replace her as mommy... and you can't do that... not ever!

I hope that everything works out for ALL of you.

-mcnyh

just like their marriage, this is none of your business. it's between mother and father, neither of which is you! don't you think you've pushed yourself into her life enough yet? this is something that should be worked out between the two of them, and you have no place there, much as you'd like to tell yourself you do.

this woman has the right to worry about your character. you chose to get involved with a man knowing he was married, which doesn't show the highest of values. it's the same as knowing your ex is dating a thief, or a drunk. she has the right to be concerned,

and while i'd hope that someday she can put aside her bitterness for the kids, you've got no right to question her pain. you both caused it, so now deal with her unwillingness to work with you.

<small>[ May 20, 2003, 08:25 AM: Message edited by: kristawny ]</small>

Well

If I were HIM I would take responsibility...to "visit my children" and expect and rely only on ME to do that....
If I were HIM I would forgo sleep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
If I were him I would quit my job and find another that lets me be with my children
If I were HIM I would move mountains to be with my daughter..all by myself...

I would never choose my job over my children....

You did ask...and I realize that my response will seen as *****y and mean...
but it is the truth...I would never put myself in any type of situation that the result could be visiting my own children....

As captain Kirk often said...the needs of many outweigh the needs of few...

cheesy wisdom...... perhaps....
but YOU asked....

ARK

Cali,
Hi. How've you been? Thirty years, WOW! That is a long ime.

mc,
I agree this is not really "my" issue. However, she often refuses to speak w/ him thus she has decided for contact to go through me. I would never try to "replace" her mommy. My baby is 9 and I need no more. I will care fore her to the best of my ability when she is in my care.

krista,
Again I agree it should be between them. The XW chooses to involve me. Obviously she is not too concerned about my character as she would rather leave child w/ me than rearrange the schedule to accomodate his off days. I do not initiate contact at all. She initiates it.

ark,
He does take responsibility. He pays CS (has since separation), is never late, pays more than required, and there is not even an Order in place.

He has been to Court 4 times in the last year to ensure maximum time w/ his daughter. We have Court again in July to get schedule formally changed. He has to work. We live in a small town. Jobs are scarce. He makes more money than me that is why it is more feasible for me to take off to be w/ the baby. His friend even covered for him for 4 hours each night so he could come home and play w/ the baby. I have legal training and prepare all his briefs, Motions, Answers, and Responses - plus drafted the Parenting Plan which is also why I am involved.

This is not a father that sleeps away his visits. Even though he worked all those hours we still managed to take her to the park, the zoo, and church. He bathed her and helped me w/ her potty training. He is a great father and very hands on.

I know an EMR causes pain. However, it still would seem to me the XW should prefer her child come to the house on her FWS;s off days rather than leave the baby w/ the OW. tew

Ex-wife's thinking, "He didn't make my life easy, so why should I help to accomodate his". She is still carrying resentment and hurt and she is using whatever she can to try to hurt him too. Only time will help her heal, not his or your trying to understand it. Take the lesson - There are consequences for your actions.

tryingto,
You are right. In a recent conversation she made almost that exact comment "He hurt me so I want him o know what it feels like".

I know she is angry. I just have always made it a practice to set aside my anger for the sake of my kids. Case in point: My daughter (9)'s father is currently several months behind in CS. He has never legitimated her, thus he has no legal right to see her. Yet, no matter how many times he has gotten behind, I have NEVER denied him a chance to see her.

In fact, yesterday was only the second time he has asked to see her this year. She did not want to go. Yet, I encouraged her to do so, even took her out of school an hour early to accomodate his schedule. He bought her 7 outfits and a pair of tennis shoes (a gift). Yet, I added up the price on all the tags and will reduce his CS arrearage by the amount - even though I am not obligated to do so.

Yes, I am angry he is a lousy father. in a way, I guess that is why I resent his XW's attitude as she does not realize how lucky she is to have him as her daughter's father. He goes above and beyond, yet she still tries to make everything so difficult.

Hopefully in time, this too shall pass. tew

Glad he takes responsibility...then he and you should have no expectation except for wife to comply to court appointed visitation which she does...

