Well not a very good holiday. Spent by myself after planning to be with wife. Talked to OW all day, but she says she wants to stay friends. Wife said she would end it but didn't. She is angry and STILL waiting for me to end it with OW. Judgement on my divorce in 2-3 weeks unless I stop it. Grad school starts in 3 weeks. I'm trying to keep my sanity.

The fact you had a bad weekend is your responsibility, not your W's and not the OW's.

The choice is yours. You end your M with your wife or you end it with the OW. You decide. You CANNOT have both. You cannot be "just friends" with the OW, you know that! NC is NC. You will not be able to recover your M unless there absolutely NC of any form with the OW. Your W will not tolerate continued contact with the OW and the OW will resent your ex (if the A turns into something more permanent, which is unlikely).

Your sanity will return when you actually take definitive action. Stop looking to everyone else to live your life and make your decisions. We only get one shot at this life and you are wasting it! Life is a participation sport and not a passive sport!!

It's time to get off your butt and do the work it will take to make your life better. No one can make you happy. Happiness is a state we achieve internally and share with others.

You don't have a plan. Why is that?

pepper,
I need a plan soon. I am going crazy, and I am driving my wife nuts too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blah34:
<strong>pepper,
I need a plan soon. I am going crazy, and I am driving my wife nuts too.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">sorry friend I think you need a spine and not a plan. It seems pretty simple. Tell your wife that you are giving up the OW, and MEAN it. Apologise and ask her to take you back. Her conditions will be your plan.

Now take some responsibility

Pepper,
Should I try plan A and plan B? Wife and i cannot seem to get along.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should I try plan A and plan B? Wife and i cannot seem to get along.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you have it backwards. If you're the one involved in the A, the only plan you should have is to completely end your contact with the OW and determine to make your relationship with your wife work.

Plan A & B are for the BS to decide on and put into play.

You're plan is to;

1 - End the affair immediately & in no uncertain terms. (make sure ow knows the affair is over & that it was a mistake. There will be no, "we had good times, I will miss you" type stuff.
2 - Confess all to your wife and apologize that you were totally wrong for the affair.

Chris-CA 123

In some ways, Blah's postings here are classic examples of "fog". For anyone who asks what "fog" is, or questions the existence of "fog" ..... they should be linked to Blah's classic foggese threads.

(Blah, this is not an insult to you personally, or a dig to minimize your confusion and pain .... because your confusion and pain and illogical thinking is typical for the WS fog. You CAN get better .... but Blah, you've got a brain .... USE IT!)

The entire time Blah has been posting I kept thinking .... "He is soooo foggy, no wonder he can't decide. He has lost his ability to follow through with rational cause and effect thinking." Gawd, that must be weird!

Pep

pepper,
there are 2 sides to every story. When I ended contact with OW, my wife kept doing the 3 mistakes she is not supposed to "demands, direspect, and angry outbursts". This is with a long and difficult history of the SAME kind of behavior. I know my affair is wrong, but when I sincerely try NC and I get really depressed, even suicidal , wife says "You never cry when I left, you never got so sad when I left, never understand my feelings" Well she has to let me grieve, get through the widthdrawl. This is a negociation, this is a meeting each other in our problem. There is no understanding. I know the rhetoric on here is to work out the marriage, that is good. But we have to look at if the thing is possible or not sometimes. I mean my wife HAS TO meet me half way, if she shows how kind she really is, then I am apt to be attracted to her, and feel yes I have made the right choice....but she always seems to push and push me away

B

you have it all all all wrong. Your wife has to do absolutely nothing you demand. She doesn't have to meet you half way she doesn't have to be kind. YOU WERE NOT EVEN DECENT SO GET OVER IT CHOOSE THE OW SOUNDS LIKE YOUR WIFE WOULD BE BETTER OFF IF YOU LET HER GET ON WITH GETTING OVER YOU.

Sorry, my WH can't give up OW either. HE is about to be in your shoes.

You are in no way ready to start a true marriage. It is obvious by your continued contact with OW. Do you honestly believe that every BS should let their spouse cry on their shoulder over the OP? Not everyone is built that way. Would YOU if the roles were reversed? I doubt it. Stop the victim role. You created this mess but you have no back bone to end it. You want everyone else to make the choices for you so you won't feel guilty. When your wife does decide she has had enough of your BS then you will only have the person in the mirror to blame.

