I have made alot of mistakes over the last few years. I was the WWS. I have caused so much pain for everyone. I have not been able to spend much time with my 2 sons who live with their Father. He seems to have all the control in that field. I miss them badly and cry almost everynight. I know what I did was wrong and I am trying so very hard to do the right thing.
I am afraid I would be going back to my husband just to be near the boys. I don't want to get back into something we will all regret in the end.
I would be expected to jump right back in it as a wife. What if I came back and realized I was not able to. I would be expected to be physical with him and I don't think that I can right now.
If I could not then what was it all for.
Do I deserve to not have my children for what I have done? Does one not have the opportunity to change ones life even if that means not returning home.
How do you get past all the What Ifs?
So much has been said and done on both sides.
The kids have been through hell.

I don't know what to do?
I have made some pretty bad judgement calls the last few years. Would this be another one.
I cannot move back without hindering his lifestyle.
I honestly don't know what to do next.
He doesnt really care one way or the other.
He has his friends and his life.
I don't know what he wants from me, from us.
I talk to him daily and all he does is ask a million and one questions.
I am totally confused at this point.
I try to talk about it with him and ask him if he will think about what he wants.
I get nothing from him.
IF we want to get together do we both start putting action into our words, or do we just continue to talk about it?

I am lost on this one.

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 11:38 AM: Message edited by: lucidity ]</small>

Are you divorced or have either of you filed yet?
Do you want a divorce?

We're glad you're here, hun. Please stick around. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We don't know if we have the right answers for you. I'm sorry for everything you and your family is going through. We'll do the best we can... to be here for you... to listen... and to help you and your family.

MB huggggggssssss.....

The path to recovery is narrow. Click on the link in my signature line, and read through the embedded links. They should answer a lot of your questions, and reduce your confusion, adn suggest some next steps. Then, come back her and ask more questions. If your husband is willing, I would suggest reading "Survivng an Affair" together. But, yes, at soem point you have to put words into action. If you follow the principles in SAA, you will nt return to the marriage you left - you will return to one that is much better for both of you.

"I am trying very hard to do the right thing."

List the "right things" you have done, and are currently doing. List your successes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

"I would be expected to jump right back in it as a wife."

Define what you mean, 'as a wife'. What does being a wife mean to you? Was your mother a wife? What 'wife' role model did you grow up with ....? Does being a wife frighten you? How do you know for certain he would expect this? Why not start off recovering a friendship and building trust first?

"How do you get past all the What ifs?"

By realizing no one has any guarantees in life, ever. By realizing 'What if' is an excuse, to avoid doing something brave.

"The kids have been through hell."

More reason to find your courage, and to drop all the 'What if' excuses. So you choose to prolong their hell rather than challenge yourself to try something that is difficult for you?

"I don't know what to do."
"I honestly don't know what to do next."
"I am totally confused at this point."
"I get nothing from him."
"I am lost on this one."

..... see a pattern here?

Choosing your life is your responsibility. Being paralized by your choices is a pattern you seem to be comfortable with....

....like the donkey medieval philosophers had fantasized as helpless, immobilized, and destined to starve to death because it stood equidistant from two equivalent bales of hay and could not decide which one to approach and eat .....

Stand still and starve, or take your chances by making an adult choice????? hmmmmm?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Lucidity,

Welcome to MB.

I know that your H posts here also.

I don't know what to say right now except that things can get better for you. I'm sure that both you and your H love all your children and want to be with them. That's not a bad starting point, but I believe that your relationship can end up being much much more than just "doing it for the kids".

Take it slowly. It sounds like you are really afraid of being "trapped" somehow in your marriage. I hope you can find a way to overcome that fear - to realize a marriage that is not a trap for either one of you, but a source of comfort and strength.

Keep posting. Tell us your view of your situation.

-AD

Lucid .... are you naked at the moment?

No? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Well, I guess you managed to make a decision about what to wear today. Did you struggle with 'What if' while considering the choices over today's wardrobe? No? Why not?

Are you afraid to return to the marriage because you still don't know how to speak up in your own strong voice?

Might you feel that men in your life have "contolled" you too often? ..... I get a really strong vibe here ..... you don't want to be controlled .... and you may have complained that your H was a controlling husband .... but yet, you project an image of a woman who prefers NOT to make choices .... hence the thread title "Total Confusion".

What say you?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

L: If you felt controlled in your marriage, and are worried about going back to that, I would suggest you do a little reading. Start with reading about The Policy of Joint Agreement on this site, and read "The State of Affairs" by Mulliken. TSOA spends most of the book describing how control issues contribute to affairs and other marriage problems,a nd how to overcome them.

First-

You need to figure out what YOU want from your life.

Do you want to be married an honor a promise that you made? or Was it a bad enough situation to turn away from?

If your husband is STILL willing to let you come home. Then I guarantee that he will be open to talking about the problems and will be willing to change behaviors. Are you?

I've made mistakes too. I'm fighting for custody of my DS right now. Think long and hard about what you can give to them by going home and woeking out the problems...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lucidity:
<strong>I have made alot of mistakes over the last few years. I was the WWS. .......

I am lost on this one.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lucidty,

Welcome to MB. It took a lot of courage for you to come here and we are glad you did. Now like we tell all posters here, I would like to invite you to acquaint yourself with the concepts section above and if you can read up on the books, his need/her need.

If you can take the emotional needs questionnaire, please try.

You mentioned above that you 'were the WS'. Does that mean you have no more contact with OM? How long has the NC been enforced?

Your H is working on himself and now you get to work on you. Quite a road lies ahead of you 2 and each must prove themself individually. Your H may be a bit ahead since he has been here a while. Doesn't mean you shouldn't try also.

We are anxious to see you happy and healthy again as a person and in your M. Understand you have a beautiful family. You are certainly blessed. I know sometimes we parents don't feel soooo blessed but when we take a good look at our little ones, we truly are. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Remember your blessings and work to keep them.
Please pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Keep the OM so far removed you don't have to worry about catching his cooties!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

take care, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
L.

Hi Lucidity,

You sound like you are hurting and confused.

Have you tried Individual Counseling. Even if you are on a tight budget, most counties, and even churches have affordable or free help.

I would suggest you get into some Ind. Counseling to help you talk this out and outline your choices.

I have been in christian counseling for 6+ months now with my husband who I am seperated from.. in the beginning of the counseling we were both very angry people at one another, but slowly, week by week... we have been able to at least become better friends. Memories of the past good between us still bonds us, as I suspect you and your H are bonded.

I would give saving your marriage everything that you have. I would value it as a worthwhile endeavor, worth all the hard work it takes.

It is difficult to rebuild hurt and broken and injured ties to a loved one. At one time you must of loved your H deeply. Remember that time.

You hold the key to your future. You can have any reality you choose. You have to be willing to work for what you desire. You may not even desire reconciliation right now, but giving it a chance might hold the key.

Have you read about repairing a M , after an Affair? Have you read this sight? Maybe the Harleys books... like... Surviving An Affair, or His Needs , Her Needs.

Learn for your own well being, about what it takes to make a marriage work... Try everything you can before you give up, it is worth it to put a family back together.

I offer you hope. Everything is possible in this world.

I do not know if you are believer in a higher power, but I do call mine God. I believe with prayer, and God, miracles can come true. Believe in the impossible, and in happiness in your family- harmoney with your H, and with your beautiful kids.

I hope you will see the wonderful opportunity you have to save your M.

If you do work on your M, do it with your whole heart. Change into a better wife, your h sounds receptive to working with you... so you both can be happy. Let your H meet your needs.

Take care of you and your own needs, this will help you give to those that need you.

Please stay around and work on you and your future.

Hugs, Honey

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 10:09 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>