SO_T

U OK?

Some one is here!!
I am sitting here with shattered dreams.
I think I understand you.

It takes a very big chunk of courage to follow through - run don't walk, don't stop to say good bye protect yourself and especially your darling daughter, keep going, keep living!!

There is a v.good link I don't know how to paste them properly so I'll give you the URL address
cycles of abuse - domestic violence
I hope it works, what d'ya know it does.

You are free - stay free unless he can prove to you that HE HAS CHANGED.
I do understand.

Take care
Ktulu out.

someoneout_there

Please please listen and act NOW!!! Liza has the best strategy.

ZORWEB'S Domestic Violence Post

He has another link lined up if you are in the US
http://www.ndvh.org/

I've been there.

<small>[ May 26, 2003, 04:31 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

SOT,

Let us know how you are.

Thanks for all your replies and for your concern.

I spoke with the local Abuse Center and we will have a meeting tomorrow. I will keep you all posted.

I am guilty of the A. There was no full closure/confession (because I'm scared) and yet H thought that he can do anything to me because of that mistake, that he can take away my child from me and carry on more threats.

On the other hand, he keeps on telling me that if I'll go back with him, he will just forget everything, put the past behind us and start a new life together. That is because he loves me very much and doesn't care what had happened between me and the OP.

His words are the exact opposite of his actions. For him, the bottomline is, we will be friends if we will reconcile and ENEMIES if we will not.

And with what happened last Friday- I don't trust him anymore...the more I am reluctant to go back, to come clean and make amends... all because of fear.

I am thinking of my daughter. I want her to be with me, whatever happens.

Please pray for us...

~Thank you and God bless you all.~

Ktulu- thanks for the link. It's very helpful.

BH&A- sorry to hear about your story... but thanks you fro sharing it with me.

Pepper & Sue- thanks for your concern.

I am so glad to read that you have set up an appt with your local abused women's centre. They can help you set up a safety plan for you and your daughter, and give you SO MUCH information on how to address various issues in your situation.

My initial "intake" appt at the abused women's centre in my community was, ummm... crazy? At least, that's how I felt when I arrived. My H and I were still living together, and he KNEW I had this appt for WEEKS ahead of time... and he arrived home LATE!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I almost had to cancel my appt... but thankfully, he eventually showed up, and I made it there... a few minutes late... but I made it there. (it turns out that he chose that evening to shop for a $300 cellphone!!! One that he did NOT need - he already had 2 or 3 - and one that we could not afford).

My first visit was more of a venting session than anything. I talked about my M, and R with my H. And my counsellor (whom I still see on a regular basis) urged me with a few questions here and there to get the info she needed. Without a doubt, even though I was never physically touched or cursed at, I was indeed an abused woman.

When you visit this centre, ask them if they can give you a copy of the "Power and Control Wheel". It's an incredible tool/chart to look at, as it reminds us of all of the different areas of abuse that can be present. For me, it really helped me to identify and accept that I was NOT crazy, and that my H was not treating me right all along. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Thank you for keeping us posted. I look forward to hearing how your initial meeting goes (once you're ready to talk about it). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am guilty of the A. There was no full closure/confession (because I'm scared) and yet H thought that he can do anything to me because of that mistake, that he can take away my child from me and carry on more threats. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, you are guilty of an A, that is no justification for him coming to your work, ordering you around and hitting you.

In a prior post you mentioned that he has hit you in the marriage, I'm guessing this was pre affair? Just because it does not happen regularily does not mean that abuse did not happen. And it will happen again, maybe more now and he will feel justified because you had the A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> His words are the exact opposite of his actions. For him, the bottomline is, we will be friends if we will reconcile and ENEMIES if we will not. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like a very controling person to me.

I'm glad you called a Shelter. Do all you can to keep you and your daughter safe.

Let us know how you are. - Okay

If a person is ever going to exhibit controlling behavior, it will be when there is evidence of an A. That doesn't mean it's right.

It's his problem, and it's a big problem. My one caution is that my experience with these women's shelters is that it's about how bad the men are. There is something wrong with the relationship and not just with the man. That's why I think it might be helpful for you to read Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders.

One thing about having him out of the house due to a restraining order is it could wake him up to the fact that it is his problem that he hit you, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID. Going down the road to having him arrested (which Harley recommends) can have a lot of consequences. There is a difference between criminal (arrest record for battery) and civil (restraining order) that you might want to investigate before you do anything.

Please let us know how it all turns out.

SOT,
Glad to see you got excellent advice. Document all past incidents of abuse that you can recall w/ appoximate dates. I was once married to a man who turned abusive. I got out. You can do it too. Just stay safe. Please do not worry about custody you will be able to keep your child. Take care of yourself and please do not get back w/ your husband. tew

Broken,

I remember having read the Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders in this website before. I am trying to find it now, but I can't. I'll try to look for it again.

H & I were living separately for the last two years.

I know that having him arrested can have a lot of consequences.

At this point in time, I feel the need to report this incident for police record and future reference. I will ask the Abused Center for help and guidance in how to do it and how to protect myself and my daughter.

I pray that this will not happen again...

Thanks.

Harley says that, when a guy gets arrested, it really hits home for him that it is his problem that he hit you and that there is no excuse for what he did. I would say that it is very important that he stay out of the house. As long as he thinks that you deserve to be hit, he'll hit you and blame you for the end of your M and on and on.... No excuse. That's what he needs to realize. I think you can get Harley's book from his website or by special order from B. Dalton (some major bookstores only will special order what they stock, but I've had good luck with B. Dalton). Good luck.