I guess that is why I resent his XW's attitude as she does not realize how lucky she is to have him as her daughter's father. He goes above and beyond, yet she still tries to make everything so difficult.

I know an EMR causes pain. However, it still would seem to me the XW should prefer her child come to the house on her FWS;s off days rather than leave the baby w/ the OW.

The truth is that you don't even come close to imagining the pain....it's so obvious by your shouldn't she just get over it attitude...
like the child is young...so how did it play out...wife was pregnant during your affair...wife had just given birth..during the affair...

or affair going on before pregnancy..he gets her pregnant...and then leaves her....wife is now a single mom....what every married pregnant woman dreams of...

or did she get fat, have a lot of hair..never enough time for a brazilian wax job with the new baby....and a bad hair cut?

and money paid on time doesn't make a good dad...never has never will...news flash if he still lived in the home ALL of his money would go to his family....

All people betrayed by infidelity should be as gracious just as you are I guess...
all children should be sooo lucky to have a man who cheat on the childrens mother.... oih vey

sorry guys..but maybe I am the one who got hit in the head with lightening during the eclipse....

ark who wants to be more compassionate about this...but it's clearly not working...and I'm not even a BS...sheesh...somebody please come crash my system....

I am a BS. I was 4 mos. pregnant when the A began. The OW knew my WH had a pregnant wife as well as a 2 year old. When I found out about the A, I was so distraught that I considered having an abortion. My H did not try to talk me out of it. I decided not to do that and baby and I + toddler survived the pregnancy alone while WH moved out and continued affair. It KILLED me during the pregnancy to allow my WH to spend time with the 2YO because he also involved the OW.

Now WH wants time with the baby too and quite frankly, I need some time to do grocery shopping, get out etc. but he always has the OW with him when he spends time with the children.

An affair is so incredibly painful but it is magnified when children are involved. Please try to put yourself in this other person's shoes.

It is not my intent to keep my children away from their father. They will face enough challenges in life. However, this baby exists despite what the two of them have done (OW + WH). The thought of OW holding my infant a mere 4 months after giving birth to her is enough to make me vomit.

I was the WS and I totally agree with Cali that I would do almost anything to keep an OW away from my child. Now, if my H chose to divorce me...did so...and then became involved with someone else an appropriate amount of time later...that'd be a different story. I'd give them a chance.

Hypocritical? I don't think so. Most OW are selfish and don't care much about other peoples feelings. That's not someone I'd choose to be around my child. The person responsible for taking her father away, splitting up her family, and creating a traumatic event in her life...didn't have to be you. You wanted him for yourself, because he makes you feel whole...and the fact that it would hurt his child worse than anything in the world didn't matter to you.

That's how I'd view it as her mother...that's how I view it as A mother.

ark,

Glad he takes responsibility...then he and you should have no expectation except for wife to comply to court appointed visitation which she does...

I don't "expect" her to do more than 3 days we currently have. It would just be nice if she would alter the days so he has more actual hours w/ the baby. Clearly she has no need to worry w/ baby in my care. However, her refusals end up costing us time and her money. I do his legal work for free. She, on the other hand, shells out $175.00 an hour for an atty and she only makes $10.63 an hour.

or affair going on before pregnancy..he gets her pregnant...and then leaves her....wife is now a single mom....what every married pregnant woman dreams of...

Actually they married quickly after meeting and both claim to realize it was a mistake. He had moved out in late November of 2000 - 2 months after marriage. I was to move w/ him but had yet to make up my mind. In the second week of December she advised him she was pregnant. He agonized over what to do as he had an older son he had to fight to see already. I encouraged him to move home and give it one more try. He did.

I moved into "our" place w/ my kids. He stayed until the end of Feb. Baby was 6 months old at that time. At which point I calculated his CS payment and he even paid/s more than the guidelines and for a while was even paying the child care fees.

She has since admitted to 2 EMRs ongoing throughout the marriage and is living w/ someone as well - the second man that has lived w/ her in the 15+ months they have been separated.

or did she get fat, have a lot of hair..never enough time for a brazilian wax job with the new baby....and a bad hair cut?

