Morning H,

Is she his mother? She can't be his friend if she is going to ruin her family for friendship.

Now just to set the record straight, my WS (that what he was at the time) used to fog babble and accuse me of caring more for MB folks than him & son. My response? "MB helped me during my crisis time. I could not see a MC every day. I finally had to stop calling our MC because he was 45 miles away and the long distance bills were killing me. I let him know that MB & co (books, posting here and even a session with Steve and now watching Dr. Phil, etc.) helped give me the support my H should have been giving me. That shut him up. Why? Because he claimed he went after PBR (psyco babble rabbit - OW's given name - she earned it - LOL!!) because he needed someone to talk with. Well that excuse just didn't make sense. I read some of their e-mails and yep, she talked and wrote a lot. He said very little in comparison but it was mega more than he was speaking to me.

My point is that you need to let her know that if this OM stuff is more important than family, she needs to show it in every aspect of her life. No more of the family fulfilling some of her emotional needs while OM takes and takes. U realize that OM has already taken family time and $$$, right? He has. Even if she says it is only her time and $$. As a mother and W, her time and $$ belongs to the family.

Think about those angles and work on a respectful way of presenting you fmaily's interesting. If you bundle up yourself and your children together as a 1 package deal, then she will have a harder time throwing her anger at you.

Also, why is she even exposing the children to this character? Aren't you afraid that their protective shield will be dulled by these interactions?

JMHO,
L.

h12,

Just curious...why are you allowing the OM to call your W at your home? If not for your sake then for your childrens sake, this should have been one of the first things you negotiated in Plan A. (No calls or visits at the house or around the kids) They should not be exposed to that. Part of Plan A is to negotiate little or no contact with the OM,...especially when it involves your children.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Our girls went with her though so they won't be able to talk much.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This part really troubles me. Why are you allowing your children to be around this man at all? Why would you want them to EVEN get to know him or see their mom interact with him?

I also see your W as having you somewhat wrapped around her finger at this point. She is cake eating all the way. He calls her at your home and she talks to him (right in front of you and kids) fcol for hours on end.

When she wants something she has only to stomp her feet and have a hissy fit as she did at breakfast and you cave.

I realize you are attempting to plan A but you have to balance your negotiations in such a way that you don't become a door mat for her and the OM.

Your past lack of attention to FC and DS may well have not set well with her but I don't see those as needs that she is having met by the OM so improving in those areas is not going to cause you to gain a lot of ground in repairing the M.

She does have something in common with him though which you have brought to light. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The reason his addiction doesn't bother her is that she was on Coke and alcohol when younger. Stayed high and drunk for a solid year. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This may be the emotional connection that she has with the OM.

You have your work cut out for you fella. Please don't take my post as critical. They are just my observances and POV. Continue improving on FC and DS. I didn't mean to imply above that those were not important (they are huge). It's just that they don't seem to be what she is looking for in the OM. Try and find out what it is that he is providing that you aren't. That's the key.

jmho
ba109

hurting12,

There are certain boundry that you should draw .. you could put it w/o LB'ng. It is not unreasonable demand it is not LB'ed. One of it, ba109 already pointed out .... there is a different between plan A and enabeling A. You are in a good hand w/ SH. Focus on your kids and not your W's A.

-rh-

Ws didn't take the girls to see him. I thought she was but she dropped them off at a friend of theirs. She did come home and watch the movie but now she is on the phone with him.

Don't see how I can ask her not to talk with him as I don,t know about the A and she has already asked for D. We are just living in the same house for the kids.

Yes she is cake eating right now but this A is only 3 wks old. Not exposed and Steve doesn't want me to yet. As soon as it is exposed I can calmly inform her not to talk to him around the kids. Actually she has gotten much better about that on her own, She does go outside now to talk if the kids are home.

I want her to get used to me meeting some of her needs so that when I go to "B" she will miss that and her children. I want it to be real nice and fun for her right up to the day I jerk the rug out.

Also as long as we keep doing things together it really bothers the OM. He is making all kinds of demands and WS is upset/happy/upset/happy with him. Hope it becomes so much trouble he finds another lay.

The main need he is meeting for her is conversation. I'm working hard on that 1 too but he has the advantage of her being open with him and not me. That is number 3 for her. Want to guess what rounds out the top 5 at spot number 2?

Honesty, lol, and I quote "Complete honesty is the only thing I can accept."

Originally before I had read the whole site I had pushed her to do EN survey they were
1 Honesty
2 conversation
3 DS
4 FC
5 Affection
After steve asked her to fill it out it goes
1 FC
2 Honesty
3 Conversation
4 DS
5 FS

FS is there better than he ever will and she wants no affection from me.(Although she does accept my gifts. The others just moved around in order so I continue to work on all of them. I want her to miss me when I'm gone.

BTW I have an expose letter written and tucked away at my mothers. It will show her that I knew from the begining about the PA and still was able to act so completely out of past character. This will give her something to think about when she comes a little out of fog and wonders if these changes are perm or just something to get her back.

I think I'm gonna lose her. Every time she talks to him I LB. I try not too but I can't stop. I get so mad and she eggs me on. This has happened 4 times in the last 2 days. Maybe it's the weekends, they have been the toughest because they call each other so much.

