Hi Everyone...

I have not posted in about a week. Things have been crazy for me. H still in contact with OW and I dont see him stopping anytime soon. But with that said I need to tell you something he has said to me and need opinions.

It has been almost 12 weeks since D-Day. H has been in IC for about 11 weeks. We have our 2nd MC together on Fri. All along H has told me he still loves me and his A was not my fault. He has also told me that he loves OW. Which of course then I transfer blame..making it all about her. I have tried to plan A but have a very hard time sticking to it. "Today I basically told H this was the first day of the rest of my life and that he could chose to be in it or not. I was not going to live this way anymore....etc"

Well this afternoon H told me that I still didnt get what has happened here. He told me it had nothing to do with OW. He also said he didint feel like it had to do with me either. H went to explain that right now he feels like "nothing in his life is his, that he is a puppet and as long as he stays within the boundaries everything is okay." H says this has to do with him no one else. H also said I didnt make him feel this way..I wasnt even demanding. I asked him how I could help and he said he had no idea. I am at a complete lost on how tho proceed with this situation...Please help.

I have other post under GQ and alot of background in Just Found Out

Thanks

L

Lisa0705,

He is in the fog ... don't argue and give him reason to. If OW is not the reason then what is the reason ? .... listen carefully, those are your possible plan A materials. Focus on plan A, about you fixing his complaint and forget about OW & his A. I know it is very hard but you have to do it. When you are done with your plan A you could walk into plan B w/o any difficulty.

Don't take his words personally ... just take it as if is came from insane but beloved one.

-rh-

Redhat..

Thanks for the response. I hear what you are saying but I have two more questions. H told me he felt the same way in his previous relationship. So could it possibly be something else going on with him that he does not know how to handle?

My other question is that H tells me also he feels so far away from me. Is this because I have not been able to Plan A on a regular basis. I feel as though I have not created a safe environment for him to be able to reach out to me...Any thoughts from anyone..thanx

L

Hi Everyone,

I have another question to go along with the ones I posted yesterday. When H and I were talking yesterday and he said he feels like a puppet, he also said to me that I wanted him to come crawling back to me and tell me everything will be okay. Well this really hurt. H also said he does not know if he could ever do. I kinda dont understand because we are still living together and he has told me how sorry he is and that he will regret what he has done to me until the day he dies. Could it just be fog talk and because he is still involved with OW? Talk to later

Lisa,

My wh has a big fear or having to make this up to me for life.... Don't make him feel any more guilt if you can avoid it. He is probably consumed in guilt and cannot face you with what he has done. My wh still will not admit he went all the way with ow... When I tell him I think he did- he fights like crazy to prove I am wrong and only dillusional. He makes me think he probably didn't. I sure would like to shake the truth out of someone....!!

Anyway, I have to rush to work. Sounds like you are doing an excellent plan A. Stick close to MB, and find some support - support groups, friends, etc... even Ind. Counseling to help you survive- but that must be with someone who will support you in your efforts to save the M. Many counselors will encourage you not to be disrespected like this, and to throw the bum out... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I know that makes sense in a way, those types of counselors reasoning, but it will not save your M.

Hugs and Hope, Honey

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa0705:
<strong>Hi Everyone,

I have another question to go along with the ones I posted yesterday. When H and I were talking yesterday and he said he feels like a puppet, he also said to me that I wanted him to come crawling back to me and tell me everything will be okay. Well this really hurt. H also said he does not know if he could ever do. I kinda dont understand because we are still living together and he has told me how sorry he is and that he will regret what he has done to me until the day he dies. Could it just be fog talk and because he is still involved with OW? Talk to later</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lisa,

What you want and what he can do are not the right now. In fact they may appear to be from different planets. Totally out of alignment. Not even in the same sane galaxy. That is what the A does to the brain.....scrambles it..... like drugs.... has all the trapsing of an addiction.....you feel like his mind has been abducted by aliens. Am I close?

He will blame you for stuff you never knew you did. Remember this, take the blame if it is truly your fault. When it is NOT your fault, give the blame back to him as gently as possible.

ex1:

WS: It is your fault that I had the A.
BS: How so?

WS: Well..... I don't know but it is your fault.
BS: Hm..... well howz about you take the blame until you can explain it to me. This is just too hard for me to figure out.

ex2:
WS: It isn't about the OW or you. It just is.
BS: Hm.... can't work with that logic, please....tell me more.

ex3:
WS: I feel like a puppet. Nothing is MY Choice.
BS: Yep, I certainly know how you feel. Guess we are both someone's puppet. What do you think about cutting the string and attacking the one controlling us? Do you know who that is?