Lol. That describes me more than her. I weigh more than her, have never had a wax, and need a haircut. He is not superficial. I have kids and don't waste my money on vanity.

and money paid on time doesn't make a good dad...never has never will...news flash if he still lived in the home ALL of his money would go to his family....

No money paid on time does not make a good dad. When my daughter's father was paying faithfully he was still a lousy father. He never visited, had/s no clue who her teachers are, and rarely attends her dance recitals, parades, or softball games. My FMM, however, is an excellent father to his kids and mine. As I said he works 2 jobs, yet he still coaches my daughter's softball team, volunteers at school functions, helps w/ homework, etc. He never visits his kids empty handed, always engages in activities w/ them, helps son w/ homework, potty trains w/ daughter, rocks her to sleep etc.

When he was in the home it was he who watched the daughter while W worked the graveyard shift as he did not want her to go to a sitter.

All people betrayed by infidelity should be as gracious just as you are I guess...
all children should be sooo lucky to have a man who cheat on the childrens mother.... oih vey

Yes, he cheated. However, he is still her father and always will be. And, he has the law on his side. The Order will be changed in July. It is just a shame that we have to go in front of the Court to get it finalized.

due,
Wow. It sounds as if you are going through a rough time. Four months post partum your hormones are still out of whack. Are you and H going to reconcile, or is that not decided?

I do try to account for her feelings. That is why I don't understand why she wouldn't want to change the schedule so I'd have less time w/ her baby and he more.

Take care of yourself and don't let your husband bully you into something you are not comfortable with. I know I didn't want to share my daughter w/ anyone when she was 4 months old, let alone an OW. tew

Hope,
I can understand your feelings. However, the XW has no option in that matter. We live in Georgia and case law has determined that a Divorce decree, parenting plan, or visitation agreement can not limit visitations etc/ w/ a parent due to the fact that a child will be exposed to a third party. The case in point was an EMR where the XW wanted it stipulated the children couldn't be around FOW.

I do not know your story. I can say that as an OW I am not selfish in the least. I agonized for a long time over this relationship. I always allow the XW to vent etc. when need be. I try to be as nice as possible. My FMM enhances my life. However, I was "whole" long before he came along. If we marry and he leaves me for another OW I will still be whole as I am me and am quite comfotable with myself.

Please do not give anyone such power. I did not "take him away". The truth of the matter is that these 2 people jumped the gun and married before they really knew each other. They both admit it was a mistake. He tried to make it work for the baby's sake. However as my grandmother often told me a baby can make a good marriage better and a bad marriage worse. tew

okay, sorry, but he tried to make it work for baby? and yet after two months was ready to move in with you? having a girlfriend around is usually not the way to work on a marriage! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

tew,

Bottom line..wife does not have to change the visitation days...just because exWS's shift changed at work...

Courts will deal with it in july...ride it out...

You can't have it both ways..you can not actively take part in breaking up marital vows...regardless of all the rationalization about they married to early...she and he say so...

And then ask why "SHE is not more benevolent to you and he...

And basically you talk about what a good father he is to your child....
while what he has a left behind in his wake...a son somewhere...and a daughter...hmmm to different mom's I bet....

I just can not tolerate the rationalizations made at the expense of children...but when made at the expense of someone elses children it's OK....

If I were you I would be very concerned about investing in a man that blatantly has very little clue into the seriousness and sacredness of commitment....it is our actions that define us over and over...and this guys track record shows he doesn't really commit to much...

Tew,
bottom line
drop any expectations of exBS...it will only make your life easier...

ARK

My OM said the same things tewjtm. He said he was the least selfish person around and that he was the real victim in all of this.

The fact that you honestly care that another person is hurting due to the situation does not make you unselfish. My OM was NOT without choices during our ordeal...he was NOT selfless. He REFUSED to break contact with me permanently to allow me to TRULY make rational decisions without his influnce. He felt that because I was the one that always broke the contact that I must really know that it was over, etc etc. He WANTED that to be the answer, so he chose to act on that. The fact remains he was never blameless in all of that. He could have, and should have, walked clean away from the very beginning. As you should have.

