Hi

most of the fine details of my situation are in the thread entitled 'Help Please - Plan A or B?'.

I know the Dr. Harley position is 'anything short of putting it on the evening news is appropriate', but I'm wondering if this really applies in all cases. At this stage I have told my parents and sister (but not my brothers) and her sisters and mother, plus one good friend of mine, ex-GF of OM, and OM's brother - who is a friend of mine. All have been very supportive.

OM, as well as WW, played on my softball team. I intend getting involved again this weekend, after taking a break for the last 2 months or so while this was going on. I am considering telling all those on the team who know WW and I, and OM any way well. One of these people would be OM's sister who lives with him (in his mothers house).

I am also debating whether to tell OM's mother, or even whether to use this as a threat via his sister or brother - i.e. get the f*&k out of all our lives, preferably leave the country or I tell her.

I am nervous about telling these people in case it makes it harder for WW to come back, although I recognise that it will undermine any support structure for the A. I am also slightly reluctant (only slightly <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) about involving an elderly (late-60's early 70's) woman who is innocent in all of this and possibly alienating/hurting his sis (who I amn't really that close to) and his brother (who I am closer to, but whose friendship I could live without).

Any advice appreciated

<small>[ May 25, 2003, 01:36 AM: Message edited by: Salerio ]</small>

The problem with telling people that are not close friends and relatives (and OM's W) is that you are inviting them to ask questions in the future that you may not want to answer. Would you like the average joe on the street to stop you and ask you if your W is still running behind your back? Besides they are not nearly as influential as close friends and relatives in the long run. Just my NSHO.

Salerio, that really is a difficult decision and I find it hard to answer. I tend to think it's not a good idea to tell people who are not involved, such as your baseball team. I don't see the benefit of that at all. On the other hand, I do see the point of telling OM's mother because she could possibly put pressure on the affair from that end. I don't think I would tell the sister, tho. I wouldn't go any farther than that.

thanks for the advice guys. A difficult call I think.

As regards his mother, I think I will hold for a little while at least. There is no direct pressure on me to do this, so I can take my time to reach the right decision.

A lot of people on the softball team have been asking me, or about me, as to when I will be back playing. This will be more difficult, as I'm sure people will be asking why I wasn't around so long - just not like me, as normally I was one of the stalwarts. The last people saw of me I was socialising a fair amount with OM, so if he is not around (and I believe he won't be) I expect to get some questions there. I also anticipate questions about how my WW is, and when she will be around. To add to all that, the fact that I have lost a lot of weight since they last saw me and I'm sure there will be plenty of questions.

The logic of telling selected people on the team (moderately close friends - as in people I could phone and meet for a beer if I felt like it) is threefold:
1) Deal with any questions
2) Increase my support network
3) Cut off OM's support from that side - I honestly can't see any of the people that I would tell taking his side.

Sunday is when I see these people, but I may be able to avoid saying anything then. Next time will be Tuesday.

Salerio,

Under those conditions, I might consider telling them. To do otherwise is tantamount to covering up for your WW and the OM. And if your friends are already talking about it, it is best to get the right story out there instead of a wrong story. And you are right, you will probably get lots of support from your friends.

Thanks Melody

I think I will see how it goes tomorrow. At the moment I am leaning towards not telling people, but if it feels right tomorrow I might do it.

One of the people on the team had a party tonight. If F*&face was at that, then it may influence my decision - if he has effectively melted away, then I may not tell people as readily.

We'll see.

Well I told his sister, as recounted in the other thread. Caused a bit of a stir, but no regrets. She has been very supportive and has been on his case - the first bit of pressure he has had so far, everything just too easy for him up to now. Am now toying with telling his mother to put on more pressure.

Just curious to hear, what are other peoples experiences with telling people - friends, work colleagues, family (of all concerned), children etc

When did you tell them (around D-Day, during plan A, during plan B, post D?)

What negative consequences did you encounter?

What would you do differently?

I have talked to people about my situation:

People at work: They say hang in there, one guy even knowsThe OM ( SMALL WORLD). he says I know this guy it wont last. he is good at giving women what they want( A PLAYER ). My captain even talked to me he says he is from the outside looking in and he cant see how this A could last.

mom: she was supportive at first, she see how hurt I am, and now she gets mad cause she is all I talk about. She says she wants to hear firefighting stories again.

Friends: Some say hang in slow down. some: is this what you really want? knowing what she is doing. Some say just get rid of her you dont deserve this.

I dont regret talking to anyone. it just seems I talk to the ones who say what I want to hear more than others.

Hope this helped