OK, I am starting to get quite confused!!

In the original Plan B letter, I made it quite clear (albeit quite abruptly) that no contact was to be made until WH and OW have gone their separate ways. Chris, yes it does read like "you had an A and now I'm not going to speak to you". Water under the bridge - the letter has been sent and acknowledged. It also clearly leaves the door open for communication once the A is over.

This is re-posted below.

Dear H,
I write this letter as a follow on from our conversation last night. I do not want there to be any misunderstandings between us.

I have apologised to you for not knowing how to meet your needs during the time we spent together. After a lot of reflection and thought, I can see that you expected and needed me to be more affectionate, to admire you more, be less demanding towards you and more sensitive of your feelings. I would gladly have met these needs had I known what to do.

I realise how unhappy you became in our marriage; you have told me how much I irritate you and cause you anxiety. This is painful to hear because your happiness is very important to me. I don't want to contribute to your unhappiness - which is one reason you should not contact me.

The main reason you should not contact me, however, is because you insist on continuing your relationship with OW. There is no way that I will continue to put up with this. I will avoid seeing or talking to you until you have ended your relationship with Christina for once and for all. Please do not phone, send text messages or e-mails. If you must contact me for any reason please do so via X (phone #) or Y (phone #).

When we married, we married ouf our own free will. We also have the free will to choose to work on our marriage or to find happiness elsewhere. I do still love you, although sometimes I'm not sure just why.

I want you to be happy and to have the life you want and deserve.

With love,

Claire
PS - Please respect my decision to separate from you in this manner, You must be aware by now of the pain and suffering I have endured because of your ongoing relationship with OW. Please do not return to my life with her as well.

Yes, it's a pretty awful attempt at a Plan B letter. I tried to avoid being lovey dovey & gushy, plus I had just read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" when I wrote it ....

Excerpts from his reply:
*I will respect your wishes with regard to communication, but before you cut me off completely, I will respond to your note.

*I still love you with the same strength and passion I always have. My problem now is that I seem to be in some strange depression, and although I want to return to you, I find my mind rebelling.

*My mental stalemate is causing me to become very depressed

*I still do believe in you, that is why I find all of this so distressing.

*LIke you I have had enough of all of this craziness and uncertainty

*Our problems in the past came from lack of communication. I understand the position that you have taken of stopping all communication, although I must admit that the irony of this is not lost on me.

It was on this last point that I got stuck.

If he really understands the position I have taken, that must mean that he chooses to continue the A. Before the Plan B letter, he had said it's none of my business whether he continues to see her, and that he won't stop seeing her just because of me ("she's been such
a good friend, afterall"). But, this doesn't fit with him saying
he wants to return to the marriage.

I take the message in his response to be:
- I can't commit to you and our M.
- I am trying to sort out my life and I don't want to give up OW.
- Since you've put this decision in front of me, I will go along with what I feel like doing - which is staying in contact with OW, despite the fact that you will no longer be in my life. It's worth giving you up for her!

(Eventually I may even be able to blame our DV back on you for cutting off communication at this point!!! ...oops, that was taking it a bit too far.

I just can't seem to see straight at the moment.

Do I need to respond to his letter, or not? My concern was that he might have thought that I never wanted to speak to him again at all. Now after thinking about it for some time, I believe he got the message I intended, and his choice is to continue the relationship with her. Hardly a new insult to me. And also a typical Plan B scenario?

I don't think there would be anything to be gained by sending a second plan B letter. (Tell me if you think I'm missing something here!!)

I think I am just trying to cling on to hope - kidding myself that he misunderstood the Plan B message - and that's why he hasn't come running back. But it is more likely that he did get the correct Plan B message and is choosing OW.

Time to face facts.

Claire

I wouldn't beat yourself up over it My (hopefully constructive) comments would be:

yes, some confusion is possible there (to my understanding of what a plan B letter is) in that you possibly don't make clear enough that you are willing to re-establish the relationship (or at least work on a plan to do this) if he meets the conditions - it sounds more like you will talk to him again after the A ends but that is it, but not before. He might (especially in the fog!) interpret this as a choice:
- keep his 'wonder woman' and not talk to you, or
- have nobody but be able to talk to you

My recommendation would be to draft a FINAL reply to this communication from him:

Clarify
1) You still love him, but are breaking off contact because his continuing relationship hurts you too much and damages the love you have left for him - which you want to preserve
2) You will happily discuss reconciliation at any stage in the future, but not unless OW is completely out of the picture
3) Make reference to whatever plan A 'changes' you have made and to your willingness to meet his needs in the future in the context of an exclusive relationship

I'm sure others will have more useful advice. I see some signs of hope there if that is any consolation.

