I have been posting under "LOST"

I have some Plan A questions

Redhat has been helpng alot.

Some of my questions are

I know I should not talk about recovery until she does now.
1. how long do I do this?
2. Should I tell her that her behavior is not acceptable? i.e. ... Going out on the weekends, and calling me all week
3. Should I keep asking her to do things, or just see her when she needs somthing?
4. Should I keep telling her that I lover her when I talk to her as I have done in the past?

I will keep posting on both threads

Thaks for your support and help

Hi Paul

These are my (as a newbie) interpretations:

1) As long as you can, without it becoming permanent, it is a precursor to plan B, so cannot be indefinite. You need an upper time limit too.
2) Boundaries are okay, but you have to be able to enforce them I think - this is an area I struggle with at the moment, so maybe someone can shed some light here
3) You have to balance not smothering her with trying to fulfil her needs. If she rejects you, try to let it pass and not LB
4) As above

Thanks for the reply.

WOW, This may be harder than I thought. She doesnt reject me saying I love her, but she just tells me ok. Evry now and then she says it back. I think out of habit though.

We were supposed to go to the movis or somthing tonight.

should I ask about that or let it go. I asked her last week. She may have even forgot.

If you read my other post LOST you may get a view of whats going on.

I put in there that I will be seeing her in about an hour. I am so nervous I am affraid I will slip and try to talk. Also I dont know if I should just hang out with her till she says she is ready for me to leave or what.

Dang this is comlicated. I just want to show her That I can be what she is wanting like she has before

P.S. I just wanted to add we talk fine on the phone that is why this is so hard. I dont know that is the hard part about all of this.

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 08:44 AM: Message edited by: pbrown30 ]</small>

Sorry about this, but another thing. We talked about her weekend. She told me about it didnt mentoim OM. I didn't expect her to talk about if she is having an A. She asked me what I did mon. I told her I hung out with one of my buddies for a while and the sat at home.

She asked me this question and it blew my mind

" YOU DIDN'T MAKE ANY DESPRATE PHONE CALLS??"

I asked what that ment. I knew what she was saying, but wanted her to say it. She said " you didnt call any girls cause are desprate?"

What the hell was that all about? DONT KNOW

The website mentions a 6 month time span for BH's.

Definitely ask about the movies, but don't beg - just remind and query if it is happening.

Talk to her, just don't be angry, disprespectful, needy demanding etc - i.e. lovebusting

That (the girls) comment is, IMO, a way of deflecting guilt onto you, i.e. if he does, then it validates what I do.

well then i geuss i will see what happens. I am fixin to see her in a bit. I will post later

Well I spent all day with her. It was good. She talked to OM twice I think. While I was with her. Is she just sick.

Anyway. We spent all day together. I did talk to her about us. SORRY EVERYONE. It wasnt bad though. NO LBing. She listened and even responded. She just said that everything I am dioing is not like me, and I need to relax and let things work out the way they are supposed to.

I got the parts for her car and fixed it. we even held hands on the way ro get them. she huged me, leaned on me when I was talking to my buddy about the parts.

SO CONFUSED. I took her to the doctor. OH BEFORE THAT. i went to pick up a prescriptin for her, she called and asked if I copuld get a preg. test for her. My stomach droped. We have not been sexual in about a month. I wenty through the same thing in my first marraige. She said she always takes one before she goes to the doctor.

We went to the doctor. she laid her head on my shoulder and I rubber her back. In ywo years I never been to the doctor with her, even after a wreck I didnt go(WISH I WOULD HAVE THOUGH).

I did not go in with her though. just waited. She may have a thyroid problem, and a bleeding ulcer.

Well we wnt to pick up her son he is 4yrs. The meds made her sleepy, we went to her parents house were she is staying. Her son and I played outside while she slept.

HERE IS THE KILLER. She said she was gonna be leaving in a bit to do some stuff for cour from her wreck a year ago. I said with who? She said a friend. I said a friend. SHe said yeah. I said who? She said someone. I said WHMM friends with no names. The phone rang that funny ring he has to identify him. We walked outside. She hugged me I told her I ejoyed the day. SHe said me too. We hugged again, little peck, now she is off. To see HIM.

Am I nuts or what. I am trying to act like it is ok, it isnt, but I dont want to LB.

Let me give you some info on him

SHE IS 22
I AM 29

DING DONG IS F$%^#$G 43

WHO IS NUTS HERE, she acts like its no big deal. she told me when I found out about him that he was someone who liked her and got her a job.

WHAT TANGLED WEBS WE WEAVE

Here is more: She left to see him around 6pm. Her sons dad picked him up then, and was bringing him home at 9pm. SHe told me that she called around 8:30 told me she was on her way to pick her son up. We talked and the she asked about some cookie dough that my son had gotten from a school order. I said she could have some then she asked if I would bring it to her.

