I haven't written here in a while. The last 3 times I've posted, no one has responded. So, I've been trying to wing it on my own.
I feel so lost right now. I thought my WS and I have made some progress and I believed we finally made a real break through.
After so much back and forth fighting WS finally broke down and cried over our situation. He never admitted to any infidelity but said that he couldn't stand the ways things were and he felt lonely and lost outside the family. He did apologize for all the hurt he's caused me too. I thought that it was great for him to finally be humbled. I asked him if he still wanted to stay married and he said yes. I told him that that was all we needed to know and that we could take that and move forward from here as long as we both wanted to save our marriage.
I wanted to start fresh and I wanted to have a brand new relationship w/ him leaving all the garbage behind us. We both agreed that he shouldn't move back in right away, that we could "date".
Things have gone relatively well until this week. I have been running all over the place w/ kids and stuff. I pulled a big muscle in my neck and shoulder leaving me grouchy and w/ a terrible headache for 4 days. I'm exausted. WS could see I was in a bad mood the other day and in pain. I was a little short w/ him but not really directing mood at him. He responds w/ irritated look. (He tends to do this as if anything I say or do is inconveniencing him).

So, last night it just got worse cause he came in the house to pick up some rum to deliver to his friend/partner in business since he had some friends over at his beach house (H's friend's house). I snapped because I said that when his friend says jump, WS says how high? This guy is single, they were having girlfriends over and I felt left out once again.
WS said that he was just dropping rum off and coming back. I just feel that WS is always trying to play big shot and placing fun w/ buddies over considering what we could do as a family. He had his friend then call me and extend an invitation to come over and have a "cocktail" w/ them. I told this yahoo that I am a mother of 3 and I was not gonna leave my kids home to come over and drink w/ them.

I don't know what to do anymore. Everything is fine w/ WS as long as I agree w/ what he is doing. He makes plans to go places and never communicates it w/ me. He of course tells me that I need some help because I'm mentally unstable w/ my angry outbursts. He is never kind to me. I know I end up losing it and I should avoid all angry outbursts, but why is it so hard for him to be uplifting and to see the good qualities in me?
I told him I didn't understand his hostility toward me. Other people enjoy being around me. Other men would treat me w/ respect and tenderness. Why am I such a big fool? Why am I still hanging around? Please give me something to go on here. I am drowning and I just don't know where to go from here.

I'm sorry that you haven't had too many responses lately. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I know for me, I don't usually do too much reading anymore, because it gets me triggering again (even on the anti d's!).

This post is triggerring me as well, b/c my H always had a "buddy guy friend" who was just as much of a pain in the a$$ as an OW. In fact, H continued to choose this friend over his family, and that was part of the reason for my leaving him last November (of course, there were LOTS of other problems... but "bgf" was a HUGE problem for me).

I have a basic question for you... deep inside of you, what do you want to do? Plan A? Plan B? or just file for a D?

Karen

ljkm3,

Been wondering about you and sorry if I didn't respond to your previous posts.

As for your H, you are wise to let him win you back and you not take him as is. He is still not admitting an A and you are sure he had one? If so, radical honesty needs to be implemented.

Howz about you asking open ended 3rd party type questions like: "if this or that happened to U (H) what would U (H) do?"

Also, read through the book his needs/her needs. Leave it around in your room or somewhere he can see it and he might pick it up. Don't educate. Let him wonder about you. If he doubts your improvements, don't correct him. I learned to tell less helped bring the WS out of the fog. He spent more time wondering about what I would say or do that the OW's death grip lost some of it's strength.

You said you were not happy about when he jumps to help others yet when those others try to include you, you snap back (a bit). What message do you think that sends? If you were to do that whole situation over, what would you do different?

Hope your neck feels better. Is your H good at massages? Hm...... another healing touch technique good for recovery.

take care,
L.

Deep inside I want to use whatever plan a or b as a tool to help heal and restore my marriage. I really don't want a D. It's just that I have a hard time seeing us work through this.
My WS has led a very independant lifestyle for as long as we've been married.

Only now that I've suspected OW has the light gone on for me in seeing the areas I've enabled him. So now that I've had a wake up call for me everything has come into focus and I am able to set more boundries.

I've been trying not to educate him. I've gotten a little better at that. And I try to give him 3rd party scenarios. Sometimes he responds well to that.