See, it's the fact that you can't see that...that's the exact reason I would run like hell with my kid away from you. She doesn't have a choice? Well, you didn't really leave her one did you? 2 months was NO real trial of that marriage. It took hubby and I TWO YEARS to get over the anger and hurt cycle and start working together. Had we divorced right away while all the anger at each other and lustful feelings for the OM were still fresh...we'd be in the same spot as you.

I wouldn't worry too much about the exW. I doubt you'll have to deal with her for more than a couple of years at best. Because relationships such as the one you think you're lucky to have...they don't last in the BEST of situations..and you certainly don't have the best of situations.

Would you mind very much...since you are so caring and unselfish...directing his exW to this site? We might be able to help HER. I'd like very much to try. Atleast we could lend her an understanding ear....unlike you. I challenge you to do that...show us you truly are an unselfish and caring individual. Let us take a crack at helping her to possibly salvage her marriage. After all, if it's truly over and not due to you...then we won't get anywhere. Right?

krista,
okay, sorry, but he tried to make it work for baby? and yet after two months was ready to move in with you?

Recap: They both admitted at that point the marriage was a mistake and saw no reason to compound it. As soon as the pregnancy was revealed he did go back and try.

hope,
I will mention the site to her, per your suggestion. However, don't expect to see her here anytime soon. She hates computers and she doesn't take too kindly to my suggestions. For example, recently the baby was sent w/ a medicine called Atuss MS in her bag. The pediatrician I take her to stated that the baby was too young to receive this as it contained a narcotic. His XW choe to ignore the pediatrician's advice and continue o give the medicine her aging family doctor prescribed.

What marriage are you referring to trying to salvage? Theirs? Their D had ben final and with or with out me in the picture neither has a desire to resume their relationship. She is living w/ someone she is in love w/.

And, for the poster that stated 2 moms. Yes, you are right. He has an 11-year-old to a woman he never married. However, he took responsibility, has been in child's life since day one, and signed himself up for CS. That was 11 years ago and in my opinion speaks volumes about his character. Thus, despite the gloomy predictions of some here at MB I chooses to embrace this relationship. Life is a gamble. tew

<small>[ May 21, 2003, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: tewjtm ]</small>

Life is a gamble for some adults...and due to these adults...
for a lot of children it becomes a crap shoot

and a guy that shows them the money equal good character... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

ARK

ark,
Again, just curious. You stated you were not a BS are you former WS or what?

The thing I don't comprehend is so many here at MB are willing to take a chance, stay w/ his or her spouse etc. Thus, in those cases the FWS is reformed. Yet, many here seem to doubt that a FWS can do the same thing - change his ways, be faithful etc. w/ the FOP. Why is that? So, a FWS can be redeemed only if he chooses the marriage?

When these 2 were married they were both miserable. Sometimes people make poor choices. Sometimes 2 good people just make bad partners. tew

I am a or what?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

the thing is the seperation/rationalization of getting involved with a married man...regardless of the shape of the marriage....is not to be glossed over....

FWS don't become reformed...they come to believe that the initial committment has greater meaning than their actions stated...and even if that committment is to be terminated they have enough respect for the person...(even regardless of the other spouses behavior to terminate the marriage before breaking vows)

So many OP...act as if their involvement with a WS has nothing to do with the BS or their life..but it is their actions that as well as the WS actions that cause great harm to a person and a family...they are active participants hurting another person...based on their actions and choices...

What really kills me though is the attitude that she or he should just get over it...I mean who are you (or anyone else) to tell anyone else how to deal with their pain...and pain that you actively participated in creating...

So he was seperated from her...with you?..and she got pregnant...
you are the one painting the picture of someone who just doesnt seem to get the big picture of committment....

Are you two married? If not why not...if you are why...

tew this is really not me..I rarely if ever have "gone after a poster"...and I apologize for it...

It's just that people just keep pushing the envelope of demeaning vows, making marriages more and more disposable...so much under the guise of everyones else is doing it...and they just weren't happy...and it was mistake...ugghhh
it makes me nut...
ARK