Hi,
I'm new to this web site. My husband of 4 years is having a affair with another woman. He left me 6 months ago while I was 6 months pregnant with our second child. He hasn't filed for divorce, says he doesn't want a divorce but continues to see this other woman. He says that he wants to see if this relationship will last with her first! He also says that the only way he thinks he'll come back is if she breaks it off with him because he just can't do it. I feel like a safety net, like second choice if he comes back. I feel like I should be first choice. And I have done everything that I shouldn't have. I've tried to persuade him to come back, I've pleaded with him, " for the kids". Of course it hasn't worked. I know I've done everything wrong. I just don't know what to do. Please I need some advice, a lot of advice.
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Eva

I'm so sorry you have to be here. Click on the link in my signature line to find out what to do next.

Read all over this website AND Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. You need to show him what it will be like if he continues down this path...NO wife, limited contact with kids etc. This is similar to Plan B, but helps give you courage to see why you need to do it. He is already out of the house, but the reality doesn't seem to have hit him, you are his safety net.

Don't worry about having done "all the wrong things" It happens to the best of us. I am no sterling example of success, but after two Plan B's and all kinds of continued contact I think my FWH and I might finally be on the right track.

Read, read, read posts and ask questions.
Take care, you are not alone!

Hello Evega

I'm sorry that you are into this situation, welcome to MB, here you will find tons of usefull information and a lot of ppl willing to help you that are somehow in the your same spot.

Please read all you can from this site and start posting your story and feelings if you want so we can all help.

Take right now good care of you and your kids, you are going to need a lot of energy for all the changes you are going to make from now on... relly if you can in friends and family and also if you can go to counseling...

Does plan b really work? I've tried it, I just can't cut off all ties. I'm afraid that he'll leave for good. I don't try to make contact with him. He initiates the contact. Especially with 2 kids. One is 4 yrs old and the other is 3 months old. How do I do it? I'm trying to wait it out and being very nice to him and not pushing him anymore. I want the OW to break first. I want her to start feeling like she's losing him and then have her start begging and pleading him to continue their relationship. Is this realistic? Will this work? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Evega, I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. My WS left almost 8 months ago. He does not want a divorce either, but continually speaks and I'm sure, sees the OW. It makes me very sad. In the beginning, it killed me, especially when he teetered back and forth between us. I have two children, a daughter 10 and a son 4 and they, even at their young age saw what their Dad was capable of. Anyway, to tell you the truth, listen to the folks on this board...they are awesome...their personal experiences are just so helpful in coping and getting stronger.

I look back on my very own posts and see how I have changed.....it takes time (as Star*Fish tells me every single day...thanks Star). While I want immediate results, it just will not happen. It is a re-building process. And believe me, once you start to re-build, you will not recognize yourself. Trust me, I begged, pleaded, ...for the kids....for us and our 15-year relationship/13-year marriage...for this and for that. Evega....it doesn't work. You can only do one thing...and that is, step out of the picture as the threatening, pleading, weak woman. Now is the time for you to bear down and, with a determination, show H that he made one very big mistake. I do not mean that you should tear a trail of vengence; you need to take care ofyourself, your two little ones and make him realize that you are worth coming back to. Believe me, you didn't do anything to deserve this, but in an adulterers mind, they need to justify their behavior on anything...usually it is the BS. Never argue (which I have been working on), appear amiable and never, ever, LB...God knows, doing this is extremely difficult, especially in such an sensitive state, but if you focus on healing yourself first, then you can work on your marriage. I'm doing it now, and I know how hard it is. I want to rant and rave, scream and claw, but instead, I've resigned myself that this behavior hasn't worked then, and it certainly is not going to work now. So guess what...I have become America's newest sweetheart...I smile (even though I am hurting inside), I laugh (even though each forced laugh makes me want to cry) and when I'm in his company, I look perfect (my makeup is perfect, my hair is perfect, I look young and desirable). Now, don't get me wrong, my self-confidence can fit on the head of a pin with plenty of room, but guess what, H does not know that....just this past Sunday, after answering his call from another line, he stated, that he didn't TRUST ME! Go figure...he has another woman, I'm always home with the kids and shouldering all the responsibility he has been neglecting and he doesn't trust me. You know why? Because when he sees me, I'm perfect, pleasant and gracious and when he goes to her to report....she starts *****ing and moacning and looking not as lovely or as amiable as ME! So, hopefully, you can gather some help from this. Trust me, without the wonderful words and wisdom from MBers such as Star, GreenGables, Promiseherthemoon and other great ladies and men, I wouldn't find one shred of positiveness in this entire debacle. However, there is a lesson to be learned for me....I neglected MYSELF way too much, in order to make H happy,when in reality, he wasn't. SO now, it is MY turn...I'm driving the bus this time and maybe, just maybe, I'll allow him to jump on for the ride.