She is angry and STILL waiting for me to end it with OW.
and your point is?

When I ended contact with OW, my wife kept doing the 3 mistakes she is not supposed to "demands, direspect, and angry outbursts".
1 - You didn't end contact.
2 - Since she made "mistakes", it's okay for you to continue the affair?

I mean my wife HAS TO meet me half way,
Very true. You both need to be on the 50 yard line.
She is on the 40 yard line.
You are so far back you are not even in the stadium!

but she always seems to push and push me away
Because you continue to have an affair.

I dont think you understand this time. The same behavior that drove me to have an affair is the same that drives me away now. My fears get reinforced every time those behaviors happen. I DO have rights and I will NOT be abused because I had an affair. There has to be a willingness on each other's parts to work on the problem together. I hear a lot of vengance here, that will not restore ANY marriage. Dont tell me I am not ready for any marriage, that is merely your opinion.

Their is NO WILLINGNESS on your part to repair the marriage. NONE WHAT SO EVER and you prove it everytime you speak/sleep/deal with OW. You are all talk!
You have no idea what ABUSE is. You abuse your wife evertime you lie to her, deceive her and cheat on her. And you state that their is alot of VENGENCE hear....HELLO...are you that clueless...this is a MARRIAGE BUILDERS SITE, this is not a site to play the VICTIM ROLE. And that is all you do here.
When you are SERIOUS about getting your marriage back that is when people will communicate with you as if you are an adult, because right now you are acting like a selfish, whiney [censored] bratty child.
People make mistakes, yes we know that, but stop pushing off your AFFAIR as your WIFES FAULT!
Ooopps, I forgot to add this is MY OPINION. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: trying2_4give ]</small>

You're funny...

The same behavior that drove me to have an affair is the same that drives me away now.
NOTHING she did drove you to an affair. It was a poor choice which you continue to make every day.

I DO have rights and I will NOT be abused because I had an affair.
Continue to have an affair...

There has to be a willingness on each other's parts to work on the problem together.
And you have shown NO willingness to work on anything.

I hear a lot of vengance here, that will not restore ANY marriage.
I don't think there should be any vengance.
But having an affair & continuing it will not restore any marraige either.
Neither will thinking that you "deserve" to have your spouse roll over and give you everything you want in order to end your affair.

Wow, the screen is still smoking from this thread! Blah, you must be kidding! You don't want to be abused because you had an affair, but you don't seem to realize that continued contact with OW is the biggest form of abuse you can visit upon your wife! And as for "the same behavior that drove me to have an affair is the same behavior that drives me away now" - a more self-serving statement would be hard to find. Nobody "drove" you to have an affair - it was YOUR choice. You decided to react to your wife's behavior, whatever it was, by committing adultery. That's not about her - that's about you. If you object to your wife's behavior, fine, address it with her. That's a legitimate complaint. But for you to say that the "same behavior drives me away now" is to threaten her and hold her an emotional hostage. Not a very manly or loving thing to do, is it?

Remember this: both partners are responsible for the state of the marriage UP TO THE POINT OF THE AFFAIR. After that, the full blame and responsibility for the affair rests with the wandering spouse.

If you want to work on your marriage, you must end your affair and maintain no contact with OW. You must apologize to your wife for the pain you've caused her, for no matter what she may have done, she doesn't deserve to be betrayed, any more than you would if she objected to some behavior of yours. You know, like continuing an affair! Are you beginning to understand where I'm coming from?

Dust off your integrity and do the right thing. Either end the marriage or end the affair. You can't have it both ways. And from what I've read of your attitude, your wife just might be better off without you.

In response to Pepper's fog post.
LOL....this ain't fog, it's cement!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anyway, Blah as long as you avoid personal responsiblity and as long as you play the victim nothing will change for you. Not sure how you expected your W to respond to this but she has every right to be furious with you. It was your choice to have an A...no one drove you to it. Instead of looking outside your M to solve problems you should have dealt with your W.

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

Blah, what did your therapist say last week? Are you taking any medications for depression? For stress? Do you use any recreational drugs to relax?

You are having problems thinking .... your posts show it.

Pepper

Blah ... even if your wife is an ogre .... your goodness (honor, honesty, faithfulness) is in your hands, not hers.