You know what? I probably would have handled last night very differently. I blew up. I know I overreacted. I'm wondering if I should call him and tell him I overreacted and ask him to come over. Is that a good idea?

There are so many emotions bottled up inside of me. I just don't understand how he can say that he wants our marriage to work one day and then treats me like the scum of the earth the next day.

I've read and even given His needs Her needs to him. I gave it to him at a time he was receptive to it. I've read Lovebusters myself. That book had me crying cause for the first time I see so much of what I've been missing in my marriage and that I'm not crazy to want the things I'm asking for.

As far as whether or not he has had an A, all signs point to him fooling around. Everyone from pastors, counselors, friends etc. say he's been unfaithful based upon his secrets, lies, anger, and certain credit card purchases. H swears he never did. I don't have physical evidence, but it looks that way.

We both were going to a MC. Now we're not. I did talk to Steve Harley. He's awesome. But now I feel that WS need to see someone to find out why his behavior is this way. But I also know that I can't be the one to tell him or try to make him. I feel so helpless.

I've postponed all matters w/ attorney since I thought we were going to work on us. He knows this too. I'm not in a hurry to move in this direction. I am still praying for us.

I've worked hard on letting him see the changes in me. I feel much better about me because of the work I've been doing. Only w/ him I feel it's all in vain. I don't see him as caring about what I do one way or another. If I was on the outside looking in at myself I would say that I'm a dummy for still believing in my marriage. I would be saying...How many times do I have to be kicked when I'm down to get the message that he doesn't love me?!

Dear Ljkm3,

So where is the balance between what you would say to someone else vs how you feel you need to act?

Your situation and mine has it's similarities. For me it was more important that I do less and let the WS do more.

I had to resort to literally speaking to the wall. I told that story a couple of years ago and I still advocate it.

What do you currently do for your H that he should be doing for himself? Does he have self-esteem issues?

One of the hardest pieces of data to comprehend in this A stuff was: If he has low self-esteem, why take the A way out? Didn't make sense. Still doesn't.

take care,
L.

How long have you been in Plan A? Do you feel that you have executed a fairly good Plan A, showing him the best side of yourself? Have you been able to identify any emotional needs of his that were lacking in the marriage?

Depending on how long you have been doing this, I would suggest doing Plan B. It sounds to me like you are at a point in your marriage where nothing you do is effective, yet your continued contact is wearing you down tremendously and eroding your love for him. What you have been doing is not working. It sounds to me like its time to try something new. Something that protects you from the ongoing drain of seeing him.

Another huge problem is that he is almost certainly involved with someone else yet cruelly withholds that information from you. You are just spinning your wheels as long as he withholds that information from you. You are nowhere near anything approaching recovery if he persists in being dishonest. And that knowledge just adds to the daily Chinese torture you are enduring.

I honestly think that you are ripe for Plan B. I think it would alleviate some of the pressure you are under and may shake him to his senses. And if it doesn't, you will have taken steps to start focusing on *YOU* and building your life without him. I am so sorry you have to endure this hell.

Hi guys, I couldn't get back to this site cause my modem went down.

Orchid.. Please explain what you meant by asking what would I say to someone else vs. how I feel I need to act? I'm not clear on what you mean.

I thought it was interesting that you questioned WS's self esteem. Just recently have I been able to truly see that he does in fact have big esteem issues. My friend said that I always put my H up on a pedestal and thought his decisions were always the best. I never saw him as being weak or doubtful. I always saw him as the strong one. He is by nature extremely judgemental. He obsesses about his hair, car, size of his manhood. (he is always looking for supplements to enhance) He spent 4500 to laser the hair off his back. I never saw it all until now.

I would like any advice on ways I can help to build him up so that he feels less insecure.

Melody...Thank you for your input. I tried for very long to do a plan A. Then Steve Harley told me to move into a B. I sent the letter and started w/ B. After about 2 weeks H finally came in and broke down, cried and told me he was sorry for hurting me and that he did want to stay married. He said he was lonely and didn't like living apart from us. I told him I was willing to work on a brand new marriage and that he should still stay outside the house until we work through things. The problem is that we can't do this on our own. And I don't think he is willing to do anymore counselling. I truly don't even know where to go from here. Where do you start? I still don't know anything about him anymore. I have no idea about who he is. He has all kinds of friends that I never met. He doesn't include me in anything. He denies an A. I don't know if I'm just being stupid or if I'm doing the right thing by sticking it out.

Give me yout input. Thanks!