Thanks Karena!!

What do you mean by "Never argue (which I have been working on), appear amiable and never, ever, LB...God knows, doing this is extremely difficult, especially in such an sensitive state, but if you focus on healing yourself first, then you can work on your marriage."

What is LB? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Evega.

"LB" is lovebuster - read up on the site and read Surviving an Affair. Some of the MBers might also fill in.

I'm sorry you're here. I know what you're going through. It's terrible. My H did/does and said/says many of the same things you're reporting. My H has "come home" to work on us but ended up contacting the OW each time. Each time I asked him to leave and he did. I've finally entered into a modified Plan B (like you, with young children, a true Plan B is impossible). I can say that it has made me feel a lot better. It enabled me to exit from this sick triangle that was making me feel so used, deceived and unwanted.

I'm not a success story in that H is still with OW but I think that I am nearing a place where I'm accepting that this has happened, that my children and I can have a good life with or without my H and that I am a good person and didn't deserve to be treated like this. I hope for peace for you too.

It is especially cruel to have to endure this during a pregnancy and with a newborn. I know. Try not to let it rob you of the beauty of a new baby. Your baby will only be a baby once. This sick relationship that is going on between your H and his OW is so fake compared to the beauty of your children.

DIJ

Hello. We ARE a success story here! Marriage Builders is an excellent program and it can and does work!

I am by no means a "pro" at MB stuff, but I did want to offer what I can. Some of the others will surely jump in and correct any bad advice I might be about to offer!

You don't have to jump to plan B without first using plan A. Karena gave great advice. I think it's good that you are allowing him to make the
calls to you. When he does call, don't sound depressed or upset. Be as upbeat and positive as you can be. When he comes to see the kids, dress
for a "date" - even if all he does is come to the door and get the kids and leave. If he stays at your place when he sees the kids, then while he's
there, think of your time with him almost as a "date," and conduct yourself accordingly. Maybe have a snack ready, or if it's around dinner, offer for him to have the meal with you. Be positive and upbeat.

Don't Love Bust. Don't express any anger, don't make accusatory comments or ask any questions about his OW. Don't get into any heavy conversations. When he wants to go heavy, try to steer it back to something light. Keep it light and positive and upbeat. Remember: treat him as if you are courting him, because in a way, you are!

Get started in some positive for YOU activities (a workshop of some sort, a class, whatever you can find that will be fun for YOU) and share that with him in a very positive way: "Hey, I started dance classes yesterday, and it was SO much fun!" Let him see that you are NOT sitting there pining away for him. The secondary advantage is that such things ARE good for your self esteem.

IF he mentions a change in you to the OW, she will most likely begin to try and get him to focus on your negatives. It's my view that this is a good thing. Here's why: your H may have given a "marital history rewrite" to the OW. By that I mean he may have taken issues that the two of you had and embellished them for her benefit. You know, make the wife sound REALLY bad. See, a WH will do this for two reasons: First, to justify his actions in his own mind and second, to offer the OW encouragement. The OW hears how rotten you are and it stirs in her the belief that she can treat him better than you. Now, to how his mentioning improvements in YOU to OW
can be a good thing. Remember, she's at a disadvantage because she's believed the "rewrite." HE, however, knows the truth. When OW hears him make a positive comment about you, she feels threatened and so reminds him
of how rotten you are. If your H still has feelings for you, he may become quite offended that OW would "badmouth" you. For her, she's only repeating what he told her - she has no clue that it was a rewrite. She appears mean
and ugly to your H in that instant. While the WH is allowed to do the "rewrite," the OW isn't allowed to badmouth - which reiterating the
"rewrite" may seem to be to your WH. It can be a slap in his face. Maybe it doesn't sting for long, but it's a jolt. Fog lifter. No, not a
permanent fog lifter, but maybe one ray of sunshine breaking through the fog. That's also why I don't think it's wise to say anything negative about his OW. That comes much, much, MUCH later down the road.