I said I would, I aske dif she wanted somthing to eat since I was gonna get me somthing any way. She did and said You can come over if you want and hang out for a while.

went over there, hung out for a bit, about 45min. she siad she was gonna go to bed. we walked outside, she asked me to hug her, I did, she said I want you to hold me, I did, then she said she wanted to be held all night.

I gave her lil peck kisses. Then I went home.

THIS IS THE WEIRDEST THING I HAVE EVER BEEN IN. I HAVE NOT A CLUE WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE

well sounds a bit like the way my WW is behaving right now.

My guess is it is a combination of guilt, and fence-sitting. I'm rolling with it as part of plan A, but once into plan B, it ALL stops.

I dont know what it is. She called me this mornig abd askied if I could check on somthings for her. I did. She also asked If i could bring her some lunc if I had nothing planned. I'm gonna bring it to her. she said I could hang out with her for a bit cause they havent been to busy.

She called again just to chit chat. SHe said she would be screwed if it wasnt for me doing all these things for her. She also said " YOU ARE THE BEST".

I guess Plan A is working. or she just knows I would do anything for her, and taking advantage of it. This is all new to me, meaning I never did this kind of stuff before. Like talk her things to work. I usually had other things to do, now I put those other things aside.

I will just keep plugging along. I know at this point if I ask about her "FRIEND" it would not be good thing

Keep it consistent and keep plan A'ng along. You have to do it to convince her that the changes are for good and become habit. Don't bring up her freind until you are done with your plan A.

-rh-

Well we hung out together all day fri. We had a good time she even sat in my lap looked into my eyes, and I told her I wanted to kiss her so bad. She told me no. I told her that was ok cause I was taking things slow in hopes that she would fall in love with me again. I told her that is why I dont say anything about her going to her "friends" house. then she just started kissing me.

Well around 8:30 her phone rang with that certtain ring. we were in a craft store. She talked to him. Then I heard her say that she did need to get somthing to eat. I had asked her to go to dinner. I was upset, but held it in. Then we went to another store. She asked if I wanted to look around. I told her no you have plans.

She told me on the way home that she liked being with me, cause it made her feel like a family again.

when we got to my house. I started getting ready for bed. She laid next to me We kissed some more. Then she left around 9:30. She called 11:30 and asked if I was alsleep. I wasnt. she said her stomach hurt, cause she ate chinesse food. I told her that if she wanted to come over she could. she did and spent the night. We just slept holding each other.

I am at work now. She called a bit ago. to tell me that some flowers that I gave her got thrown in the trash by her parents. She was crying.

I try now to call her and no answer. I hate being at work cause there is nothing I can do.. She is probably with him cause she would normally answer her phone.

I just pray that maybe she is seeing the light. I hope she didnt run to him for support cause the flowers I gave her got throwm in the trash.

Paul,

Your W is trying to 'push your buttons'. You are doing what she asks but she is denying most of what you ask.

Call it a cake walk, call it controlling....call it abusive and dumb. Now the question is how long can you or will you allow it?

Some of plan A shows the WS with this behavior. The BS feels like a doormat and then if it stays that way the BS moves forward to plan B.

You will have to decide when that is. Right now she appears to be stringing you along.

IMHO, you need to let her see you move forward and let her keep 'wondering about you'. The OM is already showing his needy side.

Also what she does is show you that she is keeping you in suspense so you will be at her beck and call. You need to do that to her.

Think about those options.

JMHO,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong> what she does is show you that she is keeping you in suspense so you will be at her beck and call. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid,

I have to respectfully disagree with this comment. I think if Paul's in Plan A, then he should be at his W's "beck and call." This is showing her that he cares, he is "there" for her, and always will be.....and is meeting some needs of hers.

When (if?) he needs to go to Plan B, ALL BETS ARE OFF and it will be at that point WW will realize how needy OM is and she will miss calling on Paul to "be there" cause he just won't.

God Bless,

Thats what I am tring to do show her that i will be there for her. These are things she complained of in the past. I love her very much. That is why i am doing this. I let her go to do what she wants or needs to do. I know this is not her. She just dont do this. I think she will see I am changing, atleast I hope.

I will continue to do this for a while.

Have yall seen 40days and 40 nights. remimber the part with the flower. We acted that out once. well yesterday she bought a portait of that flower 24"x36" she wants to put it over her bed. that kind hurts, but positive in a way.

HELL I DONT KNOW. I DO KNOW I WISH I WSNT AT WORK. ITS STILL A LONG WAY TILL6:30am WHEN I GET OFF

I told jer that earlier and she said she wishes I wasnt either.

<small>[ May 31, 2003, 08:24 PM: Message edited by: pbrown30 ]</small>