Dear SOT:

I am so glad to hear that you're working with the local center.

Do not worry about the custody issue. My H hit me once and only once in an argument about his A. I went to the ER to document it and to my local center to get all the information. They told me that in domestic violence cases the victim gets the custody of the kids. Period.

You have to document the abuse. Photos of injuries, medical records, witnesses...

Make a good plan for your safety. It really woke me up when the counsellor told me: it will get worse every time and he can kill you. We are working on our recovery and thanks to deep reflection and IC on H's side we are doing great.

I think from what you told us that your H is dangerous. There have been abuse issues before your A. He has repeatedly hurt you. I think you are in great danger. There is not much chance that he will change.

Also you are at a stage where you want to leave the M. THAT IS THE MOST DANGEROUS SITUATION. That is when women get killed.

Be careful. Whatever you do, put your saftey first. Don't take this lightly.

Hugs

I spoke with the counselor. They suggest to file a police report by myself. At this time, I only feel the need to file the report for record purposes. I am not planning to press charges.

I have to go back for further lecture and counselling. They are suggesting a men's counselling, too, for H. I am not sure if I have to tell him about it or not.

H called up yesterday to apologize for what happened. He told me that he was so hurt that he was able to do that. He promised not to do it again. (I hope and pray...) He asked me if I told D about it. He is concerned that our D will feel bad against him.

I never talk to D issues like these. She is only seven. Prior to separation, when she was about five, she saw one incident like this. I hope she did not remember it anymore.

I am praying for peace. There have been so much trouble already...

Liza... thank you for your advice. I'm scared... but hope and pray that things will not get worse than this.

~God bless~

"He promised not to do it again."

This is a meaningless promise. He is going to appeal to your desire to see yourself as a forgiving woman.

If you say this to him after an apology, "I accept your apology, however I refuse to live with you after this abuse." .... and stick with your boundary of intolerance of abuse .... he will likely turn mean on you for defending yourself.

He's going to appeal to your weaknesses. He already has. He will not get better without therapy. Do not believe he is safe to be around just because he feels bad after smacking you around. He is dangerous. He is dangerous even after he apologises. He could end up killing you and your child.

He needs to suffer more than a little remorse, ..... "He is concerned that our D will feel bad against him." ...... WHAT THE HECK????? he hits, and he is concerned for his reputation???? This is his narcissism working, not his love for his child.

YUCK! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 04:04 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hi,

I'm truly sorry you are going through this and I completely agree with all posters that have responded to you. You and your child's safety remain first and foremont.

One thing I would like to add, and the women's shelter has told you I am sure. When you are married to a wife beater (and you are, I'm sorry <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ) you must remove yourself from the situation. Do this before you persue any legal action that may cause him to retaliate against you or your child.

I have two good friends that are police officers and have been for almost twenty years, they are brothers as a matter of fact. They have seen it all. Run, don't walk. It doesn't have to be for good, but your H needs help. I've heard too many stories from them about kindhearted spouses that keep going back and back and back for more. It never ends up well for the kindhearted spouse, never.

One thing about restraining orders. They are NOT a safety blanket. More abused wives, and yes, some husbands , are hurt seriously or worse immediately after the WS finds out the order has been filed. KEEP THIS IN MIND!

Please ensure you and your child's safety before you file legal notices upon a spouse that's already been physically abusive. If you can find someplace to stay with your child as has already been suggested or a friend's house in a town where he won't know where you are it will be very difficult on you but the consequences may be worse.

I've never experienced any abuse or committed any abuse on my exww, just to answer your original question.

Just get away and take all the time that you need. This is insatant plan B time in my humble opinion. I hope you well and I'm sorry for your situation.

I apologize if I was maybe a little too direct but I've heard some real horror stories.

Be well.

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 05:33 PM: Message edited by: getting better ]</small>

Pepper,

Actually, when H was asking for an apology... I was not able to say anything but to excuse myself and hung up. I don't want to say anything anymore. I don't even want to talk with him anymore.

Getting better,

H & I are living separately for the last two years.

I know if I will pursue legal action he will retaliate. He is willing to risk everything, including our jobs... to the point that both of us will be deported for public scandal or whatever. If and when we 'll go back to our home country, he will be more confident to do what he wants to do.

He keeps on telling me that this is all my choice. If I choose to reconcile with him, everything will be OK. But, since I refused, he will make things difficult for me.

I am looking for a job in the other states. Where I am sure he won't follow us anymore. But looks like it's not easy. I am hoping and praying still...

Yes, you're all right and it is my decision, too, to stay separated and to take all the time that I need. Though, I still believe, he is a good man. But as far as our marriage is concerned... I think it's done. I don't know... I am more confused now than ever.

You don't have to apologize for what you were saying... I do thank all of you for your concerns.

~God bless.~

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 09:48 PM: Message edited by: someoneout_there ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know if I will pursue legal action he will retaliate. He is willing to risk everything, including our jobs... to the point that both of us will be deported for public scandal or whatever. If and when we 'll go back to our home country, he will be more confident to do what he wants to do. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you spoken to an Immigration Lawer? Maybe there is something there that can protect you from deportation if H tries to cause trouble?

Was your D born in the U.S. and you adopted her or was she born in another country and you brought her here? If she was born in the US and you adopted her, is she still and american citizen? If so, maybe that will keep you from being deported if H tries to cause problems. I would consult with a Immigration attorney about your rights in this country.

If you're truly done with him, there is no need to read "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" until you start to get into a new relationship.

The idea of filing a police report is a good one. That happened with me, too. I didn't want to press charges, but the police have a report he has broken my arm.