That's just my own take on one way this stuff works...

It does not always work. I don't intend to give you false hope. But, don't give up before you try! I would also caution you NOT to "plan A" your WH for too long. Set a time during which you will do the very best "plan A" that you can
do. If you see zero impact when the time is up, make yourself move on to "plan B." If you see that "plan A" is having good and positive effects,
then and ONLY then would I say it's wise to extend the duration, and then ONLY with another preset amount of time. Eventually, your WH will have to poop or get off the pot.

Plan A represents making your honest, best effort to save your marriage. Those who use "plan A" for too long make themselves miserable, and this is why a preset time limit is essential. Once you have worked Plan A, YOU can sleep at night secure in the knowledge that you TRIED. You will be able to tell your children that you tried and even show them the method you used. Plan B has a dual function: it DOES show the WH what life will be like without you, which may bring him out of the fog. But, it ALSO allows you to begin to empty your WH's account in your Love Bank. This way, if divorce is going to happen, you are no longer deeply in love with him and will heal much more rapidly. At least, that is my own personal take on it.

Best of luck to you,

Thanks Ms. Jpw! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I understand the two different plans. I just don't know what plan I would be in right now. I am still talking to my H, when he calls. I don't call him. I don't push him about our relationship anymore. I am trying to change my ways, things that made him upset, I've elimated from our conversations. I know plan B states that I should have no contact at all with my H. But I've tried. I've asked him not to call me and he'll just keep calling. What am i supposed to do? Anyone have suggestions or advice? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

evaga,

I think you are already getting some good advice.

I just wanted to say that the fact that your H doesn't want a D gives you a lot of leverage. You should use it, carefully of course, but certainly use it.

In your case, I think that after some time in Plan A, a sudden shift to file for a separation (if your state has that) or even D - might shake your H lose from his OW quite nicely.

I think your H really believes that you will always be there for him - that he can always step back into his family as if nothing happened. Giving him reasons to doubt that possibility should turn his head.

-AD

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 10:27 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Thanks AD! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I have already gone to go see a lawyer and I told him I did. I also had all the paper drawn up all I had to do was get them signed and they would serve him the papers. But I chikened out. I really don't want to do it. I'm not ready to divorce yet. I even told him that I went to go see a lawyer and all he said was " do what you have to do." Like it was ok with him. I just wanted him to know that I was tired. I thought I was ready to do it but, started getting really confused about everything and decided that I didn't want to do it. Is this crazy or what? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I feel like I'm giving up if I file for divorce and letting the OW win. I want her to break first.

You know the weirdest thing happened last week at work. My H came by my office! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> It was an absolute surprise for me. He said he came by just to visit, he needed to go to another department in my building to fix something for his health insurance and decided to visit me first!

It was strange. He sat down at my desk and was acting like normal. Smiling and asking about the pictures of our kids that I had around my desk. He seemed to be happy to see me.

Also, we were kind of both feeling like we didn't know how to act around each other. He started to touching my hand and realizing what he was doing he stopped. I was kind of confused about how to respond. So I just didn't. He stayed maybe 5 min the most. And he had to go because he was dispatched somewhere ( he's a police officer). Any ways before he left he gave me a kiss on the cheek . He never does that.And he left.

And today he came by my office again. We talked a good 10 min. or so. He gave me complements on my appearance. And asked if I was hungry and wanted to know if he could pick something up for me.

I don't want to read to much into it b/c I don't want to get disappointed. I don't know what to think about all this, or even if I should think anything of it! Kind of confused about the whole thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

But we've been getting along really good the past couple of days. We've been really nice to each other and I have not brought up anything about our relationship.

I know my H loves me, I know it. It's just that the OW is in the way. He has always said that he will always love me he just doesn't feel the same way about me since this OW has come into his life.

Could this possible mean anything, or am i reading too much into it?

My first thought is that this is a VERY good sign!