If we make it to 6/6 Steve is gonna have to talk me though exposing the A. I've got to set some boundries or I'm gonna walk out. It's to early for plan b so if i go it's over.

I think if it's exposed we can talk and agree to some boundries on what goes on in the house ie phonecall locations. Right now I don't "know about the affair so it's just friends talking about work. I can't say "I just heard you tell him you love him you really hurt me or the kids when you do that where me or the kids can hear."

Maybe I do need to see a doctor about anti/d. i go from happy to mad to hurt and back about 4 times a day.

She was complaining about the call haveing a lot of delay a few minutes ago so i just said here are the keys go see him he has a pass. Talk about enableing but I couldn't take it anymore.

I going for a walk ill check back here in a few minutes maybe i can make more sense then i just seem to be babbling now.

hurting12,

FOCUS ON YOUR PLAN A AND NOT ON YOUR W's A !. Just keep it in mind that OM will hear about your LB'ed and push W closer to him !. You have some edge in here, you know A won't last ... the Q is could you outlast her A ?. Get medication if you haven't, you are going to need it and remember those medication takes several days before you feel it kicks in.

-rh-

OM sounds like a big time loser - what can I say? good that you're in councelling. take it one step at a time. try to save your wife from self destruction - you got some responsibility here. look well after yourself.

WS got home at 4am.,was gone about 6hrs. 4am is the normal time she goes to bed though so nothing new there.

Felling pretty good today. I'm gonna make it through today without a single LB. That's the mission for today. You guys are right I was focusing too much on A and not enough on the plan. Just needed to hear (read) it to see it.

See you MB'ers after I take her to work at 4p.

<small>[ May 26, 2003, 04:58 PM: Message edited by: hurting12 ]</small>

Updates ????. -rh-

I got her to work. Don't think I did a single LB today. Only came close when I got back from the store. WS was sitting outside writing a letter and I said in a calm nonsarcastic voice "Since you're writing him a letter I can't sit out here with you can I?" She said I could so I did. Even after WS finished letter she was withdrawn, didn't want to talk so I just sat beside her and hummed softly to myself.

Saw very little of that letter, but what I did leads me to believe she is getting ready to move or something. I don't know ,all I was really able to read was " If I was to........Would you be ready for that." Not really enough out of a 3 page letter to tell much but coupled with her being so withdrawn I think she's getting ready to make a decision about something and I sure I won't like it lol.

When I was dropping her off I told her "I just want you to remember that I love you." She held up her hand and said "don't." I replied "You said I could tell you that. So, until you tell me I can't I will." She went in without telling me I can't so I still will. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Not much else to update on. I've been in a good mood all day, hope it lasts. My daughters are having a friend over for dinner and a vidio tonight so should have a pleasant evening without thinking about this too much.

I just say the movie (2nd Harry Potter) yesterday so I may get bored and come back here to read and post.

If you've read this thread I would like your advice.
Is it time to tell the kids that mom and I are having some problems? I'm sure that they know something is up but I want to reassure them that it's nothing they did and there is nothing they can do to help fix it. I worry alot about them. Maybe more than I should at this point but I know whats probably coming and I wonder how much I can/should prepare them.

Any ideas helpful.
Never mind see below

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 05:14 PM: Message edited by: hurting12 ]</small>

You have to tell them ... according to their age. Most likely they already know. Good job on not LB'ed but I won't poke and dance around about OM. Keep it to yourself or bring it up full force.

-rh-

Thanks RH and your right I do need to quit poking about OM

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 05:15 PM: Message edited by: hurting12 ]</small>

I guess I don't need help with when to tell the kids now.

WS informed me today that she loves OM and is going to move in with him in a couple weeks.(When he gets out of rehab center.)We move up our MC to this thur to discuss how to break it to them with SH.

She is going to leave all 4 kids with me and agrees that children are not to see WS & OM together for 6 months. Of course that was easy for her to agree to as OM doesn't want to meet them until christmas. Says he saw how much that messed up his son in his last (3rd)divorce.

Was kind of suprised she will let me keep oldest as ,if you remember, he is not mine although I was there from 6 weeks after conception and he thinks he is mine.

No way to make this easy on the kids but at least she is trying to make it as easy as possible, barring working on our M.

I know I'll need some support over the next few weeks so reply early reply often lol. I'm so glad I found this site early. I would be a total basket case except for SH & this board.

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 05:14 PM: Message edited by: hurting12 ]</small>

h12,

I think you and your W ought to sit down together and try to decide what to tell the kids. I don't think that should be left up to just YOU or just HER.

You both need to agree on what they should be told and why it is happening. There are two sides to your story and they need to hear both. I think that would be easier to do if you both sat down and discussed it first.

jmho,
ba109

Thanks ba109 we will talk after we talk to SH and agree on what to tell them. Hey maybe she won't move out anything can happen in 2 weeks. Right?

I know i'm kidding myself but if it gets me through the next 2 weeks still in plan A then it's better than the alternative.

up please

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: hurting12 ]</small>

Don't think becasue you lose a battle that you will lose the war. There is a LONG thread that ou should read - the one by Marathonman in GQII. Especially read Mortarman's posts. I GUARANTEE you - your wife's relationship with this guy will not survive. The questions are: Will you still be there?, and Will she look to you as an attractive alternative?

The thread I refered to is here: MM post