Hi Foolish Bird,
What a creative name!!
I've been mentoring, somewhat, your W and she asked me to pop over here and see if there was anything I could offer.
Most of what others have posted to you is accurate. The only way to begin to recover from any addiction is to remove the source of that addiction. So, if your issue was alcohol rather than this woman, we would need to get you away from all sources or alcohol and put precautions in place that made it very difficult for you to drink in the future.
That would be things like being completely honest with your wife.... not just about where you are, and what your plans are for the day... although those things are essential. But radical honesty also means sharing with her how you feel.... even when hearing it is going to be painful for her.... or when it's scary for you to share.
Honesty means letting your partner know that you are struggling with the grief and missing the other person; it means telling her when the temptation to pick up the phone or send an email is almost overwhelming.
It is only with that level of honesty, adding emotional honesty to the picture, that you can really create the extreme precautions needed to ensure that your spouse is not hurt in this way again.
Ok, so the first step is ending the A. Cutting off all contact with the source of the addiction. You do that by sending a letter that states certain things.... you don't do it in person over a bottle of wine!! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Next you create an atmosphere of openess... of factual honesty, where all phone, email, snailmail, etc., accounts are revealed, along with their passwords. You also block her number from your phones and her email addy from your accounts.
You agree to accountability for time, whereabouts, and money 24/7. So you each know where the other is at any time, and can verify those wherabouts with a phone call or a visit. And really, the decisions about where you go and what you do, with whom, need to pass the Policy of Joint Agreement test.
You can expect to go through anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months of withdrawal once you end contact. Withdrawal is miserable. It's a grieving process because you will have lost someone that you care about very deeply. During this time you might want to talk to your family doc about anti-depressants to get you through the short term.
If during this time you have contact with the other woman, you'll feel an instant revitalization, and then all the hurt and the guilt and the confusion and the struggle will set in as well. When you end contact again, the withdrawal clock usually resets back at the beginning.
It's always in your best interest to make sure there is no further contact. It impedes your recovery and it is horribly cruel and painful for your wife. Although she's doing a good job of hanging in there now she won't be able to do it forever.
I talk to many women every week who are in this position.... and they all tell me that they'll always love their husbands, they'll wait for them to come back, they want to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. And then inevitably it happens.... one day they wake up and any feelings they had for their spouse is gone. Just like that. Suddenly they find they can't imagine wanting him to come back. What a tragedy that is for everyone!! Don't let that be the ending to your story.... it's so horribly painful for everyone involved.
Most affairs end. They're really not relationships based on care, integrity, or commitment. They're relationships that exist in a bubble and are founded on someone else's pain. Not a good starting point, you must admit. Of those relationships that go on to become permanent... that eventually end in marriage... something close to 85% end in divorce. Looking forward, your long term chances of happiness with this woman are statistically pretty grim.
Ok, so you end it, you send the n/c letter, you create conditions of radical honesty and openess in your marriage. Once the withdrawal begins to subside you can begin to address the issues in the marriage itself. Eliminating the things that are painful for either one of you, and the fun part... exploring what each of you needs to be happy and fulfilled in marriage and becoming experts at meeting those needs.
In the future, you'll both make your decision using the Policy of Joint Agreement,
Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse, so you'll never find yourself in this predicament again!
Recovery is hard work, but it's rewarding and fulfilling work. And in the end you have the spark and the passion with your wife that you've found in the affair... your family, your finances, your home, your lives are intact and protected. Really the best possible outcome.
Here are the things that need to go into a n/c letter to the other woman:No contact letter to the affair partner:
• Out of respect and love for spouse and children you realizes that you must never see or speak to lover again.
• The relationship with lover was cruel and thoughtless and your spouse did not deserve to be treated that way
• You are determined to be the spouse your partner deserves and have been missing
• You will not contact her again and ask that she respect your wish to end the relationship entirely
• Your spouse has been told all the details of the affair and will be told immediately if contact is attempted in the future.
You can write and send this letter today, and begin the journey back to peace in your life, and love in your marriage.
If there is anything I can help you with, I'm more than happy to do so. Once, long ago, I was the unfaithful spouse so I know some of what you are struggling with. My heart goes out to all of you.
All the best,
C