What is the purpose of these examples? To show you how to respond without taking his blame or anger. Agree where you can and don't be afraid to admit you don't know the answer.

Learn to Breathe...... breathe..... breathe..... cleansing breathes.... then pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Something the WS' and OPs don't have. Use that piece of info to your advantage.

take care,
L.

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 11:59 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Lisa , How are you? Been thinking of you , I hope all is going well in MC and the N/C , is it ? or Isn't it?

I am really happy to see Orchid is posting to you , read all and listen she is a wonderful person with great words of wisdom .

Stay strong and be well , how are kids doing ?

Post soon let us know , whats up , or just vent !!

Got to go , (((((HUGS)))))))))

Hi Orchid,

Thanks for the advice..everyone here raves about you. Hope I get the opportunity to talk to you some more.

Thanks

L.

3,

Hi how are you? Seems things have been crazy for you. Hope you are doing fine though. Thanks for thinking of me..it means alot.

Things are basically the same. They are still talking but I am handling it alot better. I get H. to respond to me alot better when I am not acting like a wacko. We had our 2nd MC on Fri...its still very early but seems to be going okay.

This morning H. told me "You know I love you very very much." H actually said it to me first. Something he has not been able to do in a long time. We went out together Thursday nite and had a good time. We spent today together..we took a ride down the shore and walked on the Boardwalk with the two little ones. They went on some rides and we all had a good time. OW called and he talked to her but I didnt go crazy..after he hung up H said to me "babe I am here with you right."

We have alot of stuff going on with our business also, so we have been quite busy. I dont know..but I hope the end is near for them. Talk to you soon. Let me know whats going on with you. Hugs to you!!!!

L

Hey Everyone,

This weekend was probably the best weekend in a long time. H and I felt very close, something that has been missing for about 1 year. I have been focusing on us and not talking about OW at all. It is weird when I dont talk about OW H seems to want to talk to me about OW. I listen and try to be as understanding and supportive as possible without losing my self-respect or dignity. From what I have gotten from him, it seems that she is starting to LB a little bit. She knew we spent the whole weekend together. She must have called his cell phone at least 7 times on Saturday while we were together. I am taking it day by day and feel pretty good. H told me yesterday how good he has felt the past two days..he said he feels like he has "awoken from a year long drinking binge." Also last night he told me how he thought things have been different between us the past couple of days..he said for the better. I said yes I thought so to. I told him I have felt closer to him these past days than I have in a long time. H said he felt the same way. Well I guess we will see what today brings. Talk to you all real soon

Hi Lisa,

I just checked on MB and saw your post. Well it has been less than 6 months for you since d/d so you are where most of us where, just getting over the shock. If Redhat comes back and posts he can share the thread about the 5 stages of grieving. This thread is what the BS goes through, each emotional stage. See the BS gets to ride that emotional roller coaster regardless of whether we want to or not. Can't imagine who would want that.

Anywhoze, you need to get back on your feet. Your body, mind and heart can only take sooo much of the A stuff. Your adrenaline will be peetering out soon and for your health sake, you will need to step away from the A and it's devastating effects.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Much of what you are being told may go in one ear and out the other. This is normal and we undertand.... why? Been there done that!!! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But I will tell you that anyway because you need to eventually have a clear mind and a calm heart to be able to deal sensibly with this crap.

As for your H babbling about not you or ow, his puppet moods, whatever..... it is very much the WS way. Listen to what he is saying (because he truly believes it), when you find yourself wanting to bash him in for talking soooo stupid (means you can't plan A anymore)..... then ask him if he would believe his words if they spilled out of your mouth. After all my reasoning attempts with my WS (he said the same stuff almost verbatum <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ), the only consistent response I got was when I put him in my driver's seat with that question. He answered fairly quickly (in the fog it use to take up to 2 weeks to get a response.... imagine that.... would you like steak or chicken for dinner????? 2 weeks later... 'uuuhhh.....chicken!' Really, I thought I had Patrick Star (you have to be a spongebob fan) in the house!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

What are you doing to keep up your personal support? Have you read any of the books yet?

Learn to keep busy. In your case, the OW is pushy (all those phone calls). This is a good sign. Nothing better for a BS when a WS hooks up with a wacko of a OP. I had the distinct or was that stink pleasure of dealing with PBR she earned those initials which stood for Psycho Babble Rabbit!!!

Thanks for the compliment. I am not that great....just like to post a lot!!!

take care and let us know how you are doing.

L.