Good luck

S.

He did get the message. You know this; you said it yourself:

"I think I am just trying to cling on to hope - kidding myself that he misunderstood the Plan B message - and that's why he hasn't come running back. But it is more likely that he did get the correct Plan B message and is choosing OW."

He hasn't made a choice yet - he knows he is faced with one, but he hasn't made it yet. He may choose you, he may choose her. His days of fence sitting are coming to a close. Maybe that's the source of his depression...

It's fine to be hopeful. Give Plan B some time to work. By that I mean give time for his OW to be responsible for meeting all his needs. She may be able to do it, but she may not be able to do it. If he's depressed about losing you, as he claims, that alone may spark some LBs from OW. That would be a very good thing.

Don't contact him. Stick to what you outlined in your letter. Stay strong for yourself. Ongoing contact after you proclaim there will be none makes you appear weak in his eyes. Don't allow that to happen.

It's my understanding that, if he doesn't come 'round, a good Plan B will help drain his account in your love bank so that it is not so difficult for you.

Either way, I'd say stick to the plan. And be very good to yourself - pamper yourself as much as you can.

Good luck,

I do believe the first letter you sent was fine & clear about no contact. However, it could have been better about why & what you were trying to accomplish by no contact.

One of the big reasons I commented that it could have been better was that it was not very loving at all.

It seemed more of, "Hah. I'll show you!"

There should be NO DOUBT as to why you are doing it. It shold be VERY CLEAR that you;
- want to remain married.
- still love him.
- do NOT want a divorce.
- cannot remain in contact because it hurts too much. (not simply because he is still in contact with her)

There should be no lovebusters.
Do not tell him what he is thinking or feeling.
you have told me how much I irritate you and cause you anxiety. This is painful to hear because your happiness is very important to me. I don't want to contribute to your unhappiness - which is one reason you should not contact me.
This is a pretty bad comment at him.

His responses are very typical.

*I still do believe in you, that is why I find all of this so distressing.

*LIke you I have had enough of all of this craziness and uncertainty

*Our problems in the past came from lack of communication. I understand the position that you have taken of stopping all communication, although I must admit that the irony of this is not lost on me.
To me, this looks like he thinks you're just ending it.

I wouldn't send any comments back to him. Think about it for a while.

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I do still love you, although sometimes I'm not sure just why.


Even if you mean that, it doesn't sound too good or too promising. When I wrote a Plan B letter, I mentioned some reasons why I DID love my husband (of course the unfoggy husband) so that it showed my love for him.

oops double

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 02:58 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

Thanks Chris, Salerio, adgirl, msjpw

I know the letter I sent wasn't the best. It's too late to go back. I drafted 3 versions, read SAA's example, and the post on this site containing other examples, unfortunately this was the best I could do at the time.

I don't have the energy to address this matter at the moment.

Most of the people who know about my situation are telling me to get rid of him, even WH's uncle who is the vicar who married us! The only person who is for saving the marriage seems to be the counsellor we saw.

I just don't know what to do. I live in daily hope that he will turn up, or phone, or make contact. I am missing him terribly, but also thinking about how long this has been dragging on for now - 2 months since DDay, 3 months since I returned to an empty house, nearly 6 months since we lived in the same house, and 8 months since the PA started ... who knows about the EA. I really think if he wanted to come back, he would have by now.

Claire

Hang in there. The letter wasn't a bad letter, just as you say not the best you are capable of.

Remember that the most important person in wanting to save the marriage is YOU. You want to save it or you wouldn't be here. Your comments about living in hope and missing him show that too.

It is only 2 months since he had to face the reality of you knowing. I see positive signs in what he wrote back to you - even the fact that he wrote back!

Far more experienced members than me (my D-Day is only 6 weeks ago) have suggested you don't get back to him, but I think you need to balance the need for clarification with the need to maintain a 'plan B'. If you are to reply I think it has to be short, indicate that is for clarification only (i.e. not to initiate/maintain correpsondence), and just address the shortcomings, such as they were, of your original letter. Also, I see no need to rush it - I don't think anything would be lost by waiting a week or more to get the right letter, and not to look desperate (which if you feel like me, is how you probably feel).