It could indicate that he is starting to miss you and the life you represent. I'd suggest you make sure you look your best for work, since you never know when he might stop in. If he asks you to lunch, take him up on it, and conduct yourself as if it were a date. Same ideas as I suggested before. It might be that his OW is looking a bit tarnished these days! If he's seeing more of her bad behavior - make sure your GOOD behavior is on display! Caution: if he starts to complain about the OW, don't encourage it, but don't cut him off, either. Let him say what he needs to say - be his friend, his confidant. Be sympathetic but don't offer advice. Let him vent. EAs get started this way - a woman offers a safe and friendly shoulder. As he sees you are not judging and aren't LBing, he may open up and start to tell you more of his "problems." Learn from what his complaints are - learn where she is weak, take advantage of this! Where she is weak (not meeting his ENs), you can be strong (meet those ENs). This can draw him closer to you. Don't LB at all - harder said than done, but possible! As he gives you more information, you'll start to get the picture of what kind of woman you are dealing with. Exploit every ounce of this knowledge! (She's a rotten cook? Make him dinner one night, one of his favorites. She's messy - your house is always neat when he visits your D. She complains - you compliment. Etc, etc.)

If all goes well, your WH will compliment you in front of OW. This generally makes them furious, and a woman in a rage usualy isn't attractive. Scary, but not attractive!

Good luck,

Thanks for the advice Msjpw! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My H came by my work again today! This is the third time in 2 weeks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We talked for about another 10 min. We were just talking about the day and about our kids. You know I don't really to think of all this. I'm trying to be positive about all this but I just don't know what he's thinking. I don't want to think too much of it. I don't want to get my hopes up too high.

I will say that I do like him coming over to visit me. He asked my yesterday on the phone if I mind that he come over to visit me at work. I didn't want him to feel like I was desperate for him to come over if I said no that I didn't mind, so I just said, "Do as you please". He said OK, that maybe next time he would bring me breakfast.

Some of my co-workers think that maybe he's coming around just to show me that he's still around. In other words, coming around so that I won't start feeling differently about him and stray off.

Anyone have any thoughts on this?

HELLO!! Someone talk to me!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Does plan b really work? I've tried it, I just can't cut off all ties
Yes but you haven't tried it. Simply cutting off contact for a few days is not Plan B. You are far from going to Plan B.

Read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley, Jr.

Also, read the links in my signature below.

Some of my co-workers think that maybe he's coming around just to show me that he's still around. In other words, coming around so that I won't start feeling differently about him and stray off.
It's probably lots of things going on in his head (seems there's plenty of space in there right now, doesn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )
Affairs are not so cut & dry as some might think.

I'm really ticked off today. Yesterday my H took my son for the day and dropped him off last night at around 9 pm. Well I asked my S what he did all day and he said that he went to the OW house. I was furious. I've already asked him to not involve her in his plans when he has our S. I've told him to respect my wishes and not to put our S in the middle of things.

I'm so mad. I'm so tired of his BS. Why can't he do that little thing for our SON? He's not thinking of his S, only his stupid selfish needs. I feel like I'm hanging on to nothing. I know I'm pissed but I just so tired of all this. I feel like calling my lawyer and telling her to go on with the process of filing for the divorce. I feel like he's playing with my emotions.

I'm losing all respect for him and that little bit of love that I still have left for him is just dissapearing. I find myself hating him more and more each day.

Someone please give me some advice. I don't want to try to be so nice to him anymore. I don't care if I LB anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I'm just so tired! Why do I continue to hold on? I'm just being hurt. I just want to be happy again. And I'm not happy right now. I feel like just filing for the divorce. I don't want him to hurt me anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just want it all to stop. He knows that I'm waiting for me. And that's why he comes to see me, that's why he continues this stupid relationship with this whore. I'm pissed. I hate him. I hate that he can continue to hurt me. I just want to leave so he can leave me alone so I can go on with my life w/o him coming around and making me feel like this.
Yes, I know part of this is my fault. I let him bother me and I get my hopes up. But I just wish I could just get away, move. I don't want to see him, hear from him, or even hear about him. I want to know NOTHING of him.
PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley, Jr.

Also, read the links in my signature below.